26 May 2004

just another six months to go until I can go overseas, and for salvation, even thou its probably not an essential thing, or it maybe, depending on if I comeback, from my home to my new home, it almost feels like i’m igniting an old flame, while this I use to light my way to the old and continue upon my path which I was distracted from for so long, but I also almost wish for bad things to occur, because no matter what has happened I have gained great insight from, almost as thou they are all planned in advance for me to become the person I will end up becoming, and I can feel my faith and hope, and refuge is growing at a great pace, the more and more I meditate and listen to dhamma talks the more I feel its truth, its no longer about knowing but just feeling and being, and after going on a one day retreat and listening to a few talks at the bsv by ajahn brahmavamso, another disciple of ajahn chah, who must have been the most amazing monk, I wish I had had the chance to meet him, and listen to him in person, even thou he didn’t speak English, it would have been an awesome experience, but I hope to find another teacher who may already be in this country, but I still feel I must return home first and travel for a while before I try the life of a monastic, if i’m aloud, or accepted, depending upon how I will cope, but I will give it another go in a month for a few days on my own, and no food at the end of my exams, just as another test and experience to learn from hopefully I can find a nice place upon my own, which should be easy seeing as its winter and hardly anyone travels to the beach then, but it will be good to get away from everything again for a couple of days, maybe 4 or 5 days which will be really good, even thou it was the original idea which I had wanted to do earlier but a samvega incident arose so I had to deter my plans for a while but that will make this experience a lot better, but sometimes I feel my meditation has become stagnant as I always just attain the same level, and i’m unable to arise above it, but I try to not focus upon anything but the breath and just relax, sometimes I get frustrated when the constant chatter doesn’t leave, but I do find some moments of just peace and bliss which is why I continue but also because it helps with many other aspects also which is very helpful, I still cant wait till the end of the year thou, if I could find out my exam timetable that would be so helpful now cause I could plan stuff……………………………….......soon I will be home………………………………..
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.

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