BODY ART

27 hours work, what have I done and what will I do, nothing can be taken for granted and I can rely only on others for what can I do for myself here very little do I still follow what I did before there is little I need and even less that I want its becoming easier to give in, but not given up, I have no idea where i’m heading, or even what will happen tomorrow, there’s still too much pain, I need to let of and fear, and release all that makes one angry, Restraint, Forgiveness, solving the root problem.

Share

FROM HOME TO HOME

22 hours work, home, maybe its time I went home, and work for a while, I’ve finally got some goals now, just work and save for a couple of years, then I can come and live, and own a house and a bar, and a shop and I’ll have 3 incomes, hopefully which would be good, which means hopefully I’ll set for a while, and I wont have to worry about money again, but for how long I can go, do I try and do it quick, or do I just wait a little longer, just as long as I keep it fun and keep my mind, what i’m after then it wont be a problem it will soon be over everything passes and I don’t need to spend much by keeping my expenses down I’ll be able to do more hopefully quicker but will see how we go who knows what will happen.

Share

WHAT TO DO

home, 18.5 hours work. Warm/ wet, I just don’t know what to do with my life, no money and no idea, what to do next, or even more, what’s going to happen next, but I know what’s more important than anything, and such an important time, I must keep a clear mind, what to do what to do, maybe I can just wait and see I need to keep a level head and just relax and see how things go.

Share

SABIE SABIE

home , sabie sabie, never has everything been so clear, all of my troubles belong to my mind, and exist only in my mind, all of my anger only exists because I let it, but why has it taken me 25 years, to see it, and all of my pain I have caused is because of fear and yet what am I afraid of, I still don’t know because my mind is so small but my consciousness can fill the universe I realise I have nothing to give, but love because all else is empty but to give this needs truth otherwise you cant make love, but it makes you, all other emotions exist inn the mind only, and that’s where they belong because, the only emotion that the mind needs to exist true love has no place but all other emotions arise in the mind, Jesus said love thy neighbour and love thy enemy for the first time I really miss my parents, I miss that unconditional love, cause its fucken hard to find, so many people here are just after money, but I can understand why they long for all the shit i’m willing to give up, but not all of it, what the hell is there to be afraid of, the best thing that has happened is that my different fears have diminished because really what the fuck do you have to fear when you break away from the ego, you realise just how fucken shit and how much you have people close to you, for nothing but fear but you learn what have you got fear for, other than the burning flame, or boiling there is nothing but shit, there’s only one person that controls your emotions and it’s the unconsciousness, mind.

Share

CAUSE AND EFFECT

(Bangkok), hotel Nobel, warm, I see how each encounter and action allows me to see more and more without this time here who knows how long the suffering would continue I understand now that its just as much my fault as hers if not more, how important it is to care and give more instead of being so selfish and thinking of myself, I need to care and do it now before its to late, and it destroys itself, I need to give more, and make space, for emptiness for the pain to enter before we can be free, we have so much work to do, and nothing is being done, make the one your with the most important person and care with care love and compassion will follow and fill those you are with, be the light yourself, don’t wait for others to follow but just be and accept understanding will follow empathy/ understanding watching the mind, knowing knowing, knowing, impermanence, nonself, suffering, awareness, happiness from within oneself be the Buddha, by changing your own being by practising these qualities people will follow and change with you or they will run and hide.

Share

PENANG

(Bangkok), Penang, rainforest restaurant, wet/warm, stuck again in a place I don’t really want to be, wet and warm, watching fish swim by me as drops fall upon my head, wondering what i’m doing here, where am I going, think I’ve resigned to the fact that I don’t really care anymore, just as long as i’m happy having fun, and know one is getting hurt, it’s the same crazy shit I’ve done and gone thru and don’t suspect it to change, for as long as I don’t change my scene, but its fun, well most of the time anyway, but its all suffering no matter what we choose to, do or not do, its all just a matter of mind, no matter where you are or what you do so what, difference does it make or what you do, as long as you’re not causing any suffering, or harm in any way, and help those you can, this is what matters, unconditional love for all beings, with an understanding of what is and why, and an understanding of silence, this is the first step the rest will follow. I should be more grateful for the times of peace I do have, and use them a little more wisely, i’m also staring to see more how the mind doesn’t enjoy the present and hopefully only one more whole day with two sleeps to go then I can go home again.

Share

WAITING WAITING WAITING

(Malaysia, this is just because its Friday 13, but its amazing how they can build a massive shopping centre similar to chaddy but be surrounded by such poverty, its really quite amazing, to see how big the difference can be and who are the ones really shopping here there and must be a lot of Chinese here but its also funny to see how little there is to do here. Its funny how many nights I have had here on my own in the last 6 months just in a hotel room on my own with nothing to do but wait.

Share

THE DOOR IS OPEN

Malaysia, Penang, hotel Nobel, warm, you would not believe the shit I’ve gone thru over the last 6 months, its been incredible, and I still don’t believe half the shit that has happened, from one day to the next you never know what’s going to happen, sometimes I still have to remind myself where I am, and what kind of shit that has happened, and the people I’ve met, and what I’ve seen its been crazy. I still see I have a lot of work to do, on the inside especially positive forgiveness and to be more understanding, think for a minute about why and what and how. I’m still quite surprised by the difference between countries right next door to Thailand seems to have so much more there seems to be so little maybe communism/ Muslims should get together a little more often both seem similar or maybe its just because of its popularity which is also obviously influenced by its government/ religion seeing as Thais seem to do what ever they want.

Share

WHY OH WHY

14.5 hours work.

Share

ENJOY THE PAIN

11.5 hours done with a lot of pain, and suffering but its been fun, watching and learning with a lot done, quickly much quicker than before, I can feel my leg and body are lot more tired, but last night was fun, going Bangla, Tai Pan, again so many ladies its unbelievable and yet there where so many before i’m glad I was able to see it most of it all before.

Share

PAIN WHAT PAIN

8 hours of work already and so much pain.

Share

WHAT HAVE I DONE

, shop, I’ve definitely got myself into some crazy shit who would have thought shit would end up like this crazy and could never even dream up shit like this ever what the hell am I doing with my life what are you supposed to do with it that also freaks me out people keep saying what are you doing with your life are you happy now, are you happy with this, as thou there’s something more, what else could you want I don’t need much and I’ve been given everything I’ve needed how could I not be happy only a person trying to feed upon an endless ego would want more and I don’t need that then I would never be happy and so much shit has gone down I would never have believed you if you told me before but ay fuck it, Sabie Sabie, take it as it comes and don’t be so attached only In fucken Thailand would ya get so much crazy shit going and if only you would never fully understand what kind of shit goes down and for why but so many people talk shit I don’t know why its not the same as home where you do what you can for your friend and not what you can get out of your friend, sometimes I still cant believe what’s gone down life is so good most of the time apart from the few times here and there where I’ve been drunk and lost the plot ending up with nothing from nothing but these ARE GOOD TIMES WHERE EVERYTHING IS NOW COMING BACK, AND I HAVE TO DO VERY LITTLE, BUT SOON I WILL NEED TO MAKE AND GIVE, back again but for now i’m just a real bum, though its such a weird lifestyle, at the moment these are definably the good times, and let them roll on, hopefully this will last for a while, after doing my first tattoo, going to hospital, so many ladies, I cant remember so much alcohol, I cant remember so much weed, is hasn’t all been fun, but its all ended \well, which I guess is good, it will be good to do my own work thou, but I will have to wait a while.

Share

SLOW DOWN

another drunken night gone but it doesn’t seem so fast anymore but just as crazy and even had a spew at the bar which was a little weird seeing as I wasn’t that drunk but I don’t know what happened and i’m also beginning to know to many people on Bangla, even just walking around isn’t easy anymore and there all nearly girls I need very little and want even less and a lot more suffering it seems as the fun gets more so does the pain so what do you do and I cant help but think where will my life lead me i’m learning a lot a real lot but there are too many ladies here.

Share

CRAZY

, my life has also become rather crazy as I see now it was always going to be if I stayed here but what can I do its a lot more manic/depressive than I’m used to and expected but what can I do I never imagined it would be like this I was hoping for simplicity especially after Chiang Mai, which was so peaceful and pleasant and wasn’t easy but not hard, this is almost to extreme from bliss to heart break, it certainly takes it out of ya if you become to attached which I think I have but I know it wont last all I can rely on is the truth of what is and not what I tell myself it to be, I need to become more free and reliant upon myself and what I can do even if it isn’t much its all I have to rely upon is what I can do and feel is right I don’t care about anything at the moment but my friends and there position why is it I reflect this is so much as though i’m a mirror in which I cant be my own self and i’m always up for heedlessness maybe to escape the pain inside I wish it to go away and yet I created it how smart can I be when I create my own suffering day in day out I feel it maybe that why i’m so quick to tears because it touch’s upon my own pain, I need to know myself better, I know I want nothing but to be free of this suffering I feel each second i’m feeling very tired and worn out i’m looking forward to a holiday
16:16 its certainly been interesting but not always fun but definitely learn a lot with a lot of good people around to help but very tiring what a weird world I’ve entered its amazing how I see nothing is normal and nothing is backwards or forwards just because one person does it one way doesn’t make it right and the other way is wrong its just different after going to hospital and having stitches for the first time and having them taken out by a friend I almost feel like a mute Thai person who can barely speak.

Share

SUNDOWN GULP

sitting in the shop on my birthday drinking at 3 after another scare just relaxing and trying to be in the moment writing about the past and wondering what’s going to happen next nothing really to gain or loose but just live and do and carry on I am in such a conflict most of the time with myself and end up taking it out on someone else but I keep asking myself what about that there’s only a problem if there’s a solution I just don’t know what to do so I will do nothing and just wait soon this will pass and my only happiness which I can rely on is my own, and just be happy i’m alive and to suffer a little more with what ever I can I wish for nothing and need very little and my own judgement of the situation is what is bringing me down, so what can I do, I wish for simplicity and all I get is complexity, nothing has turned out how I thought it would, and everything just keeps going up and down, like a roller coaster in my head and heart, I just don’t know what to do anymore, it has not been easy, sometimes I just want to walk away, sometimes run, but then you get nowhere.

Share

UP DOWN LEVEL

what a crazy week, its been so many ups and downs arguments and misunderstandings and we still come back together and who knows what will happen next everything gets more and more crazy having stayed in this country for so long it all feels so normal now its no longer the same surprised around the corner of these streets but of my life its no longer a surprise the area and I still love this place no matter how much I loose but really what have I lost and there’s so much freedom and you can have what ever you want and I seem to be meeting more and more people that are so closely connected if I stay here I could know everyone soon, its just a matter of time really but I still have so much to learn the more I know the more I want to learn hopefully I can stay here for a long time I don’t wanna go home yet, its been the biggest learning experience of my life.

Share

CRAVING SIMPLICITY

what a crazy world I live in seeing how people actually live from day to day and hearing there troubles and how they cope then watching myself and how I cope is really awakening with such highs and lows friends and family and even a few enemies along the way I really respect how Micro deals with different situations and its also interesting to see how my life has/ is turning out and the things I’ve seen and done and experienced is really amazing sometimes you just want to cry or laugh and just give up but what really, what difference does it make when you realise nothing really matters and that there is no right or wrong, good or bad there is just life and that which comes with it and you cant get to happy/ sad because really its all the same shit anyway so why stress or even bother just be accept let in relax and watch the breath live now and basically I’ve become a pimp and am living the good life of not having to work, I can see now why they do it its so easy and you get money for nothing and everything paid for and you live the good life but its only ever for a little while and can quickly and easily turn bad as well.

Share

HOME HOME HOME

Patong, warm>>>>hot, its good to be home a little nervous as usual and a lot poorer than planned buts its still good and I’ve even made a place a little better thou it was only money that I gave and maybe even just a little hope as well but it does feel good to have done some good and I don’t really need the money anyway, just as long as I can get home that’s all then work for six or 7 months get cashed up and come back and if I have enough maybe even buy a house I love Thailand too much to not at least live here for a while and it feels good to know that I’ve helped the people here and made it a little better i’m very tired thou and i’m so over travelling at the moment plus I’ve got no money left and am relying upon the fact that ill get a job and get some cash then I can stay for as long as possible even thou its good to be home a lot has changed since the last time I was here but its still home it hasn’t changed that much, death is only feared and seen as negative because of our attachment and belief that it will bring us lasting happiness.

Share

TOMORROW IS EMPTY

i’m not so interested in what i’m going to be but just being, why get so caught up in tomorrow when you’ll haven’t even finished today I do have a wish to have children but i’m in no hurry at all, but I have noticed that my awareness is so much better since Ajahn Suphan i’m even surprised just knowing and being the watcher in the back seat as Bhante said, I have no feeling of wanting to return home just yet its also really fun learning another language and comparing I ti the only one I know I wouldn’t mind returning to a job thou now for a while any way i’m kinda over backpacking it is fun but I need a break for a while so I can pick up my learning a bit better and hopefully maybe even teach a little it has been nice to help others thou, and I really shouldn’t really worry because everything has gone better than I could have planned, so i’m not really worried and if worse comes to worse I’ll just go home and work for a while.

Share

LIFES FAMILY

it’s a very nice system, almost communism, in a democratic government but no one really seems to be doing much and as I’ve been drinking most of the time but they seem rather happy the whole time and its just nice to see that I can help even if its just money but its really weird to be in such a place with such poverty buts its also funny to know they still crave after the basics and they wanna go up and i’m happy going down it would be good to be able to speak thou, and I wouldn’t mind living here but not working hard and there such nice people and definitely love to party dance drink but I do love it here. I also see how vipassana is just acceptance of everything all at once and as soon as it arises you accept, as you accept you let it go and then you can become attached to it because it comes and goes you don’t identify because you see the impermanence, and our greatest teacher is suffering

Share