27 June 2004 4:43 PM

it is so wonderful to be able to just sit and ponder, with wise reflection the veil of all reality slowly, very very slowly becomes clear, the ability to see everything the way it is, is truly amazing, there is nothing in this world in which I need, nothing nada, nil, zero, its only my body which craves such defilements, such illnesses apart from food, cloths and shelter, I realise now that my nose not knows what is pleasant or not, my ear knows not what is pleasant or not, my tongue knows what is pleasant or not, my mind is the one who has bought me to this hell, the one who desires and longs to pull me down with it, but I say no, not now, and not ever will I let myself become a slave to my mind, I enjoy the battles with my mind, like the day verses the night, cold verses hot, all is starting to unravel, there is nothing one can take into the next life but desire and karma, so why not focus upon these while one is alive, what a waste to spend ones life doing activities which not only reverse this idea, but also mask, and produce denial, and fear of the real universe, not just this planet of causes and conditions but of the whole universe made up of causes and conditions. Such an amazing feeling to live so simply, such freedom, to not have to work or study, everything one needs, one already has, within oneself is the universe, so many things has man made to distract himself from what the truth is, but then when one nears death he is shocked to see the world as it is,

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20 June 2004 10:20 AM

I now can only find peace and happiness in the dhamma which embraces my ears, and eyes, no longer do I see the point in working for my whole life, and for what, and to obtain so little, what is the point I still ask, thou an answer I feel is coming, but will it suffice and quench my fears I doubt it, but there is only one result which can save me now…………………… and only then will I truly be happy and peaceful.

I give myself to you my beloved,
My body to the ground,
My soul to you,

My blood and skin, from the ground within,
My heart and mind, with this ring binds,
My soul and energy, too love and my beloved.

Grateful to see your face,
Within the land,
Inside each sentient being,

I have searched the top,
And bottom of this world,
East and west, when you were always inside,

You are my saviour,
I looked the entire world,
Except within myself,

Now I’ve finally found you,
I give myself to you,
My love and energy to you,

I am the energy,
You the light,
Blocked the clouds bright,


Ignorance makes up all barriers



For eons and eons darkness had ruled,
Until your face I saw,
Didn’t realise how I was fooled,
Surrounded by light in awe.


I see more and myself,
To attain is my only desire,
What has always burned within the fire,

My purpose I may never know,
But my heart feels the truth,
Blinded in my youth,

As each second goes,
My chances slip by,
But my time is nigh,

Can’t help but think why,
How and when,
Will my pain and suffering end?

I will meet the one,
When the time is right,
The final period in sight,

What’s funny, what’s harmful, what’s fearful, what’s annoying, what’s pleasant, what’s not, what tastes good, what tastes bad, how do these arise inside the mind, what determines the food I like, or the entertainment I wish to partake in, what’s the difference, the mind is weak and needs constant awareness and concentration, every second allows it to wander to where it shouldn’t, and causes more subfreezing, everything needs to be done in moderation, not to low or not to high, once you indulge you become weak, and once you refrain for to long you become weak, this is not ideal, and includes anything, food, entertainment, lust, anger, fear,

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15 June 2004 11:02 AM

just as I sit here in bed, in Mt Waverley, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, the earth, I cant but help think what its all about, what really does it matter, what difference does it make what it is I do, I sit here and look at my fingers, are they mine, do I really own them, I can move them, and they can cause me great pain, and yet they are constantly changing, and aging, what difference does it make what I do, what is the point of all this, what happens tomorrow, who knows, but what I know is now and now is all I have and the only time i’m actually alive is now, not yesterday, or tomorrow, i’m not alive tomorrow, or though I may be living tomorrow, and yesterday which has been, I lived, i’m not alive yesterday, people seem so hell bent on criticising everyone else, its so easy to criticise, why don’t YOU FUCKEN DO SOMETHING TO HELP, what difference does it make, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get greedy, I get hungry, I get full, I get afraid, I get disgusted, and yet I don’t know who or what I am, I have so many labels, and am so confused, I still don’t understand what, why I am here, why is all of this here what difference does it make, sometimes I just feel what’s the point, what’s the bloody difference………………

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13 June 2004 10:45 AM

I think I finally know why people do become associated with and some even join the monastics way of life, as they begin to realise the dhamma, you realise the negative in the world, and how people are struggling to keep there head above the water, I myself have even been a part of this in the past but now just tend to keep my mouth shut, but people are so judgemental of people, and are constantly putting others down, whether they know them or not, but they still feel the need to tell everyone what they think of that person, who really cares how smart, beautiful, or talented, shouldn’t it just consist of whether that person is a good person or not, shouldn’t honesty, compassion and love be a guide for people, not such shallow emptiness, and to get away from such behaviour would also be a relief, its also daunting thinking about what one will do with the rest of ones life, and I know I couldn’t do the one job for the rest of my life, which could also conflict with the monastery, but in hindsight, there would be happiness and far far far less grief being in a temple

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7 June 2004 5:06 AM

when one begins the path of the eightfold path, and attempts to change his or her life around to a spiritual one, there are many emotions attached to this experience, as I guess many human experiences endure, but they are felt so deeply its as though you become that emotion in every cell of your being, you think, feel and act solely on its energy, the problem is it can be both positive and negative, especially when one doesn’t yet have the practice or wisdom to delve deeper into, and beyond, this is not just a Buddhist situation either, but plain and simple a religious one, and is really only significant for those on a spiritual path, as many people are either born into a religion and unfortunately they never really investigate there own religion or anything spiritual at all, or they care not for what is right in front of them and choose to ignore what they either cant see or fear, and end up filling there lives with so much crap that in the end they really do have no time for spiritual growth which is a real shame, because this is what makes you grow as a human being, and gives you the ability for compassion, empathy and a connection between your fellow man which is already there and has been for ever and will always be there, this body we have comes from the ground and will eventually return, and be born again, it is not permanent and what is impermanent is empty, for it is not permanent, and permanent is not form, only that which is permanent, is impermanence. I must admit though there was time when I was younger that I was not in favour of any spirituality or form of organised religion, as they all seemed so hypocritical, until of course when I actually made an effort to investigate upon my own, and shake the veil of ignorance, instead of running and being afraid, I just stopped and sat quite for a while until I could look upon my own mind and see it for what it is, though with guidance of course I did this, and with a little help from the school counsellor, who allowed me to get so much shit off my chest, in which I had never let out before, and when I realised that what ever your trouble or fear is, its never as bad as you would think when you face it, especially with the aid of spiritual practice and wisdom, we all have weakness some of course are easier to deal with than others, though nothing is new, what ever your problem, its arisen and been dealt with before, by a lot more people than you would think, and were expected to fall off every now and then, unless you have joined the monastic life, then there will be consequences for your actions, but there is less distraction, and just plain rubbish, so there is less temptation, but needs such strength and ability to be able to spend such large amounts of time with him/herself, without the distractions, its not so bad doing a couple of days here and there, when you know it will be over again, but I must attempt it again, and feel that this is the only way I will find meaning within my own life, along with fasting as well which is also an amazing experience, almost as though your teasing the beast from within to venture out and show itself, this is when your strength and its weakness are at its most prominent and visible, its rather exciting, when one knows what to expect, ………………………………. Maybe this is where fear comes from, this is very interesting, fear obviously comes from a lack of knowledge, uncertainty, and inexperience, so why do we constantly stay within this state when the answers, experience, wisdom, knowledge are out here, spirituality is now my key to happiness, guidance, experience, knowledge, wisdom, and help………………………………..

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6 June 2004 10:38 AM

interesting to read back upon my time on meditation, very interesting, I wish to go back, and go upon another, so rewarding and peaceful on your own, but very handy with a monk around to guide and teach one who is at the bottom, and you soon realize that there is nothing bad in the world, especially when one knows of karma, and that there are no bad days, just bad actions, and that there is no destiny which one can choose or change or your destiny is your destiny, all that changes is what one believes there destiny to be, which is of course guided by your karma, so indirectly one can influence ones fate so to speak, but i’m looking forward to my time at the end of exams to get away for a while down to the beach on my own, and do a juice fast for a couple of days which will also be a learning experience

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5 June 2004 10:37 AM

a decree I must give here, no longer will I ever do anything to cause harm to any living being, seen or not, big or small, strong or weak, far or near, for I fear more than any punishment in which one could give in this world, there is nothing that I would dare say to purposely harm one or another, but from honesty and what small amount of wisdom, and compassion that I have will all that I say be grown, even though many people find it hard to take any amount of criticism, no matter how helpful it could be, everything should be taken from the centre of ones mind, and not be self centred, otherwise nothing from anyone will be taken aboard, but I would be thankful if someone where to reveal my faults to me so that I could go back and work upon them, to improve and be able to help others, isn’t this logical, and practical, why be afraid of imperfection, when perfection doesn’t exist, but already perfect, one can not be perfect, as one already is, as one attempts to become perfect they in effect become imperfect, in all the magazines today people are awarded for there beauty and basically the death of the body, all your skin, hair and nails, are already dead and are being discarded as they become redundant, and yet this is what we see as beautiful, yuk, yuk, what hypocrisy, really when you think about it, it is quite disgusting, and people spend so much on plastic surgery that in the end not only makes them not look beautiful, but fake, not real, bogus, phony, a sham, counterfeit, in effect lying to yourself and all those around you, that doesn’t make sense when you know what I know, thou I do understand, but I guess why the hell should I care anyway, they can do what ever they want. But I would like if they were able to see what it is I’ve been shown, and found, to be the truth……………… hopefully they will see one day, and we can all live in harmony…………………………

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3 June 2004 9:21 AM

it’s interesting to note, how can one be lost when one knows not of own origin, or destination. This doesn’t make sense does it, its also interesting to note, when one finally realizes the truth how simple it is, but also how weak, and wrong one has been, i’m also beginning to understand more the rules or guidelines in which Buddha laid down so long ago, because you then do nothing wrong, even if you don’t do what was said, but just do what he said not to do, saves so much heartache

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2 June 2004 12:00 PM

just realized another great insight into the Buddha himself, and Buddhism, I have finally realized why its not a religion, such as those that exist now, nowhere does the Buddha saw follow me, or that he was right, though with wisdom, and practice one begins to realize how right the great Buddha was, and will always be, never interested in ceremonies, traditions, or religious festivals, but only in the way the world and life is, the truth doesn’t need to be believed, it’s the truth, the truth is known, because it is and always will be the way of life, I now have gone beyond belief, but know the Buddha was, and will always be right, my investigation is finally over HOORAY……………………..
it has taken me not only my whole life to finally find the way back to the eight fold path, but with my investigation which began about six years ago has finally succeeded, and a great burden lifted from my mind and body, the Buddha did not teach a religion, but the truth as it is, and the method for enlightenment, which can be attained by any who follow no matter what religion, but one doesn’t also need to become a monk or a nun to attain, though this is obviously the easiest way to attain liberation, as all external factors are removed, and one has finally let go of all worldly desires and delusions, the truth doesn’t change, and is timeless, I now know Buddha and his teachings which have been named Buddhism but need not be labelled as such, as the Buddha himself was not interested in labels, but the truth which is like the sun shinning down, and all around, one doesn’t believe the sun is yellow, or that grass is green, but knows it to be, there is a big difference, but can only be found for me, by the road I have been upon, and the investigation in which I undertook, not knowing where it lead me, and still not knowing where I will end up, but my confidence is steadily growing, and when all weaknesses arise and fears, I know it is the mind and if I continue I will break its hold, and the wall of delusion, but I still have far far far more places to travel,………………………………

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