31 January 2004

sometimes I like to test people to push them and my self, and see what it is that they and I know, understand and believe it also intrigues me so, why people are so quick to anger, especially bout such little things I have asked others why it is so but they cant answer me, but I can not answer myself when asked why I am lazy, though I have come to know that the why is not so important, as to how you deal with it when you find out such facts, and what is done to change the fact,, and become the opposite of what is negative in oneself, what ever is the opposite of laziness is what I need to find and cultivate more of, possibly a schedule to align clear and educate my mind such as one would have at a monastery, strict punishment and DISCIPLINE, I need to be quick to dispel the negative and produce positive, I’ve come to realise that when people scream at me I tend to just ignore and automatically shutoff myself off from them, no life is hard or easy, but necessary no action is negative or positive, for each can be seen as its opposite depending upon how an individual feels he or she benefits, or loses from the situation, even though when loss has occurred it is commonly seen as negative but what have you really lost

Share

28 January 2004 9:45 AM

sitting upon a chair under the same sky as, but where have you been, who and what have you seen is what we want truly what we need so many people I walk by what are you feeling, are you happy or sad are you feeling happy or sad are you in pain what’s your shame does your mouth need exercise does your soul want to be set free this sun comes and goes but how many realise what we need and what we want is empty and hollow how society is very shallow a silhouette in the sand a grain in my mind with truth beyond this pen in my hand just skin and bone I wonder what do your senses realise do you see the truth or do you see what you want to see what makes you happy what helps you sleep at night

Share

23 January 2004 10:50 AM

AM it’s a funny world we live, sometimes I feel so high and then sometimes so low, sometimes I feel lonely and sometimes I feel so crowded, sometimes I feel I need nobody, sometimes I feel I just need to hold someone I myself don’t make sense of myself how can I make sense of the world, all I know is that I cant wait to go overseas, it will be so good to be truly on my own with few belongings and no commitments at all here to hold me be back, I’ve been alright lately but still so damn lazy n I don’t know y, sometimes I feel like I miss so much but maybe its just the idea or connection or contact or someone close to talk to sometimes I just don’t know, what the hell is going on if there were some certainties in life some things in which one could count upon in life to judge or to know what is and what isn’t, a path clearly laid out or some sense of direction, I know I must go overseas but for what reason, what purpose what will be gained and what will be lost, what will grow and what will die inside me these r things which would ease my mind, also having given up drinking has been good, n seeing as I cant go OS till the end of the year it pains me but I know it will be for the best as these seem to pan out so, I wish I had some place to belong, I think this is my biggest problem, no structure or routine with little practise and push, it will certainly test me this year and may be necessary to be done and accomplished before not only the year but also my life and trip, I also try to rush everything, and need instant result of action other wise I lose my way quickly n to easily I am so weak, so small,………………………………........................................................................

Share

THE HORROR

, what a night with Micro absolutely off my head going to several brothels and going to see one lady which started all well but ended with the second most painful thing in my life as she poured something all over me which burnt the hell out of me I think it was menthol or something and it hurt so so so so much now that’s karma and we stayed at his brothers tattoo shop all day drinking and then to another bar and then the brothels and then for dinner somewhere and then back home what a night with 2 bottles of Samsong and one little one, it’s the most pissed for a while.

Share

3 January 2004 5:19 AM

another has just past and again I still feel like I haven’t moved, i’m still a little weak, lazy boy lost in the big bad woods where i’m afraid of everything, how f*&%ed is that at my age, and I still haven’t changed or grown enough to live on my own, I need to leave not only to be upon my own, but to put myself in a situation where all I have is myself to depend upon, and survive, I wish there was some kinda crash course in life, or some way to increase the speed of some aspects of life and slow others down, how can I be of help if I cant even help myself, I just cant believe how weak I am, and plan on giving up drugs till I figure my head out, and hopefully do a fair amount of reading over the next few days and weeks, and go on a small trip away from every thing for a couple of days, and not drink but be away with myself and do some thinking and reading and meditation

Share