To be or not to be????

Its been a while since I’ve done this, but that’s ok, no one will read it any way, so I can just let it all out, it does come as a relief to just put down what many people fear to even acknowledge, some days are good and some days not so good, spending my days in front of fans, as the sweat still drips down my arm, the heat never seems tire. It can be very difficult living in a country that is so different to anything you were bought up with. Often what you were taught before, is here completely ridiculous, often vice versa doesn’t even come close. Ideas have been hijacked to serve a different purpose, which is not uncommon in any country. Soon you realize there is no reality that this is all just a dream, and I am waiting to wake up as an eighty year old man, wondering where my life went, and for what purpose there is/was. But I am grateful for the experience, which would certainly not be possible in the last zoo I was at. The only thing that has saved is my own self control, meditation and the most powerful of all, my own children. They didn’t always work, and it has taken years to grow, but each step is worthy, and necessary, and there will be many more on the way. It can be so difficult to put such things into words, as often they are not anywhere adequate, and another major problem is that everybody seems to have a different meaning for the same word. And so many experiences are beyond my feeble attempts at any explanation. I constant wondering what it’s all for, is their a purpose is there something more than what we can’t see? Sometimes I think I get glimpses but how can I be sure what it is, how can anyone? And why is I must keep questioning? Why does doubt keep creeping? I know it is only my ego, but why can’t I turn that off either? Is life just an infinite circle? Are we doomed to repeat everything hundreds of times? Is there really any purpose to it all????? I realized quite young that money was an empty field of dreams. But then how do others get caught up in its power? Why does history repeat itself??? Why cant people see what all the great teachers have been teaching for centuries??? What is it that makes people question, and others become slaves??? When will he come for me as he does for us all???? And what will happen when he does???

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