30 May 2004 8:24 AM

here I am again, how are ya, not bad thanks, that’s good, I still have trouble understanding why people are so quick to anger, and hold onto it, and I’ve also had enough of pop culture, while i’m here I might as well tell it like it is, why do people get so sucked into the crap, is it because they don’t want to deal with the reality that it will all soon be over, so that they have to fill there lives with so much shit that they really don’t have time to, even thou that’s a choice somewhere along the line, I must admit it isn’t the easiest thing to do, everyone seems to say that they know this and that means jack, and yet they still go and choose to live their life the same way, how does that work, I keep thinking why are you working, why are trying to buy a house, why do you want a new car, why do you want that new phone, or sandwich maker, or new small knick knacks on the TV, or that new piece of clothing, its all such a load of rubbish, and then I wonder, everyone is so worried about what others are thinking about them, no one actually has time to think about what others are doing anyway, so its such a load of rubbish, and i’m getting so sick of it all, everything in western society is hypocritical, they say one thing and do another why, or is the mind that amazing, and good at deceiving, I know what ajahn bramavamso would say, and that’s just a straight out yes, though I still have that fear that can strike you down anywhere and cut through like a hot butter knife, which I may never be able to fully cover, but I will worry bout that later, for now I have to practice more, and finish uni and save my cash for my trip to Thai in about six months, I will be booking my holiday, or salvation homecoming in about a month or two, so I would like to pay off my credit card before I go also which would mean I have nothing keeping me here, or there and I can go anywhere, it would make it so much easier if I knew what my purpose was, cause then I could get busy doing that straight away and stop wasting my time if that’s what i’m doing now but who is to know such things ay, but one day I will know and hopefully its not to late, so that i’m able to fully perform to the best of my abilities, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if you never new like the animals, but maybe they do know when its going to happen and just accept it, but how do they do it, they have fear and anger also, and yet you never see an animal struck down by depression or such problems, or do they have a better understanding than what we do of the way things work, with life and such things in which we waste so much of our time doing when it means nothing in the end, why do people work there whole lives doing things they hate, just to spend there time drinking on the weekend, and then spending all there week doing shit they hate, please explain…………………….! Why why why, it don’t make no sense, maybe cause its because i’m young I don’t know, there is so much I don’t understand, so so so so much, and will not even learn one billionth of what there is to know in this universe, or maybe its not about the quantity but the quality of what I know, maybe this is why i’m am to be a monk to know what needs to be known, not just useless information that runs round the world, and that drugs are even a bandaid, there not even a light covering bandage, for a gaping wound, but just some king of time delay, it still does kinda freak me out that it will happen to me in the end, cause I’ve known nothing else, so its not alright but you can accept it so much easier when its someone else, but when you think about your own its quite daunting, and just the fear of it being the absolute darkness, and the end, but who knows till you give it a go yourself, that’s why sometimes I think I should wish for a real painful end so that i’m more willing to go on to the next transformation, but then I think about you should be careful of what you wish for cause it never seems to go right or be what you expect, and no doubt that living in constant debilitating pain would not be easy, but would be a good test for the mind to separate itself, and realize that when you are actually in pain, its never your mind that hurts or feels, but its only your body that actually suffers, is really an interesting point that has just come to my attention, especially since I had such an amazing meditation experience when I felt so ill that I thought I was going to be sick, because of the pain I felt in my ass from my meditation stool, that I just had to quit, normally I give up long before that, maybe i’m pushing my body more and more, maybe over the limit but it is a good experience, even though I know Buddha said it was unnecessary to push the body but I find some comfort in being able to have more control over the body even thou we really have very little control in the first place, I have so many questions, but they will be answered in good time, and hopefully I’m able to deal with the reality, and even able to recognise it when it arises but soon, very soon,…………………………………………

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