30 May 2004 8:24 AM

here I am again, how are ya, not bad thanks, that’s good, I still have trouble understanding why people are so quick to anger, and hold onto it, and I’ve also had enough of pop culture, while i’m here I might as well tell it like it is, why do people get so sucked into the crap, is it because they don’t want to deal with the reality that it will all soon be over, so that they have to fill there lives with so much shit that they really don’t have time to, even thou that’s a choice somewhere along the line, I must admit it isn’t the easiest thing to do, everyone seems to say that they know this and that means jack, and yet they still go and choose to live their life the same way, how does that work, I keep thinking why are you working, why are trying to buy a house, why do you want a new car, why do you want that new phone, or sandwich maker, or new small knick knacks on the TV, or that new piece of clothing, its all such a load of rubbish, and then I wonder, everyone is so worried about what others are thinking about them, no one actually has time to think about what others are doing anyway, so its such a load of rubbish, and i’m getting so sick of it all, everything in western society is hypocritical, they say one thing and do another why, or is the mind that amazing, and good at deceiving, I know what ajahn bramavamso would say, and that’s just a straight out yes, though I still have that fear that can strike you down anywhere and cut through like a hot butter knife, which I may never be able to fully cover, but I will worry bout that later, for now I have to practice more, and finish uni and save my cash for my trip to Thai in about six months, I will be booking my holiday, or salvation homecoming in about a month or two, so I would like to pay off my credit card before I go also which would mean I have nothing keeping me here, or there and I can go anywhere, it would make it so much easier if I knew what my purpose was, cause then I could get busy doing that straight away and stop wasting my time if that’s what i’m doing now but who is to know such things ay, but one day I will know and hopefully its not to late, so that i’m able to fully perform to the best of my abilities, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if you never new like the animals, but maybe they do know when its going to happen and just accept it, but how do they do it, they have fear and anger also, and yet you never see an animal struck down by depression or such problems, or do they have a better understanding than what we do of the way things work, with life and such things in which we waste so much of our time doing when it means nothing in the end, why do people work there whole lives doing things they hate, just to spend there time drinking on the weekend, and then spending all there week doing shit they hate, please explain…………………….! Why why why, it don’t make no sense, maybe cause its because i’m young I don’t know, there is so much I don’t understand, so so so so much, and will not even learn one billionth of what there is to know in this universe, or maybe its not about the quantity but the quality of what I know, maybe this is why i’m am to be a monk to know what needs to be known, not just useless information that runs round the world, and that drugs are even a bandaid, there not even a light covering bandage, for a gaping wound, but just some king of time delay, it still does kinda freak me out that it will happen to me in the end, cause I’ve known nothing else, so its not alright but you can accept it so much easier when its someone else, but when you think about your own its quite daunting, and just the fear of it being the absolute darkness, and the end, but who knows till you give it a go yourself, that’s why sometimes I think I should wish for a real painful end so that i’m more willing to go on to the next transformation, but then I think about you should be careful of what you wish for cause it never seems to go right or be what you expect, and no doubt that living in constant debilitating pain would not be easy, but would be a good test for the mind to separate itself, and realize that when you are actually in pain, its never your mind that hurts or feels, but its only your body that actually suffers, is really an interesting point that has just come to my attention, especially since I had such an amazing meditation experience when I felt so ill that I thought I was going to be sick, because of the pain I felt in my ass from my meditation stool, that I just had to quit, normally I give up long before that, maybe i’m pushing my body more and more, maybe over the limit but it is a good experience, even though I know Buddha said it was unnecessary to push the body but I find some comfort in being able to have more control over the body even thou we really have very little control in the first place, I have so many questions, but they will be answered in good time, and hopefully I’m able to deal with the reality, and even able to recognise it when it arises but soon, very soon,…………………………………………

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29 May 2004 8:34 AM

AM yet closer to my departure to home, and I find myself coming closer to the final judgment, and I realise that happiness isn’t in the world I’m living in at the moment, without meditation, and the following the path set forth by the great noble awakened and enlightened one the great Buddha, who I would have loved to meet, thou I will wish to meet an enlightened being, or an arhant, which would be an amazing experience, and depression seems to becoming the biggest sickness in the world, well the western one any way, probably due its capitalist ideal, and money worshipping which wish to escape ASAP, but it can come from anything, or arrive anytime, anywhere, having suffered a couple of bouts, thou Buddha named it samvega, which was so bad that I felt I couldn’t go on, the first week was bad, and then the second week, was a hundreds times worse, unable to eat or sleep, with so much fear and anxiety I’ve felt only once or twice before when I was ten and 17, now 24, thou 23 when the last bout occurred, struck with such an overwhelming flood of emotions that sucked me down into an abyss that was complete darkness all around, and only could see the light again thanks to “big Russ”, and the venerable Bhante Thitinyana, who not only calmed me, but grabbed me from the falling branch and just held me there so I could gain my balance and stand up again, so that I could breathe and stop my self from screaming, a whole week, from were I couldn’t sleep, or eat, and with such an anxiety that I was nauseous and vomiting, and had such a huge blockage in my chest, as thou a watermelon was trying to burst out through my throat and couldn’t move on my own, and all I kept feeling was that I needed to cry and just release and relax a bit more and just calm down and stop hyperventilating so I could stop for a second and think a new thought, which had been a while, just the one word over and over again can get so boring, but so fearful and painful, and then meeting ajahn kalyano, and then ajahn bramavamso, they saved my life, and have made me consider my future in monastic life even more, its always been in the back of mind, even thou during high school it was more about being a brother thou, due to the influence of the school of course, thou once I left and was able to discover my own path, becoming a monk has always been a constant rock in every path I walk along, not big enough to be a wall and inhibit what ever I was doing at that moment but enough of a bump in the road to remind, and yet unlike most other things, I don’t fully grasp what it actually is that I feel, to even consider not only a monastic life but to have found such a religion which hardly anybody has even known, let alone read a book upon, I’ve always considered my self different and have never known why, maybe this has something to do with it, maybe I was a monk in a past life, or even just a follower, and that in this life I am to become one, but I can finally see what Buddha was trying to explain to the world, and also don’t understand why people who have read and discovered his teachings, that they also don’t follow, it just seems so obvious to me as soon as I read the first few pages of a book upon his life and teachings everything began to click and fall in place, maybe because I’ve heard it before, or maybe because it’s the truth in all its glory, with no polish, or décor to cover the “ugliness” which westerners are reluctant to talk about, but really in the end who is to say what will happen, but what ever happens was already in the works so to speak, maybe I have some other purpose but I will certainly be doing retreats each year for the rest of my life, my annual medicine, just like the flu shot, thou I have many mistakes in the past due to my ignorance and misunderstandings

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26 May 2004

just another six months to go until I can go overseas, and for salvation, even thou its probably not an essential thing, or it maybe, depending on if I comeback, from my home to my new home, it almost feels like i’m igniting an old flame, while this I use to light my way to the old and continue upon my path which I was distracted from for so long, but I also almost wish for bad things to occur, because no matter what has happened I have gained great insight from, almost as thou they are all planned in advance for me to become the person I will end up becoming, and I can feel my faith and hope, and refuge is growing at a great pace, the more and more I meditate and listen to dhamma talks the more I feel its truth, its no longer about knowing but just feeling and being, and after going on a one day retreat and listening to a few talks at the bsv by ajahn brahmavamso, another disciple of ajahn chah, who must have been the most amazing monk, I wish I had had the chance to meet him, and listen to him in person, even thou he didn’t speak English, it would have been an awesome experience, but I hope to find another teacher who may already be in this country, but I still feel I must return home first and travel for a while before I try the life of a monastic, if i’m aloud, or accepted, depending upon how I will cope, but I will give it another go in a month for a few days on my own, and no food at the end of my exams, just as another test and experience to learn from hopefully I can find a nice place upon my own, which should be easy seeing as its winter and hardly anyone travels to the beach then, but it will be good to get away from everything again for a couple of days, maybe 4 or 5 days which will be really good, even thou it was the original idea which I had wanted to do earlier but a samvega incident arose so I had to deter my plans for a while but that will make this experience a lot better, but sometimes I feel my meditation has become stagnant as I always just attain the same level, and i’m unable to arise above it, but I try to not focus upon anything but the breath and just relax, sometimes I get frustrated when the constant chatter doesn’t leave, but I do find some moments of just peace and bliss which is why I continue but also because it helps with many other aspects also which is very helpful, I still cant wait till the end of the year thou, if I could find out my exam timetable that would be so helpful now cause I could plan stuff……………………………….......soon I will be home………………………………..
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.

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14 May 2004

its almost half way in the year already and I find myself already trying to slow down time as much as possible even though I’m really looking forward to the end of the year to travel, and it has been a very interesting couple of months, having gone upon the ten day meditation retreat with ajahn kalyano, which was so amazing, and so inspiring to follow, and go to Thailand to live for a while I hope, which will be such a test and growth for me, and to just push through what ever issues arise, that I can face them head on, and that I can find peace within myself and help others, I will probably cut off as much as I can from here, and cancel what ever has to be done, and finally finish uni, though I cant also stop thinking about how my life will plan out, as I have finally got to a point where I can leave everything and go on my own for a while depending upon money, and getting a job, which would be so awesome to work and live in another country so different to my own, and with the same religion, faith or practice which ever you wish to label it, but i’m just trying to save and organise stuff and decide what I want to do, but I think I my future is clear, and that I cant but help think that i’m going back home to where I belong and with some people who live what I follow, which is a bit different, well in fact a hell of a lot different, but I know what has to be done, and when I get there I will decide what to do where to go, and live life the way it should be done, but I still have some work to do here before I can go and focus a lot more upon my meditation practice and make it a main priority I have so much to learn, and yet I really don’t have any goals but this

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