SUNDOWN GULP

sitting in the shop on my birthday drinking at 3 after another scare just relaxing and trying to be in the moment writing about the past and wondering what’s going to happen next nothing really to gain or loose but just live and do and carry on I am in such a conflict most of the time with myself and end up taking it out on someone else but I keep asking myself what about that there’s only a problem if there’s a solution I just don’t know what to do so I will do nothing and just wait soon this will pass and my only happiness which I can rely on is my own, and just be happy i’m alive and to suffer a little more with what ever I can I wish for nothing and need very little and my own judgement of the situation is what is bringing me down, so what can I do, I wish for simplicity and all I get is complexity, nothing has turned out how I thought it would, and everything just keeps going up and down, like a roller coaster in my head and heart, I just don’t know what to do anymore, it has not been easy, sometimes I just want to walk away, sometimes run, but then you get nowhere.

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UP DOWN LEVEL

what a crazy week, its been so many ups and downs arguments and misunderstandings and we still come back together and who knows what will happen next everything gets more and more crazy having stayed in this country for so long it all feels so normal now its no longer the same surprised around the corner of these streets but of my life its no longer a surprise the area and I still love this place no matter how much I loose but really what have I lost and there’s so much freedom and you can have what ever you want and I seem to be meeting more and more people that are so closely connected if I stay here I could know everyone soon, its just a matter of time really but I still have so much to learn the more I know the more I want to learn hopefully I can stay here for a long time I don’t wanna go home yet, its been the biggest learning experience of my life.

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CRAVING SIMPLICITY

what a crazy world I live in seeing how people actually live from day to day and hearing there troubles and how they cope then watching myself and how I cope is really awakening with such highs and lows friends and family and even a few enemies along the way I really respect how Micro deals with different situations and its also interesting to see how my life has/ is turning out and the things I’ve seen and done and experienced is really amazing sometimes you just want to cry or laugh and just give up but what really, what difference does it make when you realise nothing really matters and that there is no right or wrong, good or bad there is just life and that which comes with it and you cant get to happy/ sad because really its all the same shit anyway so why stress or even bother just be accept let in relax and watch the breath live now and basically I’ve become a pimp and am living the good life of not having to work, I can see now why they do it its so easy and you get money for nothing and everything paid for and you live the good life but its only ever for a little while and can quickly and easily turn bad as well.

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HOME HOME HOME

Patong, warm>>>>hot, its good to be home a little nervous as usual and a lot poorer than planned buts its still good and I’ve even made a place a little better thou it was only money that I gave and maybe even just a little hope as well but it does feel good to have done some good and I don’t really need the money anyway, just as long as I can get home that’s all then work for six or 7 months get cashed up and come back and if I have enough maybe even buy a house I love Thailand too much to not at least live here for a while and it feels good to know that I’ve helped the people here and made it a little better i’m very tired thou and i’m so over travelling at the moment plus I’ve got no money left and am relying upon the fact that ill get a job and get some cash then I can stay for as long as possible even thou its good to be home a lot has changed since the last time I was here but its still home it hasn’t changed that much, death is only feared and seen as negative because of our attachment and belief that it will bring us lasting happiness.

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