22 August 2004 10:16 AM

its certainly an interesting universe we occupy, what is real, why do we “need” a TV or a big house, and a fast car, why do people keep updating everything even thou its not broken, why do we “need” so many TVs in our house, watching other people act out fake lives in stories made up from people watching other people in their life, what difference does it make what name is on our clothing, and who made our car, if people weren’t so afraid and had such small esteem, there would no need to buy new things,

Violent Femmes - Good Feeling Lyrics
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Dear lady there's so many things
That I have come to fear
Little voice says I'm going crazy
To see all my worlds disappear
Vague sketch of a fantasy
Laughing at the sunrise
Like he's been up all night
ooo slippin and slidin
What a good time but now
Have to find a bed
That can take this wait
Good feeing
Won’t you say stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I know the other one
Just a little too well
Oh dear lady
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
y'know it always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer


Last Goodbye Lyrics (J. Buckley)
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

This is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please, Kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know, it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe... you didn't know him at all."

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that, "it's over... it's over..."

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21 August 2004 8:10 AM

what a weird world we live, what is real, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, this question has dogged for years, for as long as I can remember I have always had this question pounding the inside of my head, squeezing my heart, bashing my mind, weakening my self control, berating my faith, alone in this world, but still a feeling of connection, something in common with all the other souls in the universe,

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14 August 2004 12:00 PM

I’m not looking for paradise, this can only exist within your own mind, a perception of what one thinks is beautiful or perfect, it can only exist in your mind, this also goes for hell, a perception of what you think is negative, the world is as it is, neither heaven or hell, but already both, to be, the same as any other sense, its just a perception what the mind has created to relate and interact and protect itself, sound is nothing but vibrations through the air, sight is nothing but reflected light waves through the air, taste and smell are nothing but chemicals rolling over the tongue or through the nostrils, the tongue doesn’t know what tastes nice, your nose doesn’t know what smells nice, the ears don’t know what sounds nice, your eyes don’t know what looks nice, your tongue, nose, ears and eyes don’t know what you like, it all exists in your mind, touch is nothing but pressure, and all pain is one of these senses being overloaded, that’s all it doesn’t know that it hurts, your skin doesn’t know what’s harmful, these are just perceptions in the minds that decipher beneficial, and non-beneficial, a choice, the same as desire, and aversion, both occur through craving, one to have more of and one to lessen, as we feed one, and starve the other, the craving only strengthens, if I can win here, I have won, no matter where I am in the world, but the mind is a bloody stubborn, weak, stupid, selfish, scared thing that doesn’t wish to let go of the pile of shit it has latched on to, there is better, and there is worse, depending on your state of mind, it’s a constant battle, day in day out, every person has the ability to be great, and beautiful, and each individual has the ability to perform grievous bodily harm, but somewhere between our ears there’s something that makes a choice to be one or the other, or somewhere in the middle, but its so easy to be just selfish weak, etc, but there is little satisfaction here which is why they often escalate, but to do one good deed, can benefit greatly and produce satisfaction for the mind and body I don’t understand why the mind still feed on the other, even though it can flip quicker than any measurement of time, always thinking he opposite of what you are doing, but metta bhawana can change this, it is the only method I have to work, to actually change the way I think, without having to think, which brings up so much joy because I can finally realise that there is a path to freedom, it bloody easy, but then there would be no point, it’s the hardest thing anyone can do which is why so few try and even fewer achieve, but I’ve found I no longer have a choice, without it I can no longer survive, there would be no more happiness because there would be nothing but emptiness but I now know there is something more for sure, I always had an indication, a feeling a sense of there being more than what I can see, but its so hard to prove to yourself, but our soul has to come from somewhere and its bot born, so it doesn’t die, just as all the chemicals in the world will never die, they just transform into what ever there karma has in store for them, I know I have done so many things wrong in the past, but by continuing on this path, and only this path, can I diminish there effects, and increase the positive

“Where Is The Love?” Blackeyed Peas
What's wrong with the world, mamaPeople livin' like they ain't got no mamasI think the whole world addicted to the dramaOnly attracted to things that'll bring you traumaOverseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorismBut we still got terrorists here livin'In the USA, the big CIAThe Bloods and The Crips and the KKKBut if you only have love for your own raceThen you only leave space to discriminateAnd to discriminate only generates hateAnd when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeahMadness is what you demonstrateAnd that's exactly how anger works and operatesMan, you gotta have love just to set it straightTake control of your mind and meditateLet your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'allPeople killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveIt just ain't the same, always unchangedNew days are strange, is the world insaneIf love and peace is so strongWhy are there pieces of love that don't belongNations droppin' bombsChemical gasses fillin' lungs of little onesWith ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die youngSo ask yourself is the lovin' really goneSo I could ask myself really what is goin' wrongIn this world that we livin' in people keep on givin inMakin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividendsNot respectin' each other, deny thy brotherA war is goin' on but the reason's undercoverThe truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rugIf you never know truth then you never know loveWhere's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveI feel the weight of the world on my shoulderAs I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colderMost of us only care about money makin'Selfishness got us followin' our wrong directionWrong information always shown by the mediaNegative images is the main criteriaInfecting the young minds faster than bacteriaKids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo', whatever happened to the values of humanityWhatever happened to the fairness in equalityInstead of spreading love were spreading animosityLack of understanding, leading lives away from unityThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' underThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' downThere's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' underGotta keep my faith alive till love is foundNow ask yourselfWhere is the love? Where is the love?Where is the love? Where is the love?People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)

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6 August 2004 8:17 PM

a moment before work once again, and rather tired with little sleep, and a little stuff to do, but this is the calm before the storm, and one should always be one with time, and take heed of the current moment, and just be, though not easy, but very beneficial, it seems that everything is bipolar, and of course cant exist otherwise, but if we were able to melt the east and west, north and south, then there would be one under heaven, a perfect ying yang, which would propel the this race a thousand times faster into the future, and would even allow the feeble use of our minds to become a lot more efficient and all encompassing, I’ve also realised two of the worst ever moments in an individuals life, one involves the first realization of one mortality, and the other involves the idea that one is not loved, the most amazing moment in ones life is the realization that one is loved, and to truly believe it, which isn’t just about the environment one is in, but wether one believes it is up to the individual, and one can only see the truth with thine third eye, in which meditation is the only way to uncover, and to also control and train the mind, so that we are not at its manipulation, as many people act first without analysis, the best one individual can do is to realize when and why an emotion has arisen, and catch it before we act so hastily, and the best way to minimize hatred, and racism, is get people of different cultures to mingle as much as possible, there they then see they are no different, and are after the same thing as they are, I also find my self enjoying more and more of everything, my tolerance is higher, my appreciation is higher, my mind is more open, this may be due to meditation, but unfortunately most of the aging population are travelling in the opposite direction, and are enjoying less and less, and still stick to the same music or movies that they grew up with which is such a real shame because there is so much art out there they miss, and who is anyone to judge, especially art, which is so subject, and meant to produce a reaction, the problem is most people don’t question it and just shut it out, how hard is it to ask one self why don’t I like, and the same works for the opposite, what is it about the art that I do like, why do I like it, I think, well for me art is about an expression of an emotion or emotions which an individual is trying to express the best, and often the only way they can, so how can people judge what they are feeling, and how the feel to express it, unless your just judging the art on practical, and technical areas but who does that any way, most people wouldn’t even know how to write a song, or paint a picture, which damn bloody hard, which is maybe also why i’m more appreciative of art in general because I am an artist and know how hard it is to find what it is exactly your trying to express, all forms have its place upon society, and certainly need to classified to protect those of an innocent age, but art needs to be pushing the boundaries, it there is also a need for the elite artists such tenors which are just gifted, is it really a talent when your born with it, isn’t a talent something you work at and perfect, if your born with it, its just to easy, I dunno maybe that’s just me, but how can you claim it, particularly when it comes to singers, its not as thou they had to do anything to gain such a voice, not like painters, musicians, or sculptors, to write a symphony like Beethoven, to create I think is the ultimate talent, that’s what it is in a nutshell I guess, such as painters who take a blank canvas, or sculptors who take a lump of rock, and turn it into art, these along with those who save lives and decreases the suffering of others should be heralded as the elite of society and should be famous, not actors what do they do for anyone, make a movie with money, I can do it in my backyard, but I could never save a dying being, I hope thou one day that thru other means that I can alleviate some suffering, of the mind, which I think is just as important, for I’ve had my battle in my time, and the worst of them where in my own damn head, there is nothing anyone has done in this world to harm as much as I have harmed myself, and what’s worse is the effect it has upon the people in my environment, I once thought I could get around without affecting anyone, and just glide over this world like a butterfly and no one would notice, but for better or worse, no one can, we are all in this together, and should support each other together, its so simple in theory, but if people didn’t have an ego, and weren’t so judgemental, it would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier to get along, if people just said what they felt, with no attachments, and people where able to take without judgment, if someone’s not smart then they can read more, or if I can do maths like my dad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it a bloody fact people don’t so egotistical and think that there putting you down, its not the end of the world if you a little overweight, not as smart as someone else, it just is, people are so hung up on being judge, who cares your not better or worse and where not the same, it would like a big tree putting shit on smaller tree, who the hell cares, just love one another, if every one had compassion and love for all beings, we would need bombs and guns, or police or even governments in there current form, just organisers, or leaders, and how can a country of 20million be run by just one, this is not logical, it would be good if we all had the same laws, and currency, there is so much segregation based upon whose on a piece of paper and what number it has on it, and what piece of dirt you were born, and what piece of dirt your enemy is born, your made from the same piece of clay as they say, if there was one all omnipresent being who created all these beings, do you really think that he would really want anything to die, or be killed, no way, for to create such life involves love and compassion, not a bloody jihad, or anything, even thou many wars and millions of people have died for their religion, not there god as they would want you to believe, a being that created the whole universe would love all under heaven as equal, irrelevant of the pigment of your skin, what a hoax.
There’s a beauty that resonates thru everything that is beyond the power of the pen, this is beauty, the same as truth, anything in its purest form cannot be expressed in any language, whether great feats of human endurance, or acts of terror,


“I don’t fear none of my enemies, and I don’t fear bullets from uzies, I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these, that make you fall to your knees, and that’s my anxiety’s, sane and the insane rivalry, paranoia has bout me to my knees, lord please please please take away my anxiety”
Black Eyed Peas


Made of dust and grim,
The red rust won’t cost you a dime,
Fall upon the ground from the sky,
With a son would you still lie?
What would you do if you knew the truth?
How could you take what you do?
You’re so concerned with yourself,
These blows only affect our wealth,
If you only could love a little more,
Through the light through the door,
Red is all you see,
Hate is all you will be,
To be free is the only way to live,
A tree can only grow from what you give,
So how do you expect to be right?
When you only have revenge in sight.

It can make you do some strange things,
Good and bad no one knows what it brings,
Nothing better than just lying by one side,
Naked in the mind nothing to hide,
There is nothing but to be,
If not blinded its easy to see,
What’s there what’s real?
Many get lost and unsure how they feel,
Afraid to be honest afraid to say,
Calm is best, calm wont betray,
It will never be until it’s lost,
Down upon a drain in the frost,
Arriving from the cold cold night,
And all you want to do is hold hold all night,
The answer is there shining in our face,
But too afraid to let go and feel the empty space,
Must melt away the ego and feel the truth
Hard in age remember your youth,

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1 August 2004 9:46 AM

AM only three months to go and just thinking about it sends shivers through my body, so exciting, i’m ready to go now, but I want to wait a little more just to build it a bit, and I don’t even care about uni any more, all I really care about doing is being in a position to help those who need it, those who don’t have the money to afford what ever it is I can provide, wether it be in photography or psychology, i’m not interesting any more in gaining money, or my own house, or even a relationship, all those things have become secondary, as I know there all nice things of course, but they don’t bring lasting fulfilment or happiness, this has to come from within, with a certain contentment with where one is at the moment, and not looking beyond what one has, or may want next, anything can be updated, exchanged, or replaced, but it if it accomplished your basic needs what difference does it matter how big your TV is or how many rooms in your house


In the end, I will send,
All my love to all, like a soft snow fall,
So gentle and calm, to land upon your arm,
While at first you won’t even notice,
To blossom in you like a lotus,
The beauty which will take a second to feel,
But all you will want to do is give and never steal,
Like the sun fills every corner with heat,
You will drop to your seat,
And remember the sweet,
Nothing could delete,
The feeling from within,
As your mouth will grin,
Without any effort at all,
Able to fill a large hall,
Or even more, forget the race bore,
We all need to take a little more within,
Just to sit and do nothing is not a sin,
Listen to your heart,
Your mind isn’t smart,
Love will conquer all hate,
It’s not worth the state,
Your children will take,
Have a look at what is really at stake,
Don’t be blinded by what you main gain today,
Let your children have a say,
We only have one world to love,
We can fit nicely within one glove,
What will come, and what is real,
Need not worry just notice how you feel,
Allow your understanding to grow,

another day gone in 2004, another 24 hours closer to 2005, I can feel still feel so low, and high sometimes that i’m about to cry in both instances, my fear seems to be delude a little, but maybe i’m just more deluded, a certain kind of brainwashing, upon myself, by myself very genius if you ask me, but I find evidence in each second I breath, in out, in out, very soothing to just watch the breath, and yet so basic, its amazing how simplicity seems to work, maybe just the old theory of chaos and order, but not the other way in this instance, for simplicity never needs complexity to solve, but more simplicity, who knows, but when it comes to cooking its always better to put less in of something then over doing it, you can always add a little latter, but you can never reverse the situation, I am becoming more peaceful, and a guy said in a shop the other day that I looked centred, what does this mean, how does one look, or appear centred, is this reflected in the face, or maybe the eyes, which I find the most fascinating, but have the most trouble looking at in person, but a photo I could look at all day, but its never the same, photos and painting don’t even come close to being there, the same goes for movies, you don’t have the smells or natural sounds of life, recorded sound is so fake, all sound is are waves of vibration, how can vibrations cause such discomfort in people not including ones of extreme volume thou of course, and people keep trying to give me stuff I don’t need, granted I took them in the past but now they seem so empty, and unfulfilling, the more you feed craving the stronger they get, and the more they take a hold of your weak and stupid mind, it would have been so much easier and painless if someone sat you down at about 5 or 6 and said this is how it is, maybe not as fulfilling, maybe because we need to know the why of everything, even when someone tells you not to do something you want to do it just to know why not to do it, may be if everyone was more concerned with what we can do and not with what we cant do then it wouldn’t be an issue, I think some things work backwards round this planet, or maybe i’m backwards, my ideas often conflict with this society, which has an unbelievable amount of misplaced power, it also helps you to find the boundaries quicker when you do wrong

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