WAITING WAITING WAITING

(Malaysia, this is just because its Friday 13, but its amazing how they can build a massive shopping centre similar to chaddy but be surrounded by such poverty, its really quite amazing, to see how big the difference can be and who are the ones really shopping here there and must be a lot of Chinese here but its also funny to see how little there is to do here. Its funny how many nights I have had here on my own in the last 6 months just in a hotel room on my own with nothing to do but wait.

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THE DOOR IS OPEN

Malaysia, Penang, hotel Nobel, warm, you would not believe the shit I’ve gone thru over the last 6 months, its been incredible, and I still don’t believe half the shit that has happened, from one day to the next you never know what’s going to happen, sometimes I still have to remind myself where I am, and what kind of shit that has happened, and the people I’ve met, and what I’ve seen its been crazy. I still see I have a lot of work to do, on the inside especially positive forgiveness and to be more understanding, think for a minute about why and what and how. I’m still quite surprised by the difference between countries right next door to Thailand seems to have so much more there seems to be so little maybe communism/ Muslims should get together a little more often both seem similar or maybe its just because of its popularity which is also obviously influenced by its government/ religion seeing as Thais seem to do what ever they want.

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WHY OH WHY

14.5 hours work.

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ENJOY THE PAIN

11.5 hours done with a lot of pain, and suffering but its been fun, watching and learning with a lot done, quickly much quicker than before, I can feel my leg and body are lot more tired, but last night was fun, going Bangla, Tai Pan, again so many ladies its unbelievable and yet there where so many before i’m glad I was able to see it most of it all before.

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PAIN WHAT PAIN

8 hours of work already and so much pain.

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WHAT HAVE I DONE

, shop, I’ve definitely got myself into some crazy shit who would have thought shit would end up like this crazy and could never even dream up shit like this ever what the hell am I doing with my life what are you supposed to do with it that also freaks me out people keep saying what are you doing with your life are you happy now, are you happy with this, as thou there’s something more, what else could you want I don’t need much and I’ve been given everything I’ve needed how could I not be happy only a person trying to feed upon an endless ego would want more and I don’t need that then I would never be happy and so much shit has gone down I would never have believed you if you told me before but ay fuck it, Sabie Sabie, take it as it comes and don’t be so attached only In fucken Thailand would ya get so much crazy shit going and if only you would never fully understand what kind of shit goes down and for why but so many people talk shit I don’t know why its not the same as home where you do what you can for your friend and not what you can get out of your friend, sometimes I still cant believe what’s gone down life is so good most of the time apart from the few times here and there where I’ve been drunk and lost the plot ending up with nothing from nothing but these ARE GOOD TIMES WHERE EVERYTHING IS NOW COMING BACK, AND I HAVE TO DO VERY LITTLE, BUT SOON I WILL NEED TO MAKE AND GIVE, back again but for now i’m just a real bum, though its such a weird lifestyle, at the moment these are definably the good times, and let them roll on, hopefully this will last for a while, after doing my first tattoo, going to hospital, so many ladies, I cant remember so much alcohol, I cant remember so much weed, is hasn’t all been fun, but its all ended \well, which I guess is good, it will be good to do my own work thou, but I will have to wait a while.

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SLOW DOWN

another drunken night gone but it doesn’t seem so fast anymore but just as crazy and even had a spew at the bar which was a little weird seeing as I wasn’t that drunk but I don’t know what happened and i’m also beginning to know to many people on Bangla, even just walking around isn’t easy anymore and there all nearly girls I need very little and want even less and a lot more suffering it seems as the fun gets more so does the pain so what do you do and I cant help but think where will my life lead me i’m learning a lot a real lot but there are too many ladies here.

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CRAZY

, my life has also become rather crazy as I see now it was always going to be if I stayed here but what can I do its a lot more manic/depressive than I’m used to and expected but what can I do I never imagined it would be like this I was hoping for simplicity especially after Chiang Mai, which was so peaceful and pleasant and wasn’t easy but not hard, this is almost to extreme from bliss to heart break, it certainly takes it out of ya if you become to attached which I think I have but I know it wont last all I can rely on is the truth of what is and not what I tell myself it to be, I need to become more free and reliant upon myself and what I can do even if it isn’t much its all I have to rely upon is what I can do and feel is right I don’t care about anything at the moment but my friends and there position why is it I reflect this is so much as though i’m a mirror in which I cant be my own self and i’m always up for heedlessness maybe to escape the pain inside I wish it to go away and yet I created it how smart can I be when I create my own suffering day in day out I feel it maybe that why i’m so quick to tears because it touch’s upon my own pain, I need to know myself better, I know I want nothing but to be free of this suffering I feel each second i’m feeling very tired and worn out i’m looking forward to a holiday
16:16 its certainly been interesting but not always fun but definitely learn a lot with a lot of good people around to help but very tiring what a weird world I’ve entered its amazing how I see nothing is normal and nothing is backwards or forwards just because one person does it one way doesn’t make it right and the other way is wrong its just different after going to hospital and having stitches for the first time and having them taken out by a friend I almost feel like a mute Thai person who can barely speak.

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