17 April 2004

the tenth and last night and finally got to speak to people which was really interesting, everyone is along the same lines but seem to have done this before, also have the room to myself looking forward to home again but cant wait to travel to Thai everyone is saying go, so i’m looking forward to that and it will be so good.

“THE END”

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16 April 2004

the ninth night very good meditation again, starting to get back to Mondays effort but very good ideas, focus upon pain and feelings as meditation object and everything will be fine for dreams just remember the five precepts which will be very good, but many ideas for cd’s, exhibition and Soygal Riponche again I will have to read, and read all of my books over and over every good day but looking forward to getting back home, but I have to practice more and realise the practice and dhamma with every action thought and breath

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15 April 2004

the eighth night, a very good day I got to speak to Ajahn Kalyano which was very calming and reassuring but I need to practice more and more tolerant and wiser

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14 April 2004

the seventh night, it has been very good here to just be quite without the distractions of the world, and it can also be tough, and even scary sometimes but when one brings it all back to metta and meditation it makes it easier to deal with and able for one to get to the bottom of a problem and let go of heaps of rubbish, getting to know suffering, and what causes it, then let go of these causes, find the truth, know the experience

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13 April 2004

the sixth night and its very good, the hardest part these days is I guess the boredom, and not having any distractions which is a lot harder than I thought it would be not talking to any friends family or TV, books or news, I have no idea what’s happened in the world but there have been more people arriving and there’s to be more over the next few days, which will be nice, didn’t finish my questions though not happy and meditation not as good as yesterday but hard to live up to I guess looking forwards to meditation tomorrow quite happy but still afraid

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12 April 2004

the fifth night very good meditation, was very successful but a little sad to see so many go some very good breakthroughs, I think my fear of death has actually nothing to do with death at all but people

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11 April 2004

the fourth night and had a bad half of the day with tiredness and soreness but I’ve moved to using the chair which is just as good, but the tiredness is a lot more troublesome and its quite full on having the same routine each day same time and such, though today has been full of more smiles peace and happiness, thou I fear some bad may arise and i’m beginning to learn what my attachments are which is people maybe my fear of death is the loss of those, I love and care for, and even just human beings in general.

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10 April 2004

the third day feeling very good apart from my back and the cold that I came down with yesterday, coughing, sneezing and runny nose, having been sick for a year and what happens when I need the least but i’m starting to get a lot more relaxed though having weird dreams, where a couple of women here in which I fear the worst for one, who looks rather ill and may have cancer or something similar the weather has been quite good but its so dry here the grass seems to be the most damaged by this. I dreamt of a large snake which was chasing me, which looked quite scary and mean, and seemed to diminish in size greatly as it got nearer. The third night and feeling very good, but ,y sinus’s are blocked really bad, had a very good meditation late at night, with short moments of bliss and a bit astral which was good, i’m glad i’m doing the ten days and not just four that would be to easy, feel a few break throughs are on the way, I hope if they come but it has been a very good experience with little talk, no TV or beer, and no judging very positive and very peaceful very relaxing, hard I think to go back

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9 April 2004

the second night and it’s a lot more tiring than you would think, waking up so early and then sitting for so long, I realise how restless I can be and that the biggest obstacle would be the boredom, doing the same thing each day over and over again, and not going out with friends and family though its good being around so many people and yet still able to have time on your own though unusual to be, no talking with so many people around, and only hearing the monks voice among over sixty people in one room.
“There is no trouble only which arises in your mind”
“Desire is a bottomless pit”

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8 April 2004 #Special edition From Anglesea with the Venerable Ajahn Kalyano#

first night and i’m already sore, my back is aching from the drive but it wasn’t to bad having Julie along for the ride and someone to talk to who is on a similar wavelength. You can already feel the positive energy in the whole place where everyone is after the same thing, my head aches from the city shit, cars and money how you can love it, the fumes of greed and negative all the love and care are not relative

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6 April 2004

how long will it take for our species to wake and see the truth, and evidence that rides upon the wave of our ignorance, and just plain old stupidity, and arrogance, sometimes I feel such love and frustration, as I see the pain and joy human beings are capable of, we are a collective conscience that is suffering like a diseased plant as each leave falls the next just follows without question or thought, all we need is love which cant be said enough, are people so blind that they don’t see the pain they cause from thinking only of the self, and that all you have to do is give, give and you will receive, there is a balance which has to be maintained, but one should not give to get, but give and politely return what one has to those who need it more, I wish for no being to suffer, especially by my own hands, as we are all connected, sometimes I feel such pain, when I see others suffering, and cant but help think that we are all in this together yet people still feel that they have to be first, or have the most and best, that doesn’t mean anything in the whole world, what good is it when we die and we had a fast car or big house, it doesn’t count what you took, but what you give, I feel I want to give my heart to every one I see so that they may understand that so much of this world is empty, all you have to realise is what the truth truly is, and not what you want it to be, you don’t even have to understand, just be aware of what is around, we live a life that is constantly about pushing death aside so that we ignore and forget about it so that we don’t have to deal with it, thou sometimes I find myself afraid and hesitant of letting go of it all, and just giving myself completely to it all, i’m more afraid of what is on the other side, and that it’s the end, just no more, I am also intrigued thou, but i’m in no hurry to find out, I have so much I want to do, and people to help, sometimes I wish I could fast forward and rewind.

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3 April 2004

another day gone, work, done and nothing left but to sleep, my fear of death has grown exponentially and I cant but help feel what’s the point, and that it will be all over soon, and why is it so hard for people to love, and why are they so quick to anger,

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