I’m not looking for paradise, this can only exist within your own mind, a perception of what one thinks is beautiful or perfect, it can only exist in your mind, this also goes for hell, a perception of what you think is negative, the world is as it is, neither heaven or hell, but already both, to be, the same as any other sense, its just a perception what the mind has created to relate and interact and protect itself, sound is nothing but vibrations through the air, sight is nothing but reflected light waves through the air, taste and smell are nothing but chemicals rolling over the tongue or through the nostrils, the tongue doesn’t know what tastes nice, your nose doesn’t know what smells nice, the ears don’t know what sounds nice, your eyes don’t know what looks nice, your tongue, nose, ears and eyes don’t know what you like, it all exists in your mind, touch is nothing but pressure, and all pain is one of these senses being overloaded, that’s all it doesn’t know that it hurts, your skin doesn’t know what’s harmful, these are just perceptions in the minds that decipher beneficial, and non-beneficial, a choice, the same as desire, and aversion, both occur through craving, one to have more of and one to lessen, as we feed one, and starve the other, the craving only strengthens, if I can win here, I have won, no matter where I am in the world, but the mind is a bloody stubborn, weak, stupid, selfish, scared thing that doesn’t wish to let go of the pile of shit it has latched on to, there is better, and there is worse, depending on your state of mind, it’s a constant battle, day in day out, every person has the ability to be great, and beautiful, and each individual has the ability to perform grievous bodily harm, but somewhere between our ears there’s something that makes a choice to be one or the other, or somewhere in the middle, but its so easy to be just selfish weak, etc, but there is little satisfaction here which is why they often escalate, but to do one good deed, can benefit greatly and produce satisfaction for the mind and body I don’t understand why the mind still feed on the other, even though it can flip quicker than any measurement of time, always thinking he opposite of what you are doing, but metta bhawana can change this, it is the only method I have to work, to actually change the way I think, without having to think, which brings up so much joy because I can finally realise that there is a path to freedom, it bloody easy, but then there would be no point, it’s the hardest thing anyone can do which is why so few try and even fewer achieve, but I’ve found I no longer have a choice, without it I can no longer survive, there would be no more happiness because there would be nothing but emptiness but I now know there is something more for sure, I always had an indication, a feeling a sense of there being more than what I can see, but its so hard to prove to yourself, but our soul has to come from somewhere and its bot born, so it doesn’t die, just as all the chemicals in the world will never die, they just transform into what ever there karma has in store for them, I know I have done so many things wrong in the past, but by continuing on this path, and only this path, can I diminish there effects, and increase the positive
“Where Is The Love?” Blackeyed Peas
What's wrong with the world, mamaPeople livin' like they ain't got no mamasI think the whole world addicted to the dramaOnly attracted to things that'll bring you traumaOverseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorismBut we still got terrorists here livin'In the USA, the big CIAThe Bloods and The Crips and the KKKBut if you only have love for your own raceThen you only leave space to discriminateAnd to discriminate only generates hateAnd when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeahMadness is what you demonstrateAnd that's exactly how anger works and operatesMan, you gotta have love just to set it straightTake control of your mind and meditateLet your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'allPeople killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveIt just ain't the same, always unchangedNew days are strange, is the world insaneIf love and peace is so strongWhy are there pieces of love that don't belongNations droppin' bombsChemical gasses fillin' lungs of little onesWith ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die youngSo ask yourself is the lovin' really goneSo I could ask myself really what is goin' wrongIn this world that we livin' in people keep on givin inMakin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividendsNot respectin' each other, deny thy brotherA war is goin' on but the reason's undercoverThe truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rugIf you never know truth then you never know loveWhere's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveI feel the weight of the world on my shoulderAs I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colderMost of us only care about money makin'Selfishness got us followin' our wrong directionWrong information always shown by the mediaNegative images is the main criteriaInfecting the young minds faster than bacteriaKids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo', whatever happened to the values of humanityWhatever happened to the fairness in equalityInstead of spreading love were spreading animosityLack of understanding, leading lives away from unityThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' underThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' downThere's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' underGotta keep my faith alive till love is foundNow ask yourselfWhere is the love? Where is the love?Where is the love? Where is the love?People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Friday, August 06, 2004
6 August 2004 8:17 PM
a moment before work once again, and rather tired with little sleep, and a little stuff to do, but this is the calm before the storm, and one should always be one with time, and take heed of the current moment, and just be, though not easy, but very beneficial, it seems that everything is bipolar, and of course cant exist otherwise, but if we were able to melt the east and west, north and south, then there would be one under heaven, a perfect ying yang, which would propel the this race a thousand times faster into the future, and would even allow the feeble use of our minds to become a lot more efficient and all encompassing, I’ve also realised two of the worst ever moments in an individuals life, one involves the first realization of one mortality, and the other involves the idea that one is not loved, the most amazing moment in ones life is the realization that one is loved, and to truly believe it, which isn’t just about the environment one is in, but wether one believes it is up to the individual, and one can only see the truth with thine third eye, in which meditation is the only way to uncover, and to also control and train the mind, so that we are not at its manipulation, as many people act first without analysis, the best one individual can do is to realize when and why an emotion has arisen, and catch it before we act so hastily, and the best way to minimize hatred, and racism, is get people of different cultures to mingle as much as possible, there they then see they are no different, and are after the same thing as they are, I also find my self enjoying more and more of everything, my tolerance is higher, my appreciation is higher, my mind is more open, this may be due to meditation, but unfortunately most of the aging population are travelling in the opposite direction, and are enjoying less and less, and still stick to the same music or movies that they grew up with which is such a real shame because there is so much art out there they miss, and who is anyone to judge, especially art, which is so subject, and meant to produce a reaction, the problem is most people don’t question it and just shut it out, how hard is it to ask one self why don’t I like, and the same works for the opposite, what is it about the art that I do like, why do I like it, I think, well for me art is about an expression of an emotion or emotions which an individual is trying to express the best, and often the only way they can, so how can people judge what they are feeling, and how the feel to express it, unless your just judging the art on practical, and technical areas but who does that any way, most people wouldn’t even know how to write a song, or paint a picture, which damn bloody hard, which is maybe also why i’m more appreciative of art in general because I am an artist and know how hard it is to find what it is exactly your trying to express, all forms have its place upon society, and certainly need to classified to protect those of an innocent age, but art needs to be pushing the boundaries, it there is also a need for the elite artists such tenors which are just gifted, is it really a talent when your born with it, isn’t a talent something you work at and perfect, if your born with it, its just to easy, I dunno maybe that’s just me, but how can you claim it, particularly when it comes to singers, its not as thou they had to do anything to gain such a voice, not like painters, musicians, or sculptors, to write a symphony like Beethoven, to create I think is the ultimate talent, that’s what it is in a nutshell I guess, such as painters who take a blank canvas, or sculptors who take a lump of rock, and turn it into art, these along with those who save lives and decreases the suffering of others should be heralded as the elite of society and should be famous, not actors what do they do for anyone, make a movie with money, I can do it in my backyard, but I could never save a dying being, I hope thou one day that thru other means that I can alleviate some suffering, of the mind, which I think is just as important, for I’ve had my battle in my time, and the worst of them where in my own damn head, there is nothing anyone has done in this world to harm as much as I have harmed myself, and what’s worse is the effect it has upon the people in my environment, I once thought I could get around without affecting anyone, and just glide over this world like a butterfly and no one would notice, but for better or worse, no one can, we are all in this together, and should support each other together, its so simple in theory, but if people didn’t have an ego, and weren’t so judgemental, it would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier to get along, if people just said what they felt, with no attachments, and people where able to take without judgment, if someone’s not smart then they can read more, or if I can do maths like my dad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it a bloody fact people don’t so egotistical and think that there putting you down, its not the end of the world if you a little overweight, not as smart as someone else, it just is, people are so hung up on being judge, who cares your not better or worse and where not the same, it would like a big tree putting shit on smaller tree, who the hell cares, just love one another, if every one had compassion and love for all beings, we would need bombs and guns, or police or even governments in there current form, just organisers, or leaders, and how can a country of 20million be run by just one, this is not logical, it would be good if we all had the same laws, and currency, there is so much segregation based upon whose on a piece of paper and what number it has on it, and what piece of dirt you were born, and what piece of dirt your enemy is born, your made from the same piece of clay as they say, if there was one all omnipresent being who created all these beings, do you really think that he would really want anything to die, or be killed, no way, for to create such life involves love and compassion, not a bloody jihad, or anything, even thou many wars and millions of people have died for their religion, not there god as they would want you to believe, a being that created the whole universe would love all under heaven as equal, irrelevant of the pigment of your skin, what a hoax.
There’s a beauty that resonates thru everything that is beyond the power of the pen, this is beauty, the same as truth, anything in its purest form cannot be expressed in any language, whether great feats of human endurance, or acts of terror,
“I don’t fear none of my enemies, and I don’t fear bullets from uzies, I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these, that make you fall to your knees, and that’s my anxiety’s, sane and the insane rivalry, paranoia has bout me to my knees, lord please please please take away my anxiety”
Black Eyed Peas
Made of dust and grim,
The red rust won’t cost you a dime,
Fall upon the ground from the sky,
With a son would you still lie?
What would you do if you knew the truth?
How could you take what you do?
You’re so concerned with yourself,
These blows only affect our wealth,
If you only could love a little more,
Through the light through the door,
Red is all you see,
Hate is all you will be,
To be free is the only way to live,
A tree can only grow from what you give,
So how do you expect to be right?
When you only have revenge in sight.
It can make you do some strange things,
Good and bad no one knows what it brings,
Nothing better than just lying by one side,
Naked in the mind nothing to hide,
There is nothing but to be,
If not blinded its easy to see,
What’s there what’s real?
Many get lost and unsure how they feel,
Afraid to be honest afraid to say,
Calm is best, calm wont betray,
It will never be until it’s lost,
Down upon a drain in the frost,
Arriving from the cold cold night,
And all you want to do is hold hold all night,
The answer is there shining in our face,
But too afraid to let go and feel the empty space,
Must melt away the ego and feel the truth
Hard in age remember your youth,
There’s a beauty that resonates thru everything that is beyond the power of the pen, this is beauty, the same as truth, anything in its purest form cannot be expressed in any language, whether great feats of human endurance, or acts of terror,
“I don’t fear none of my enemies, and I don’t fear bullets from uzies, I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these, that make you fall to your knees, and that’s my anxiety’s, sane and the insane rivalry, paranoia has bout me to my knees, lord please please please take away my anxiety”
Black Eyed Peas
Made of dust and grim,
The red rust won’t cost you a dime,
Fall upon the ground from the sky,
With a son would you still lie?
What would you do if you knew the truth?
How could you take what you do?
You’re so concerned with yourself,
These blows only affect our wealth,
If you only could love a little more,
Through the light through the door,
Red is all you see,
Hate is all you will be,
To be free is the only way to live,
A tree can only grow from what you give,
So how do you expect to be right?
When you only have revenge in sight.
It can make you do some strange things,
Good and bad no one knows what it brings,
Nothing better than just lying by one side,
Naked in the mind nothing to hide,
There is nothing but to be,
If not blinded its easy to see,
What’s there what’s real?
Many get lost and unsure how they feel,
Afraid to be honest afraid to say,
Calm is best, calm wont betray,
It will never be until it’s lost,
Down upon a drain in the frost,
Arriving from the cold cold night,
And all you want to do is hold hold all night,
The answer is there shining in our face,
But too afraid to let go and feel the empty space,
Must melt away the ego and feel the truth
Hard in age remember your youth,
Sunday, August 01, 2004
1 August 2004 9:46 AM
AM only three months to go and just thinking about it sends shivers through my body, so exciting, i’m ready to go now, but I want to wait a little more just to build it a bit, and I don’t even care about uni any more, all I really care about doing is being in a position to help those who need it, those who don’t have the money to afford what ever it is I can provide, wether it be in photography or psychology, i’m not interesting any more in gaining money, or my own house, or even a relationship, all those things have become secondary, as I know there all nice things of course, but they don’t bring lasting fulfilment or happiness, this has to come from within, with a certain contentment with where one is at the moment, and not looking beyond what one has, or may want next, anything can be updated, exchanged, or replaced, but it if it accomplished your basic needs what difference does it matter how big your TV is or how many rooms in your house
In the end, I will send,
All my love to all, like a soft snow fall,
So gentle and calm, to land upon your arm,
While at first you won’t even notice,
To blossom in you like a lotus,
The beauty which will take a second to feel,
But all you will want to do is give and never steal,
Like the sun fills every corner with heat,
You will drop to your seat,
And remember the sweet,
Nothing could delete,
The feeling from within,
As your mouth will grin,
Without any effort at all,
Able to fill a large hall,
Or even more, forget the race bore,
We all need to take a little more within,
Just to sit and do nothing is not a sin,
Listen to your heart,
Your mind isn’t smart,
Love will conquer all hate,
It’s not worth the state,
Your children will take,
Have a look at what is really at stake,
Don’t be blinded by what you main gain today,
Let your children have a say,
We only have one world to love,
We can fit nicely within one glove,
What will come, and what is real,
Need not worry just notice how you feel,
Allow your understanding to grow,
another day gone in 2004, another 24 hours closer to 2005, I can feel still feel so low, and high sometimes that i’m about to cry in both instances, my fear seems to be delude a little, but maybe i’m just more deluded, a certain kind of brainwashing, upon myself, by myself very genius if you ask me, but I find evidence in each second I breath, in out, in out, very soothing to just watch the breath, and yet so basic, its amazing how simplicity seems to work, maybe just the old theory of chaos and order, but not the other way in this instance, for simplicity never needs complexity to solve, but more simplicity, who knows, but when it comes to cooking its always better to put less in of something then over doing it, you can always add a little latter, but you can never reverse the situation, I am becoming more peaceful, and a guy said in a shop the other day that I looked centred, what does this mean, how does one look, or appear centred, is this reflected in the face, or maybe the eyes, which I find the most fascinating, but have the most trouble looking at in person, but a photo I could look at all day, but its never the same, photos and painting don’t even come close to being there, the same goes for movies, you don’t have the smells or natural sounds of life, recorded sound is so fake, all sound is are waves of vibration, how can vibrations cause such discomfort in people not including ones of extreme volume thou of course, and people keep trying to give me stuff I don’t need, granted I took them in the past but now they seem so empty, and unfulfilling, the more you feed craving the stronger they get, and the more they take a hold of your weak and stupid mind, it would have been so much easier and painless if someone sat you down at about 5 or 6 and said this is how it is, maybe not as fulfilling, maybe because we need to know the why of everything, even when someone tells you not to do something you want to do it just to know why not to do it, may be if everyone was more concerned with what we can do and not with what we cant do then it wouldn’t be an issue, I think some things work backwards round this planet, or maybe i’m backwards, my ideas often conflict with this society, which has an unbelievable amount of misplaced power, it also helps you to find the boundaries quicker when you do wrong
In the end, I will send,
All my love to all, like a soft snow fall,
So gentle and calm, to land upon your arm,
While at first you won’t even notice,
To blossom in you like a lotus,
The beauty which will take a second to feel,
But all you will want to do is give and never steal,
Like the sun fills every corner with heat,
You will drop to your seat,
And remember the sweet,
Nothing could delete,
The feeling from within,
As your mouth will grin,
Without any effort at all,
Able to fill a large hall,
Or even more, forget the race bore,
We all need to take a little more within,
Just to sit and do nothing is not a sin,
Listen to your heart,
Your mind isn’t smart,
Love will conquer all hate,
It’s not worth the state,
Your children will take,
Have a look at what is really at stake,
Don’t be blinded by what you main gain today,
Let your children have a say,
We only have one world to love,
We can fit nicely within one glove,
What will come, and what is real,
Need not worry just notice how you feel,
Allow your understanding to grow,
another day gone in 2004, another 24 hours closer to 2005, I can feel still feel so low, and high sometimes that i’m about to cry in both instances, my fear seems to be delude a little, but maybe i’m just more deluded, a certain kind of brainwashing, upon myself, by myself very genius if you ask me, but I find evidence in each second I breath, in out, in out, very soothing to just watch the breath, and yet so basic, its amazing how simplicity seems to work, maybe just the old theory of chaos and order, but not the other way in this instance, for simplicity never needs complexity to solve, but more simplicity, who knows, but when it comes to cooking its always better to put less in of something then over doing it, you can always add a little latter, but you can never reverse the situation, I am becoming more peaceful, and a guy said in a shop the other day that I looked centred, what does this mean, how does one look, or appear centred, is this reflected in the face, or maybe the eyes, which I find the most fascinating, but have the most trouble looking at in person, but a photo I could look at all day, but its never the same, photos and painting don’t even come close to being there, the same goes for movies, you don’t have the smells or natural sounds of life, recorded sound is so fake, all sound is are waves of vibration, how can vibrations cause such discomfort in people not including ones of extreme volume thou of course, and people keep trying to give me stuff I don’t need, granted I took them in the past but now they seem so empty, and unfulfilling, the more you feed craving the stronger they get, and the more they take a hold of your weak and stupid mind, it would have been so much easier and painless if someone sat you down at about 5 or 6 and said this is how it is, maybe not as fulfilling, maybe because we need to know the why of everything, even when someone tells you not to do something you want to do it just to know why not to do it, may be if everyone was more concerned with what we can do and not with what we cant do then it wouldn’t be an issue, I think some things work backwards round this planet, or maybe i’m backwards, my ideas often conflict with this society, which has an unbelievable amount of misplaced power, it also helps you to find the boundaries quicker when you do wrong
Saturday, July 31, 2004
31 July 2004 9:44 AM
its so easy to find a solution for all of the worlds problems, and comes down to love and compassion, every single person of sound must be able to see the simplicity of this solution, if everyone thought of how there action would effect others first then there would be no need for police or guns, if every one wasn’t so egotistical, and just fucken stupid, fighting over what land, money, or just plain bloody pride, we should all be focusing upon making the world a better place, and begin to think about, if I where to die tomorrow, what is the mos important thing, or things to me, and what would I do, I can definitely tell you it would have nothing to do with harming a single person, because all that counts is a sound mind which arises from knowing your family and friends will be alright, I hope one day that this will become common knowledge, because if people realised that you cant own land, and you cant take money with you when you die, so why bother, people should focus upon what they do take which is there mind, and destroy money, which only has value, for as along as people value it, otherwise its just a piece of paper or plastic, which comes from the ground, just the same as my body and the stars in the sky, which has been on a course for thousands of years, all we have to do is love one another, and forgive, because there is only prolonged suffering by hanging to what people have done, just turn the other cheek, the answer is already here, it so obvious but people seem more involved with themselves, and new cloths and a TV or stereo, what for, I have noticed that over the last few weeks, as soon as people see something on TV or in a magazine they think straight away “I want that”, then they get it and then see a new one and what that, people for heavens sake wake up and see what’s so going, if this is a regular pattern, then you must see its not fulfilling what ever that hole is in you, let go of what is new, and be content with what you have, I’ve also been trying to talk people out of this behaviour ever so slightly, it could even been seen as manipulation, but its for there own good, it has also made me see how easily it is to talk people out of, and into something, as there lead along by a leash, but I will continue to try and people see the truth of this, and its not bound by religion but just sheer logic, if something is not making you happy then the next model isn’t going to accomplish this either. Maybe it comes down to honesty, and silence, the older I get the more I appreciate silence, not to say that I still don’t enjoy noise either, but my appreciation has grown, and i’m more able to see the beauty in silence and nature, i’m no different to this computer or tree outside my window, “Where is the love, where is the truth”, maybe people don’t want to see the truth, or maybe its just true for me, maybe this is just for me or a small few, but please people cant you see that the more you give the more happiness you create, and the less suffering there is in the world, and isn’t this what we should be doing, trying to ease the pain of those in pain, as Buddha said, when one has been hungry, in pain, or poor, how can one just walk past without a thought of compassion, and an offer to relieve even for a small time the suffering, we shouldn’t be fighting or hating, its only bringing down our “civilisation”, assuming that we are civilised, rats treat there own better than what we do, we are all after the one thing, which is happiness, from the smallest to the largest being, from the most visible to invisible, why do people discriminate, just cause your born upon some piece of land, doesn’t mean you belong to just that piece, how foolish can some ideals be, if there was one colour and language, would that make it better us, maybe this would unite us, and may even be one day, as some races genes are more
dominant than others, which will mean as the more and more globalisation takes hold and we blend more and more we will become one, this may help but then our medicine will have to greatly improve, as one race can easily be wiped out by a simple cell, we’ve only got one world, so please people look after it, we are borrowing this from our children’s children, if people took more responsibility, and a little extra thought about the suffering it may cause, it could change the world, and one person cant change the whole world, but they can make a hell of a difference and an impact upon our feeble minds, which could do so much good, if we didn’t focus so much upon greed, hate, revenge, and just harming ourselves
dominant than others, which will mean as the more and more globalisation takes hold and we blend more and more we will become one, this may help but then our medicine will have to greatly improve, as one race can easily be wiped out by a simple cell, we’ve only got one world, so please people look after it, we are borrowing this from our children’s children, if people took more responsibility, and a little extra thought about the suffering it may cause, it could change the world, and one person cant change the whole world, but they can make a hell of a difference and an impact upon our feeble minds, which could do so much good, if we didn’t focus so much upon greed, hate, revenge, and just harming ourselves
Thursday, July 29, 2004
29 July 2004 7:27 AM
it can become quite daunting when you begin to question everything that is around you and yourself as well. Especially when one does not know what is really real, and what is the difference between perception and fact
Saturday, July 24, 2004
24 July 2004 5:18 AM
What’s the point of fighting for land you can’t own,
What’s the point of fighting for gold you can’t keep,
Why do you continue to hurt those at home?
Why can’t you see the pain and tears that they weep?
For what, for what……………………….what’s it all for
we are all just beings after the same thing, why do you think that if you control that bit of land that it will bring you lasting happiness, or you will be happy with more happy, it means more to love and forgive than to kill and harm, if everybody loved and gave all they had there would be no need for greed or stealing or deception for everything one wanted was available, and do you think dying for it means that you win, there is nothing to win or loose, no one owns anything in this world its just on loan, it can all be taken from you in a second, all that matters is love and karma, these are what carry with you always, so don’t be a slave to your weak mind which just deludes and confuses you into likening and distracting you from the truth and false happiness
What’s the point of fighting for gold you can’t keep,
Why do you continue to hurt those at home?
Why can’t you see the pain and tears that they weep?
For what, for what……………………….what’s it all for
we are all just beings after the same thing, why do you think that if you control that bit of land that it will bring you lasting happiness, or you will be happy with more happy, it means more to love and forgive than to kill and harm, if everybody loved and gave all they had there would be no need for greed or stealing or deception for everything one wanted was available, and do you think dying for it means that you win, there is nothing to win or loose, no one owns anything in this world its just on loan, it can all be taken from you in a second, all that matters is love and karma, these are what carry with you always, so don’t be a slave to your weak mind which just deludes and confuses you into likening and distracting you from the truth and false happiness
Thursday, July 08, 2004
8 July 2004 6:25 AM
The world in my hand,
A heart of sand,
The sea in my veins,
A tear in the rain,
The space in my lungs,
A heart of sand,
The sea in my veins,
A tear in the rain,
The space in my lungs,
Sunday, June 27, 2004
27 June 2004 4:43 PM
it is so wonderful to be able to just sit and ponder, with wise reflection the veil of all reality slowly, very very slowly becomes clear, the ability to see everything the way it is, is truly amazing, there is nothing in this world in which I need, nothing nada, nil, zero, its only my body which craves such defilements, such illnesses apart from food, cloths and shelter, I realise now that my nose not knows what is pleasant or not, my ear knows not what is pleasant or not, my tongue knows what is pleasant or not, my mind is the one who has bought me to this hell, the one who desires and longs to pull me down with it, but I say no, not now, and not ever will I let myself become a slave to my mind, I enjoy the battles with my mind, like the day verses the night, cold verses hot, all is starting to unravel, there is nothing one can take into the next life but desire and karma, so why not focus upon these while one is alive, what a waste to spend ones life doing activities which not only reverse this idea, but also mask, and produce denial, and fear of the real universe, not just this planet of causes and conditions but of the whole universe made up of causes and conditions. Such an amazing feeling to live so simply, such freedom, to not have to work or study, everything one needs, one already has, within oneself is the universe, so many things has man made to distract himself from what the truth is, but then when one nears death he is shocked to see the world as it is,
Sunday, June 20, 2004
20 June 2004 10:20 AM
I now can only find peace and happiness in the dhamma which embraces my ears, and eyes, no longer do I see the point in working for my whole life, and for what, and to obtain so little, what is the point I still ask, thou an answer I feel is coming, but will it suffice and quench my fears I doubt it, but there is only one result which can save me now…………………… and only then will I truly be happy and peaceful.
I give myself to you my beloved,
My body to the ground,
My soul to you,
My blood and skin, from the ground within,
My heart and mind, with this ring binds,
My soul and energy, too love and my beloved.
Grateful to see your face,
Within the land,
Inside each sentient being,
I have searched the top,
And bottom of this world,
East and west, when you were always inside,
You are my saviour,
I looked the entire world,
Except within myself,
Now I’ve finally found you,
I give myself to you,
My love and energy to you,
I am the energy,
You the light,
Blocked the clouds bright,
Ignorance makes up all barriers
For eons and eons darkness had ruled,
Until your face I saw,
Didn’t realise how I was fooled,
Surrounded by light in awe.
I see more and myself,
To attain is my only desire,
What has always burned within the fire,
My purpose I may never know,
But my heart feels the truth,
Blinded in my youth,
As each second goes,
My chances slip by,
But my time is nigh,
Can’t help but think why,
How and when,
Will my pain and suffering end?
I will meet the one,
When the time is right,
The final period in sight,
What’s funny, what’s harmful, what’s fearful, what’s annoying, what’s pleasant, what’s not, what tastes good, what tastes bad, how do these arise inside the mind, what determines the food I like, or the entertainment I wish to partake in, what’s the difference, the mind is weak and needs constant awareness and concentration, every second allows it to wander to where it shouldn’t, and causes more subfreezing, everything needs to be done in moderation, not to low or not to high, once you indulge you become weak, and once you refrain for to long you become weak, this is not ideal, and includes anything, food, entertainment, lust, anger, fear,
I give myself to you my beloved,
My body to the ground,
My soul to you,
My blood and skin, from the ground within,
My heart and mind, with this ring binds,
My soul and energy, too love and my beloved.
Grateful to see your face,
Within the land,
Inside each sentient being,
I have searched the top,
And bottom of this world,
East and west, when you were always inside,
You are my saviour,
I looked the entire world,
Except within myself,
Now I’ve finally found you,
I give myself to you,
My love and energy to you,
I am the energy,
You the light,
Blocked the clouds bright,
Ignorance makes up all barriers
For eons and eons darkness had ruled,
Until your face I saw,
Didn’t realise how I was fooled,
Surrounded by light in awe.
I see more and myself,
To attain is my only desire,
What has always burned within the fire,
My purpose I may never know,
But my heart feels the truth,
Blinded in my youth,
As each second goes,
My chances slip by,
But my time is nigh,
Can’t help but think why,
How and when,
Will my pain and suffering end?
I will meet the one,
When the time is right,
The final period in sight,
What’s funny, what’s harmful, what’s fearful, what’s annoying, what’s pleasant, what’s not, what tastes good, what tastes bad, how do these arise inside the mind, what determines the food I like, or the entertainment I wish to partake in, what’s the difference, the mind is weak and needs constant awareness and concentration, every second allows it to wander to where it shouldn’t, and causes more subfreezing, everything needs to be done in moderation, not to low or not to high, once you indulge you become weak, and once you refrain for to long you become weak, this is not ideal, and includes anything, food, entertainment, lust, anger, fear,
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
15 June 2004 11:02 AM
just as I sit here in bed, in Mt Waverley, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, the earth, I cant but help think what its all about, what really does it matter, what difference does it make what it is I do, I sit here and look at my fingers, are they mine, do I really own them, I can move them, and they can cause me great pain, and yet they are constantly changing, and aging, what difference does it make what I do, what is the point of all this, what happens tomorrow, who knows, but what I know is now and now is all I have and the only time i’m actually alive is now, not yesterday, or tomorrow, i’m not alive tomorrow, or though I may be living tomorrow, and yesterday which has been, I lived, i’m not alive yesterday, people seem so hell bent on criticising everyone else, its so easy to criticise, why don’t YOU FUCKEN DO SOMETHING TO HELP, what difference does it make, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get greedy, I get hungry, I get full, I get afraid, I get disgusted, and yet I don’t know who or what I am, I have so many labels, and am so confused, I still don’t understand what, why I am here, why is all of this here what difference does it make, sometimes I just feel what’s the point, what’s the bloody difference………………
Sunday, June 13, 2004
13 June 2004 10:45 AM
I think I finally know why people do become associated with and some even join the monastics way of life, as they begin to realise the dhamma, you realise the negative in the world, and how people are struggling to keep there head above the water, I myself have even been a part of this in the past but now just tend to keep my mouth shut, but people are so judgemental of people, and are constantly putting others down, whether they know them or not, but they still feel the need to tell everyone what they think of that person, who really cares how smart, beautiful, or talented, shouldn’t it just consist of whether that person is a good person or not, shouldn’t honesty, compassion and love be a guide for people, not such shallow emptiness, and to get away from such behaviour would also be a relief, its also daunting thinking about what one will do with the rest of ones life, and I know I couldn’t do the one job for the rest of my life, which could also conflict with the monastery, but in hindsight, there would be happiness and far far far less grief being in a temple
Monday, June 07, 2004
7 June 2004 5:06 AM
when one begins the path of the eightfold path, and attempts to change his or her life around to a spiritual one, there are many emotions attached to this experience, as I guess many human experiences endure, but they are felt so deeply its as though you become that emotion in every cell of your being, you think, feel and act solely on its energy, the problem is it can be both positive and negative, especially when one doesn’t yet have the practice or wisdom to delve deeper into, and beyond, this is not just a Buddhist situation either, but plain and simple a religious one, and is really only significant for those on a spiritual path, as many people are either born into a religion and unfortunately they never really investigate there own religion or anything spiritual at all, or they care not for what is right in front of them and choose to ignore what they either cant see or fear, and end up filling there lives with so much crap that in the end they really do have no time for spiritual growth which is a real shame, because this is what makes you grow as a human being, and gives you the ability for compassion, empathy and a connection between your fellow man which is already there and has been for ever and will always be there, this body we have comes from the ground and will eventually return, and be born again, it is not permanent and what is impermanent is empty, for it is not permanent, and permanent is not form, only that which is permanent, is impermanence. I must admit though there was time when I was younger that I was not in favour of any spirituality or form of organised religion, as they all seemed so hypocritical, until of course when I actually made an effort to investigate upon my own, and shake the veil of ignorance, instead of running and being afraid, I just stopped and sat quite for a while until I could look upon my own mind and see it for what it is, though with guidance of course I did this, and with a little help from the school counsellor, who allowed me to get so much shit off my chest, in which I had never let out before, and when I realised that what ever your trouble or fear is, its never as bad as you would think when you face it, especially with the aid of spiritual practice and wisdom, we all have weakness some of course are easier to deal with than others, though nothing is new, what ever your problem, its arisen and been dealt with before, by a lot more people than you would think, and were expected to fall off every now and then, unless you have joined the monastic life, then there will be consequences for your actions, but there is less distraction, and just plain rubbish, so there is less temptation, but needs such strength and ability to be able to spend such large amounts of time with him/herself, without the distractions, its not so bad doing a couple of days here and there, when you know it will be over again, but I must attempt it again, and feel that this is the only way I will find meaning within my own life, along with fasting as well which is also an amazing experience, almost as though your teasing the beast from within to venture out and show itself, this is when your strength and its weakness are at its most prominent and visible, its rather exciting, when one knows what to expect, ………………………………. Maybe this is where fear comes from, this is very interesting, fear obviously comes from a lack of knowledge, uncertainty, and inexperience, so why do we constantly stay within this state when the answers, experience, wisdom, knowledge are out here, spirituality is now my key to happiness, guidance, experience, knowledge, wisdom, and help………………………………..
Sunday, June 06, 2004
6 June 2004 10:38 AM
interesting to read back upon my time on meditation, very interesting, I wish to go back, and go upon another, so rewarding and peaceful on your own, but very handy with a monk around to guide and teach one who is at the bottom, and you soon realize that there is nothing bad in the world, especially when one knows of karma, and that there are no bad days, just bad actions, and that there is no destiny which one can choose or change or your destiny is your destiny, all that changes is what one believes there destiny to be, which is of course guided by your karma, so indirectly one can influence ones fate so to speak, but i’m looking forward to my time at the end of exams to get away for a while down to the beach on my own, and do a juice fast for a couple of days which will also be a learning experience
Saturday, June 05, 2004
5 June 2004 10:37 AM
a decree I must give here, no longer will I ever do anything to cause harm to any living being, seen or not, big or small, strong or weak, far or near, for I fear more than any punishment in which one could give in this world, there is nothing that I would dare say to purposely harm one or another, but from honesty and what small amount of wisdom, and compassion that I have will all that I say be grown, even though many people find it hard to take any amount of criticism, no matter how helpful it could be, everything should be taken from the centre of ones mind, and not be self centred, otherwise nothing from anyone will be taken aboard, but I would be thankful if someone where to reveal my faults to me so that I could go back and work upon them, to improve and be able to help others, isn’t this logical, and practical, why be afraid of imperfection, when perfection doesn’t exist, but already perfect, one can not be perfect, as one already is, as one attempts to become perfect they in effect become imperfect, in all the magazines today people are awarded for there beauty and basically the death of the body, all your skin, hair and nails, are already dead and are being discarded as they become redundant, and yet this is what we see as beautiful, yuk, yuk, what hypocrisy, really when you think about it, it is quite disgusting, and people spend so much on plastic surgery that in the end not only makes them not look beautiful, but fake, not real, bogus, phony, a sham, counterfeit, in effect lying to yourself and all those around you, that doesn’t make sense when you know what I know, thou I do understand, but I guess why the hell should I care anyway, they can do what ever they want. But I would like if they were able to see what it is I’ve been shown, and found, to be the truth……………… hopefully they will see one day, and we can all live in harmony…………………………
Thursday, June 03, 2004
3 June 2004 9:21 AM
it’s interesting to note, how can one be lost when one knows not of own origin, or destination. This doesn’t make sense does it, its also interesting to note, when one finally realizes the truth how simple it is, but also how weak, and wrong one has been, i’m also beginning to understand more the rules or guidelines in which Buddha laid down so long ago, because you then do nothing wrong, even if you don’t do what was said, but just do what he said not to do, saves so much heartache
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
2 June 2004 12:00 PM
just realized another great insight into the Buddha himself, and Buddhism, I have finally realized why its not a religion, such as those that exist now, nowhere does the Buddha saw follow me, or that he was right, though with wisdom, and practice one begins to realize how right the great Buddha was, and will always be, never interested in ceremonies, traditions, or religious festivals, but only in the way the world and life is, the truth doesn’t need to be believed, it’s the truth, the truth is known, because it is and always will be the way of life, I now have gone beyond belief, but know the Buddha was, and will always be right, my investigation is finally over HOORAY……………………..
it has taken me not only my whole life to finally find the way back to the eight fold path, but with my investigation which began about six years ago has finally succeeded, and a great burden lifted from my mind and body, the Buddha did not teach a religion, but the truth as it is, and the method for enlightenment, which can be attained by any who follow no matter what religion, but one doesn’t also need to become a monk or a nun to attain, though this is obviously the easiest way to attain liberation, as all external factors are removed, and one has finally let go of all worldly desires and delusions, the truth doesn’t change, and is timeless, I now know Buddha and his teachings which have been named Buddhism but need not be labelled as such, as the Buddha himself was not interested in labels, but the truth which is like the sun shinning down, and all around, one doesn’t believe the sun is yellow, or that grass is green, but knows it to be, there is a big difference, but can only be found for me, by the road I have been upon, and the investigation in which I undertook, not knowing where it lead me, and still not knowing where I will end up, but my confidence is steadily growing, and when all weaknesses arise and fears, I know it is the mind and if I continue I will break its hold, and the wall of delusion, but I still have far far far more places to travel,………………………………
it has taken me not only my whole life to finally find the way back to the eight fold path, but with my investigation which began about six years ago has finally succeeded, and a great burden lifted from my mind and body, the Buddha did not teach a religion, but the truth as it is, and the method for enlightenment, which can be attained by any who follow no matter what religion, but one doesn’t also need to become a monk or a nun to attain, though this is obviously the easiest way to attain liberation, as all external factors are removed, and one has finally let go of all worldly desires and delusions, the truth doesn’t change, and is timeless, I now know Buddha and his teachings which have been named Buddhism but need not be labelled as such, as the Buddha himself was not interested in labels, but the truth which is like the sun shinning down, and all around, one doesn’t believe the sun is yellow, or that grass is green, but knows it to be, there is a big difference, but can only be found for me, by the road I have been upon, and the investigation in which I undertook, not knowing where it lead me, and still not knowing where I will end up, but my confidence is steadily growing, and when all weaknesses arise and fears, I know it is the mind and if I continue I will break its hold, and the wall of delusion, but I still have far far far more places to travel,………………………………
Sunday, May 30, 2004
30 May 2004 8:24 AM
here I am again, how are ya, not bad thanks, that’s good, I still have trouble understanding why people are so quick to anger, and hold onto it, and I’ve also had enough of pop culture, while i’m here I might as well tell it like it is, why do people get so sucked into the crap, is it because they don’t want to deal with the reality that it will all soon be over, so that they have to fill there lives with so much shit that they really don’t have time to, even thou that’s a choice somewhere along the line, I must admit it isn’t the easiest thing to do, everyone seems to say that they know this and that means jack, and yet they still go and choose to live their life the same way, how does that work, I keep thinking why are you working, why are trying to buy a house, why do you want a new car, why do you want that new phone, or sandwich maker, or new small knick knacks on the TV, or that new piece of clothing, its all such a load of rubbish, and then I wonder, everyone is so worried about what others are thinking about them, no one actually has time to think about what others are doing anyway, so its such a load of rubbish, and i’m getting so sick of it all, everything in western society is hypocritical, they say one thing and do another why, or is the mind that amazing, and good at deceiving, I know what ajahn bramavamso would say, and that’s just a straight out yes, though I still have that fear that can strike you down anywhere and cut through like a hot butter knife, which I may never be able to fully cover, but I will worry bout that later, for now I have to practice more, and finish uni and save my cash for my trip to Thai in about six months, I will be booking my holiday, or salvation homecoming in about a month or two, so I would like to pay off my credit card before I go also which would mean I have nothing keeping me here, or there and I can go anywhere, it would make it so much easier if I knew what my purpose was, cause then I could get busy doing that straight away and stop wasting my time if that’s what i’m doing now but who is to know such things ay, but one day I will know and hopefully its not to late, so that i’m able to fully perform to the best of my abilities, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if you never new like the animals, but maybe they do know when its going to happen and just accept it, but how do they do it, they have fear and anger also, and yet you never see an animal struck down by depression or such problems, or do they have a better understanding than what we do of the way things work, with life and such things in which we waste so much of our time doing when it means nothing in the end, why do people work there whole lives doing things they hate, just to spend there time drinking on the weekend, and then spending all there week doing shit they hate, please explain…………………….! Why why why, it don’t make no sense, maybe cause its because i’m young I don’t know, there is so much I don’t understand, so so so so much, and will not even learn one billionth of what there is to know in this universe, or maybe its not about the quantity but the quality of what I know, maybe this is why i’m am to be a monk to know what needs to be known, not just useless information that runs round the world, and that drugs are even a bandaid, there not even a light covering bandage, for a gaping wound, but just some king of time delay, it still does kinda freak me out that it will happen to me in the end, cause I’ve known nothing else, so its not alright but you can accept it so much easier when its someone else, but when you think about your own its quite daunting, and just the fear of it being the absolute darkness, and the end, but who knows till you give it a go yourself, that’s why sometimes I think I should wish for a real painful end so that i’m more willing to go on to the next transformation, but then I think about you should be careful of what you wish for cause it never seems to go right or be what you expect, and no doubt that living in constant debilitating pain would not be easy, but would be a good test for the mind to separate itself, and realize that when you are actually in pain, its never your mind that hurts or feels, but its only your body that actually suffers, is really an interesting point that has just come to my attention, especially since I had such an amazing meditation experience when I felt so ill that I thought I was going to be sick, because of the pain I felt in my ass from my meditation stool, that I just had to quit, normally I give up long before that, maybe i’m pushing my body more and more, maybe over the limit but it is a good experience, even though I know Buddha said it was unnecessary to push the body but I find some comfort in being able to have more control over the body even thou we really have very little control in the first place, I have so many questions, but they will be answered in good time, and hopefully I’m able to deal with the reality, and even able to recognise it when it arises but soon, very soon,…………………………………………
Saturday, May 29, 2004
29 May 2004 8:34 AM
AM yet closer to my departure to home, and I find myself coming closer to the final judgment, and I realise that happiness isn’t in the world I’m living in at the moment, without meditation, and the following the path set forth by the great noble awakened and enlightened one the great Buddha, who I would have loved to meet, thou I will wish to meet an enlightened being, or an arhant, which would be an amazing experience, and depression seems to becoming the biggest sickness in the world, well the western one any way, probably due its capitalist ideal, and money worshipping which wish to escape ASAP, but it can come from anything, or arrive anytime, anywhere, having suffered a couple of bouts, thou Buddha named it samvega, which was so bad that I felt I couldn’t go on, the first week was bad, and then the second week, was a hundreds times worse, unable to eat or sleep, with so much fear and anxiety I’ve felt only once or twice before when I was ten and 17, now 24, thou 23 when the last bout occurred, struck with such an overwhelming flood of emotions that sucked me down into an abyss that was complete darkness all around, and only could see the light again thanks to “big Russ”, and the venerable Bhante Thitinyana, who not only calmed me, but grabbed me from the falling branch and just held me there so I could gain my balance and stand up again, so that I could breathe and stop my self from screaming, a whole week, from were I couldn’t sleep, or eat, and with such an anxiety that I was nauseous and vomiting, and had such a huge blockage in my chest, as thou a watermelon was trying to burst out through my throat and couldn’t move on my own, and all I kept feeling was that I needed to cry and just release and relax a bit more and just calm down and stop hyperventilating so I could stop for a second and think a new thought, which had been a while, just the one word over and over again can get so boring, but so fearful and painful, and then meeting ajahn kalyano, and then ajahn bramavamso, they saved my life, and have made me consider my future in monastic life even more, its always been in the back of mind, even thou during high school it was more about being a brother thou, due to the influence of the school of course, thou once I left and was able to discover my own path, becoming a monk has always been a constant rock in every path I walk along, not big enough to be a wall and inhibit what ever I was doing at that moment but enough of a bump in the road to remind, and yet unlike most other things, I don’t fully grasp what it actually is that I feel, to even consider not only a monastic life but to have found such a religion which hardly anybody has even known, let alone read a book upon, I’ve always considered my self different and have never known why, maybe this has something to do with it, maybe I was a monk in a past life, or even just a follower, and that in this life I am to become one, but I can finally see what Buddha was trying to explain to the world, and also don’t understand why people who have read and discovered his teachings, that they also don’t follow, it just seems so obvious to me as soon as I read the first few pages of a book upon his life and teachings everything began to click and fall in place, maybe because I’ve heard it before, or maybe because it’s the truth in all its glory, with no polish, or décor to cover the “ugliness” which westerners are reluctant to talk about, but really in the end who is to say what will happen, but what ever happens was already in the works so to speak, maybe I have some other purpose but I will certainly be doing retreats each year for the rest of my life, my annual medicine, just like the flu shot, thou I have many mistakes in the past due to my ignorance and misunderstandings
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
26 May 2004
just another six months to go until I can go overseas, and for salvation, even thou its probably not an essential thing, or it maybe, depending on if I comeback, from my home to my new home, it almost feels like i’m igniting an old flame, while this I use to light my way to the old and continue upon my path which I was distracted from for so long, but I also almost wish for bad things to occur, because no matter what has happened I have gained great insight from, almost as thou they are all planned in advance for me to become the person I will end up becoming, and I can feel my faith and hope, and refuge is growing at a great pace, the more and more I meditate and listen to dhamma talks the more I feel its truth, its no longer about knowing but just feeling and being, and after going on a one day retreat and listening to a few talks at the bsv by ajahn brahmavamso, another disciple of ajahn chah, who must have been the most amazing monk, I wish I had had the chance to meet him, and listen to him in person, even thou he didn’t speak English, it would have been an awesome experience, but I hope to find another teacher who may already be in this country, but I still feel I must return home first and travel for a while before I try the life of a monastic, if i’m aloud, or accepted, depending upon how I will cope, but I will give it another go in a month for a few days on my own, and no food at the end of my exams, just as another test and experience to learn from hopefully I can find a nice place upon my own, which should be easy seeing as its winter and hardly anyone travels to the beach then, but it will be good to get away from everything again for a couple of days, maybe 4 or 5 days which will be really good, even thou it was the original idea which I had wanted to do earlier but a samvega incident arose so I had to deter my plans for a while but that will make this experience a lot better, but sometimes I feel my meditation has become stagnant as I always just attain the same level, and i’m unable to arise above it, but I try to not focus upon anything but the breath and just relax, sometimes I get frustrated when the constant chatter doesn’t leave, but I do find some moments of just peace and bliss which is why I continue but also because it helps with many other aspects also which is very helpful, I still cant wait till the end of the year thou, if I could find out my exam timetable that would be so helpful now cause I could plan stuff……………………………….......soon I will be home………………………………..
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.
Friday, May 14, 2004
14 May 2004
its almost half way in the year already and I find myself already trying to slow down time as much as possible even though I’m really looking forward to the end of the year to travel, and it has been a very interesting couple of months, having gone upon the ten day meditation retreat with ajahn kalyano, which was so amazing, and so inspiring to follow, and go to Thailand to live for a while I hope, which will be such a test and growth for me, and to just push through what ever issues arise, that I can face them head on, and that I can find peace within myself and help others, I will probably cut off as much as I can from here, and cancel what ever has to be done, and finally finish uni, though I cant also stop thinking about how my life will plan out, as I have finally got to a point where I can leave everything and go on my own for a while depending upon money, and getting a job, which would be so awesome to work and live in another country so different to my own, and with the same religion, faith or practice which ever you wish to label it, but i’m just trying to save and organise stuff and decide what I want to do, but I think I my future is clear, and that I cant but help think that i’m going back home to where I belong and with some people who live what I follow, which is a bit different, well in fact a hell of a lot different, but I know what has to be done, and when I get there I will decide what to do where to go, and live life the way it should be done, but I still have some work to do here before I can go and focus a lot more upon my meditation practice and make it a main priority I have so much to learn, and yet I really don’t have any goals but this
Saturday, April 17, 2004
17 April 2004
the tenth and last night and finally got to speak to people which was really interesting, everyone is along the same lines but seem to have done this before, also have the room to myself looking forward to home again but cant wait to travel to Thai everyone is saying go, so i’m looking forward to that and it will be so good.
“THE END”
“THE END”
Friday, April 16, 2004
16 April 2004
the ninth night very good meditation again, starting to get back to Mondays effort but very good ideas, focus upon pain and feelings as meditation object and everything will be fine for dreams just remember the five precepts which will be very good, but many ideas for cd’s, exhibition and Soygal Riponche again I will have to read, and read all of my books over and over every good day but looking forward to getting back home, but I have to practice more and realise the practice and dhamma with every action thought and breath
Thursday, April 15, 2004
15 April 2004
the eighth night, a very good day I got to speak to Ajahn Kalyano which was very calming and reassuring but I need to practice more and more tolerant and wiser
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
14 April 2004
the seventh night, it has been very good here to just be quite without the distractions of the world, and it can also be tough, and even scary sometimes but when one brings it all back to metta and meditation it makes it easier to deal with and able for one to get to the bottom of a problem and let go of heaps of rubbish, getting to know suffering, and what causes it, then let go of these causes, find the truth, know the experience
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
13 April 2004
the sixth night and its very good, the hardest part these days is I guess the boredom, and not having any distractions which is a lot harder than I thought it would be not talking to any friends family or TV, books or news, I have no idea what’s happened in the world but there have been more people arriving and there’s to be more over the next few days, which will be nice, didn’t finish my questions though not happy and meditation not as good as yesterday but hard to live up to I guess looking forwards to meditation tomorrow quite happy but still afraid
Monday, April 12, 2004
12 April 2004
the fifth night very good meditation, was very successful but a little sad to see so many go some very good breakthroughs, I think my fear of death has actually nothing to do with death at all but people
Sunday, April 11, 2004
11 April 2004
the fourth night and had a bad half of the day with tiredness and soreness but I’ve moved to using the chair which is just as good, but the tiredness is a lot more troublesome and its quite full on having the same routine each day same time and such, though today has been full of more smiles peace and happiness, thou I fear some bad may arise and i’m beginning to learn what my attachments are which is people maybe my fear of death is the loss of those, I love and care for, and even just human beings in general.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
10 April 2004
the third day feeling very good apart from my back and the cold that I came down with yesterday, coughing, sneezing and runny nose, having been sick for a year and what happens when I need the least but i’m starting to get a lot more relaxed though having weird dreams, where a couple of women here in which I fear the worst for one, who looks rather ill and may have cancer or something similar the weather has been quite good but its so dry here the grass seems to be the most damaged by this. I dreamt of a large snake which was chasing me, which looked quite scary and mean, and seemed to diminish in size greatly as it got nearer. The third night and feeling very good, but ,y sinus’s are blocked really bad, had a very good meditation late at night, with short moments of bliss and a bit astral which was good, i’m glad i’m doing the ten days and not just four that would be to easy, feel a few break throughs are on the way, I hope if they come but it has been a very good experience with little talk, no TV or beer, and no judging very positive and very peaceful very relaxing, hard I think to go back
Friday, April 09, 2004
9 April 2004
the second night and it’s a lot more tiring than you would think, waking up so early and then sitting for so long, I realise how restless I can be and that the biggest obstacle would be the boredom, doing the same thing each day over and over again, and not going out with friends and family though its good being around so many people and yet still able to have time on your own though unusual to be, no talking with so many people around, and only hearing the monks voice among over sixty people in one room.
“There is no trouble only which arises in your mind”
“Desire is a bottomless pit”
“There is no trouble only which arises in your mind”
“Desire is a bottomless pit”
Thursday, April 08, 2004
8 April 2004 #Special edition From Anglesea with the Venerable Ajahn Kalyano#
first night and i’m already sore, my back is aching from the drive but it wasn’t to bad having Julie along for the ride and someone to talk to who is on a similar wavelength. You can already feel the positive energy in the whole place where everyone is after the same thing, my head aches from the city shit, cars and money how you can love it, the fumes of greed and negative all the love and care are not relative
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
6 April 2004
how long will it take for our species to wake and see the truth, and evidence that rides upon the wave of our ignorance, and just plain old stupidity, and arrogance, sometimes I feel such love and frustration, as I see the pain and joy human beings are capable of, we are a collective conscience that is suffering like a diseased plant as each leave falls the next just follows without question or thought, all we need is love which cant be said enough, are people so blind that they don’t see the pain they cause from thinking only of the self, and that all you have to do is give, give and you will receive, there is a balance which has to be maintained, but one should not give to get, but give and politely return what one has to those who need it more, I wish for no being to suffer, especially by my own hands, as we are all connected, sometimes I feel such pain, when I see others suffering, and cant but help think that we are all in this together yet people still feel that they have to be first, or have the most and best, that doesn’t mean anything in the whole world, what good is it when we die and we had a fast car or big house, it doesn’t count what you took, but what you give, I feel I want to give my heart to every one I see so that they may understand that so much of this world is empty, all you have to realise is what the truth truly is, and not what you want it to be, you don’t even have to understand, just be aware of what is around, we live a life that is constantly about pushing death aside so that we ignore and forget about it so that we don’t have to deal with it, thou sometimes I find myself afraid and hesitant of letting go of it all, and just giving myself completely to it all, i’m more afraid of what is on the other side, and that it’s the end, just no more, I am also intrigued thou, but i’m in no hurry to find out, I have so much I want to do, and people to help, sometimes I wish I could fast forward and rewind.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
3 April 2004
another day gone, work, done and nothing left but to sleep, my fear of death has grown exponentially and I cant but help feel what’s the point, and that it will be all over soon, and why is it so hard for people to love, and why are they so quick to anger,
Monday, March 29, 2004
29 March 2004
I can no longer bare to be the cause of such suffering through my own weakness, and feel great pain for the lives I have taken in the path, and vow to uphold the five precepts that the Lord Buddha lay down to follow, and will abstain from killing all sentient beings, and all abstain from any action which will bring harm upon those who are also my equal, if only I had known that my actions would cause such suffering and pain, earlier, they would have ceased earlier, but I know I will answer for them one day, and will give whatever, and do what ever necessary to make amends, and heal the wounds I have caused. Through a lot of help from the Lord Buddha I know I will one day be one with him and all the previous Buddha’s who have been, and will be, but not without a lot of suffering and pain of my own which I will endure without question, as I know now I have to do.
My actions will no longer,
Be the cause of any harm or f ear
This I must swear in front of you my beloved, and ask for your forgiveness and help.
My actions will no longer,
Be the cause of any harm or f ear
This I must swear in front of you my beloved, and ask for your forgiveness and help.
Monday, February 16, 2004
16 February 2004
AM its amazing how easy and quick emotions can change from high to low, within a split second it can all be turned upon its head, and what’s worse is when they change without warning or even an understanding of why, and the causes that lead to this change
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
10 February 2004
art should not be about the pretty pictures and perfection, it does not exist, I want rough around the edges reality, why put forth a false reality this just clouds us further like a child jumping through puddles
10 February 2004
there is nothing more dangerous and evil than hate, nothing more beautiful and rich than love, there are many evils, but one good, man spends his whole life running from negativity, content with second best, or just keeping his head above water, as his laziness grows like a weed which is everywhere in the soil, like our body, capable at every chance to rise and cover everything with ignorance but with knowledge and love and constant perseverance any being can conquer but never kill, it is always there, love can conquer all but there are a million which eat away at it like water on the rock, only with practice every day will I succeed but at what?
A smart man is not one who knows all ideas of the past and present but practices and puts in motion new creations and ideas, anybody can read and commit realms of pages to memory, and recites for years the words, but this does mean he or she understands or can even practice the theories, we are our own worst enemies, this I now know, it is one who can put into action an idea and create which gives birth to knowledge.
Wisdom is not what your given, but what you give.
A smart man is not one who knows all ideas of the past and present but practices and puts in motion new creations and ideas, anybody can read and commit realms of pages to memory, and recites for years the words, but this does mean he or she understands or can even practice the theories, we are our own worst enemies, this I now know, it is one who can put into action an idea and create which gives birth to knowledge.
Wisdom is not what your given, but what you give.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
8 February 2004
“lust directed toward another person of either gender is not a sign of respect. Rather, attachment for another person actually dehumanises its object by regarding this individual simply as an object for ones own gratification.” Santideva
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
3 February 2004
my biggest fear without a doubt is death and nothing else, I listen to the silence of delirium and I am free, for a while, then dropped into a cart travelling at tornado speeds and falling great heights while my body goes through an array of emotions I can only hold for so long, until the music then takes them out of my control and boils them over the edge, as I tingle, cry, weep, laugh, cringe, and the sky stays the same as my body is never the same, a trip upon the clouds floating over hell and heaven, love and hate, its hard to believe that we have come so far yet how far can one travel, no matter how he or she knows, with one paddle, I am a fool, I am a fool, my soul seems to be aching but for what, or who, some one I know or have already met, or someone I may meet, or does it come down to someone I have to meet, or be met by, maybe i’m not ready, or she is not ready, I am actually looking forward to two tribes coming up in a month which will be so damn good, these threads I wear are no different to the skin I wear, or hair that drapes down my body, and the lungs that are constantly being brushed with the air of my world, which is older than this body, the water and dirt that makes up this world and me is so old, I know it has many things for me to learn, many many things, I wish to learn as much as possible, and to also help all those that need, and more importantly are ready for it, so many people fool themselves each second of the day, the leaves don’t fall if this is all one but change from one position to another much like the water through my body, each beat another fill to my heart, and body cant help but follow my heads lead, as the controls are set for know where like the bag in the breeze, or drop of rain from the sky, they each know there path but there destination more then likely never arises because there is no beginning, ……………………………….....................................
Sunday, February 01, 2004
1 February 2004
1 February 2004 9:32 AM I think true beauty is hidden from our limited sense’s, and ignorant minds, I sometimes wonder if we all do have a destiny, or something along those lines anyway, some sort of path, if so then there is meaning to each individual step and breath, because a path has a beginning and an end, and of course a middle, a direction with purpose, like water flowing down the hill, to the ocean, as grass is covered and dark clouds floating by on a sweet salty breeze off the field of green and blue liquid of life, as bodies live and learn, just as those upon the desert plains, and grass fields, of the earth, that have seen so much, and yet is a part of every part of us, as we are made up of the earth which has been rolling for years and years, my skin, hair, and organs, therefore are as old as this planet, our bodies which only last so long, really do live forever, everything that’s is made is empty, but so very full at the same time, and there is nothing impure till it becomes into such form, there is no atrocity with out man, but yet there is very little love and compassion also, love only exists because of man, just as time and money….are they all the same, if so then what difference does it make who we meet, then if we are all the same then why not fully find ourselves, I find myself completely ruled by my bodies very need at each moment it arises, so weak and lazy, undisciplined and immature………….
So many memories, or dreams I cant draw the line, but does it matter in the end, all I know is that along with these images are feelings, and stories which I feel blessed to have of my own, which cant be taken, and as years go by I can even add to them a few more, places visited and people met along the way, and sounds and tastes, I find myself so often on the verge of tears of late, at such simple moments of life full of love, and am over come with such emotion, only since the last year or so, is it because I am holding back some pain of my own which I have not dealt with yet, but I have searched and found nothing yet, or is something I have opened in my own head, for me to feel such basic human emotion which so many people fail to express at the moment, I just don’t know. What’s the deal, I just don’t know, would it still feel the same if you had an idea of what was to come or for what reason, the pain and suffering continue, I know life is suffering, because we are tied to these bags of cells, and biological machines, sometimes I just feel like crying, I would say its for no reason but its always when I tend to think of those who are in pain, whether physical, psychological, self inflicted, or imposed on by another, maybe its to balance my rather ecstatic moods in which I feel such elation for no reason, I am afraid, why is it that people cant see outside the box, that they cant see the forest for the trees, I am ruled by biological systems of laws and chemical reaction, which occur, and are in constant motion, no matter how still you choose to be, it can never be, life is suffering and to break it would an ecstasy of experiences unable to be expressed, I know there is something to be worked through but I don’t know what it is yet, but soon I feel all will be uncovered, I feel so lucky to just be alive, and able to experience all that I have even thou so limited at that point in time, but that will soon change, well in about nine months anyway, nine months away from my freedom and when my life begins, in practice and each moment will count, but the preceding moments have been necessary of course, as preparation, and prevention are the only cure, and music has such an ability to make you feel, and reach into your soul, and make you feel, or motivate oneself
“The day had been long, and I missed the bus again, all I wanted to do was to get home and see my family and relax, with a meal. but you don’t always get what you wish, I certainly didn’t dream of doing this job as I was growing up as a child running around a big house yelling screaming, playing and joking. Though as I look back upon missed opportunities and daring risks that could have landed me any where in the world. But ha, not I always had to take the safe way and just fall into a job that had some kind of stability, and a family with a house and a car. Though I can’t complain I guess seeing as there are so many people with so little” unknown
So many memories, or dreams I cant draw the line, but does it matter in the end, all I know is that along with these images are feelings, and stories which I feel blessed to have of my own, which cant be taken, and as years go by I can even add to them a few more, places visited and people met along the way, and sounds and tastes, I find myself so often on the verge of tears of late, at such simple moments of life full of love, and am over come with such emotion, only since the last year or so, is it because I am holding back some pain of my own which I have not dealt with yet, but I have searched and found nothing yet, or is something I have opened in my own head, for me to feel such basic human emotion which so many people fail to express at the moment, I just don’t know. What’s the deal, I just don’t know, would it still feel the same if you had an idea of what was to come or for what reason, the pain and suffering continue, I know life is suffering, because we are tied to these bags of cells, and biological machines, sometimes I just feel like crying, I would say its for no reason but its always when I tend to think of those who are in pain, whether physical, psychological, self inflicted, or imposed on by another, maybe its to balance my rather ecstatic moods in which I feel such elation for no reason, I am afraid, why is it that people cant see outside the box, that they cant see the forest for the trees, I am ruled by biological systems of laws and chemical reaction, which occur, and are in constant motion, no matter how still you choose to be, it can never be, life is suffering and to break it would an ecstasy of experiences unable to be expressed, I know there is something to be worked through but I don’t know what it is yet, but soon I feel all will be uncovered, I feel so lucky to just be alive, and able to experience all that I have even thou so limited at that point in time, but that will soon change, well in about nine months anyway, nine months away from my freedom and when my life begins, in practice and each moment will count, but the preceding moments have been necessary of course, as preparation, and prevention are the only cure, and music has such an ability to make you feel, and reach into your soul, and make you feel, or motivate oneself
“The day had been long, and I missed the bus again, all I wanted to do was to get home and see my family and relax, with a meal. but you don’t always get what you wish, I certainly didn’t dream of doing this job as I was growing up as a child running around a big house yelling screaming, playing and joking. Though as I look back upon missed opportunities and daring risks that could have landed me any where in the world. But ha, not I always had to take the safe way and just fall into a job that had some kind of stability, and a family with a house and a car. Though I can’t complain I guess seeing as there are so many people with so little” unknown
Saturday, January 31, 2004
31 January 2004
sometimes I like to test people to push them and my self, and see what it is that they and I know, understand and believe it also intrigues me so, why people are so quick to anger, especially bout such little things I have asked others why it is so but they cant answer me, but I can not answer myself when asked why I am lazy, though I have come to know that the why is not so important, as to how you deal with it when you find out such facts, and what is done to change the fact,, and become the opposite of what is negative in oneself, what ever is the opposite of laziness is what I need to find and cultivate more of, possibly a schedule to align clear and educate my mind such as one would have at a monastery, strict punishment and DISCIPLINE, I need to be quick to dispel the negative and produce positive, I’ve come to realise that when people scream at me I tend to just ignore and automatically shutoff myself off from them, no life is hard or easy, but necessary no action is negative or positive, for each can be seen as its opposite depending upon how an individual feels he or she benefits, or loses from the situation, even though when loss has occurred it is commonly seen as negative but what have you really lost
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
28 January 2004 9:45 AM
sitting upon a chair under the same sky as, but where have you been, who and what have you seen is what we want truly what we need so many people I walk by what are you feeling, are you happy or sad are you feeling happy or sad are you in pain what’s your shame does your mouth need exercise does your soul want to be set free this sun comes and goes but how many realise what we need and what we want is empty and hollow how society is very shallow a silhouette in the sand a grain in my mind with truth beyond this pen in my hand just skin and bone I wonder what do your senses realise do you see the truth or do you see what you want to see what makes you happy what helps you sleep at night
Friday, January 23, 2004
23 January 2004 10:50 AM
AM it’s a funny world we live, sometimes I feel so high and then sometimes so low, sometimes I feel lonely and sometimes I feel so crowded, sometimes I feel I need nobody, sometimes I feel I just need to hold someone I myself don’t make sense of myself how can I make sense of the world, all I know is that I cant wait to go overseas, it will be so good to be truly on my own with few belongings and no commitments at all here to hold me be back, I’ve been alright lately but still so damn lazy n I don’t know y, sometimes I feel like I miss so much but maybe its just the idea or connection or contact or someone close to talk to sometimes I just don’t know, what the hell is going on if there were some certainties in life some things in which one could count upon in life to judge or to know what is and what isn’t, a path clearly laid out or some sense of direction, I know I must go overseas but for what reason, what purpose what will be gained and what will be lost, what will grow and what will die inside me these r things which would ease my mind, also having given up drinking has been good, n seeing as I cant go OS till the end of the year it pains me but I know it will be for the best as these seem to pan out so, I wish I had some place to belong, I think this is my biggest problem, no structure or routine with little practise and push, it will certainly test me this year and may be necessary to be done and accomplished before not only the year but also my life and trip, I also try to rush everything, and need instant result of action other wise I lose my way quickly n to easily I am so weak, so small,………………………………........................................................................
Saturday, January 03, 2004
THE HORROR
, what a night with Micro absolutely off my head going to several brothels and going to see one lady which started all well but ended with the second most painful thing in my life as she poured something all over me which burnt the hell out of me I think it was menthol or something and it hurt so so so so much now that’s karma and we stayed at his brothers tattoo shop all day drinking and then to another bar and then the brothels and then for dinner somewhere and then back home what a night with 2 bottles of Samsong and one little one, it’s the most pissed for a while.
3 January 2004 5:19 AM
another has just past and again I still feel like I haven’t moved, i’m still a little weak, lazy boy lost in the big bad woods where i’m afraid of everything, how f*&%ed is that at my age, and I still haven’t changed or grown enough to live on my own, I need to leave not only to be upon my own, but to put myself in a situation where all I have is myself to depend upon, and survive, I wish there was some kinda crash course in life, or some way to increase the speed of some aspects of life and slow others down, how can I be of help if I cant even help myself, I just cant believe how weak I am, and plan on giving up drugs till I figure my head out, and hopefully do a fair amount of reading over the next few days and weeks, and go on a small trip away from every thing for a couple of days, and not drink but be away with myself and do some thinking and reading and meditation
Friday, December 19, 2003
19 December 2003 11:45 AM
sometimes I cant help but feel that i’m just wasting my life lying here as I just work and go out on the weekends what a waste or is it a necessary platform for what is to follow for me to allow myself to develop further to survive what’s around the corner, and feel that I not only need some stability some structure and some objective, I know I need to travel and cant wait to go overseas in about six months which will be unbelievable to travel to another country to not only survive but also to interact where every day will be filled with some new experience, and people, i’m feeling nervous already just thinking about it because I know how important it will be for me, and that hopefully I will be able to help others as well, I will no longer be just waiting around for things to happen I will make them happen as I leave the comfort of the luxuries in this country and to truly live in the moment as an outsider in a new country, so exciting with so many negativities and positives to occur, I will travel with nothing but clothes and my camera, to walk each day, I don’t want any distractions such as computers, TV or such things which matter not to me or life, except for communication in these days which people seem to be coming more attached to and I want to meet new people of a different world and live how they live, to experience this is truly enlightening how can one say you know a place without living in it from day to day, this is what I need to also be able to study in an environment which is of similar beliefs to what I have become to believe are true, I know family and friends will always be there but I desperately need to travel overseas and remove myself from this deprecating environment which I have become to comfortable in, I will just take clothes, books and probably my sleeping bag, and my camera isn’t even in question, so I can escape maybe from myself, but hopefully to find myself again and to become a better person with a greater wisdom and experience of other peoples lives and what they see as normal, there food and dress, living conditions and ideas, this is what my soul is yearning for the most, I must admit that I am in a very good position to do this as I see many people around who are unable to just leave everything and go, not just because I’m young but because I have no big responsibilities, and am able to work even though it’s a shitty repetitive go no where dead end boring ass job that I cant wait to leave though it has certainly served its purpose and it does give me the freedom to do what I wish, also thanks to my parents who give a fair bit of freedom and have allowed me to pursue, and also encourage, and knowing before I know what it is before I know, but never holding my hand but just by showing the door, which has also allowed me to fall and rise, but most importantly grow in a full circle, which one is unable to do if receiving to much of one or the other which is always the case with all that grows and lives, in six months I cant wait to be able to live in a another country its so damn exciting
Thursday, December 04, 2003
4 December 2003 5:17 PM
Lights flickered country alight,
Rain pours another spring night,
Grass glistening salt in the air,
Cracks in the clouds flair,
Were still ignorant of this land,
Each life a grain of sand,
Were still caught in the past,
With the flag at half mast,
Lost is our excuse,
Many still selfish and just use,
A need to strip away,
Break down and pray,
Magic around every and under,
All that is real in every thunder,
Fantasy is what we need,
With hope in each seed,
Destruction leads to birth,
Who is to judge each ones worth,
Everything that is born will die,
One must let go without a sigh,
Energy is all that is real,
Who even knows what to feel?
Failure is only in your head,
Don’t believe what is said,
Find the truth in your heart,
And you’ll find the true start,
Ruled by my weak mind,
Empty body is thy,
Flying through time,
Left out of the loop,
Caught in the middle of nowhere,
Nothing to loose,
Stuck with materials,
All we need is within,
To travel where we need,
Rain pours another spring night,
Grass glistening salt in the air,
Cracks in the clouds flair,
Were still ignorant of this land,
Each life a grain of sand,
Were still caught in the past,
With the flag at half mast,
Lost is our excuse,
Many still selfish and just use,
A need to strip away,
Break down and pray,
Magic around every and under,
All that is real in every thunder,
Fantasy is what we need,
With hope in each seed,
Destruction leads to birth,
Who is to judge each ones worth,
Everything that is born will die,
One must let go without a sigh,
Energy is all that is real,
Who even knows what to feel?
Failure is only in your head,
Don’t believe what is said,
Find the truth in your heart,
And you’ll find the true start,
Ruled by my weak mind,
Empty body is thy,
Flying through time,
Left out of the loop,
Caught in the middle of nowhere,
Nothing to loose,
Stuck with materials,
All we need is within,
To travel where we need,
Saturday, November 22, 2003
22 November 2003 7:12 AM
true richness stems from spirituality, and the thicker and darker the forest one passes through, the brighter and clearer the light at the end. Thou the more and more I think about it the more and more I cant help but think is why, even thou I know its not important and In the end I know its for the best it still aches and I cant but realise what real pain is, even thou my life is just a slight scratch on the surface, and I cant sleep again, I cant wait to go over seas and live in another country full of riches, some of the four most richest countries would have to be Thailand, Myanmar, India and Tibet, while writing this I realise that if I am to read this in a year or two or even more I think that I may find this ridiculous or in some way humorous I can seem to do for most things and yet when I try to pinpoint the actual reason it takes about five minutes to realise why its funny, now isn’t that funny, I have an insatiable urge to travel overseas and to live how others live in this rich world, what is it all for, I would also enjoy being able to help those in need, some how.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
18 November 2003 4:03 PM
maybe man needs pain and suffering to survive, not everything can be perfect all the time, loss and gain are as necessary as water and oxygen, without them how do you know what its like when one is lost
Begun again, endless pain
Left in the rain,
Till the sun shines
We will wait in lines
Pieces strewn all over the table
Each person is able
Begun again, endless pain
Left in the rain,
Till the sun shines
We will wait in lines
Pieces strewn all over the table
Each person is able
Monday, November 17, 2003
17 November 2003 5:58 AM
the world is such an amazing place in which so much pain and suffering experienced by people daily, because of others own ego and selfishness. It’s a constant splinter in my mind. Also just relished how well a puzzle can be used as an analogy, to almost everything, revenge, life, humans, society, everything is contained within boundaries, in which a lot of confusion is held, but as along as one doesn’t loose perspective, forget the aim anything can and will be accomplished with persistence. One doesn’t even have to know what the end result will be, but just as long as you are honest and make sure all the pieces fit, then the last piece will fall into place without any effort. I know I am a weak man, am better off for it, I also know that I will always be better off, but never better, as anyone can find what, what I am forever grateful for, the truth, in all its glory without glorification.
Friday, November 14, 2003
14 November 2003 6:00 AM
AM its amazing how hard it can be to make people see what you see, there so closed off, and don’t even listen to any new ideas, are they afraid to investigate what they’ve been led to believe there whole lives, and some don’t even understand why you would want to.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
9 November 2003 7:58 PM
life is a book, the more people you meet and places you see the more pages, and the richer your own book becomes. This is what real richness is. Imagine to get a job for the UN would be so cool travelling and helping those that truly need it. If only everything was black and white, people said what was really on there mind, and truly honest. Why do people make it so hard?
Monday, November 03, 2003
3 November 2003 7:01 PM
“The mind-finger presses the release on the silly machine and it stops time and holds what its jaw can encompass and what the light will stain. That moment when the landscape speaks to the observer.” Lee Friedlander February 1970
I’ve found my answer this is what photography is in it purest form, its not so important where you are or what’s around you but that you are aware of the environment around you and listen to it, embrace it, breathe it, to live in the moment when that time is stopped that you interacted with it and that you were a part of it, becoming the photo whether in it or not, it’s a part of you, and a memory, and point in your life. Your life’s so short in terms of the whole universe, but having photography freezes that second for ever, and is a memory in itself that can be held, a hard copy from your mind that can be held in your hand. For there are two places in this world in which things can never exist as a hard copy, or representation of your world, and that’s in our minds, and now inside these computers, where reality has no place. The mind is the same as the virtual world in which computers and the internet exist. A whole world based upon ones and zeros, where nothing exists and yet the whole world is contained with all the information we have gathered over the thousands of years.
I’ve found my answer this is what photography is in it purest form, its not so important where you are or what’s around you but that you are aware of the environment around you and listen to it, embrace it, breathe it, to live in the moment when that time is stopped that you interacted with it and that you were a part of it, becoming the photo whether in it or not, it’s a part of you, and a memory, and point in your life. Your life’s so short in terms of the whole universe, but having photography freezes that second for ever, and is a memory in itself that can be held, a hard copy from your mind that can be held in your hand. For there are two places in this world in which things can never exist as a hard copy, or representation of your world, and that’s in our minds, and now inside these computers, where reality has no place. The mind is the same as the virtual world in which computers and the internet exist. A whole world based upon ones and zeros, where nothing exists and yet the whole world is contained with all the information we have gathered over the thousands of years.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
2 November 2003 7:29 PM
another day nearing its end on a mild Sunday evening, troubled with what to do for the following year and what can I do, having had enough of uni as it is I will still have 2 subjects left next year but can I do them in another country somewhere far away, in another world having had a close look at Max Pams - Indian Ocean Journals, and Herb Ritts - Africa, I find we are all different yet, we are all the same, but its life, and I ask what is life ? How do you photograph it? What do you photograph? I find little inspiration here probably because I have, I am this place I am Melbourne, I am the streets and the people, and this place, and all from Melbourne are. When I look through these photos I find myself being taken away not only to another place but another time, where I want to be, I want to be travelling around, meeting people, and going through places talking, maybe this is what I need. Looking at the photos I know that these scenes just aren’t here, where to go and what to do? Is photography though a documentation of what is around you, or is it more, a documentation of your own life? Of places of just where your life takes, and the people you meet each day. How to capture life?……………………………............... What is life?……………………………
Saturday, November 01, 2003
1 November 2003 11:33 AM
AM there can be no end or beginnings simply for the fact that nothing would exist by now and that when everything is reduced to rubble it is recycled and every thing that exists comes from the earth and eventually returns the same all the water used and all that falls from the sky on to the dirt eventually returns to the sea, in an existence where we are so blind to the truth, of all that is real and not real, and the effect we have upon this world, or are we so good at denying the truth that we simply wish to forget about it and sweep it under the carpet. I look through a book of black and white photos of people and places I’ve never met nor been, yet when I look into the eyes of those individuals I cant help but see my self, and every single human beinging within them, as we all crave the same cravings, and we all feel the same feelings, the human body not only is a machine but can be a very delicate and beautiful form that reflects its birth in every picture of the landscape, or is just that being human I see this beauty and frailty that so many miss, our bodies the product of thousands and millions of years of evolution, and found to be the most dominant subject upon the round ball, or is it foolish to think that we even dominate at all, so what if we can build tall buildings and machines to fly in the air around the world, we have only dominated by destroying that is stupidity, not a civilised group of beings, its not surprising that I don’t see anything of awe about my immediate environment, probably because I have become complacent and take this complicated life for granted, and feel that this is no extraordinary place but look to the vastness of this land when there is nothing, and find that extraordinary, but those that come from such lands stand in awe. Possibly because of the atrocities, or what man is capable of, but never seems to wish to migrate here, yet we cant help but return again and again, as thou it were a part of our soul that’s drawn to this feeling of “nature” and nothing but you and the country, and what ever else there is out there
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