TOMORROW IS EMPTY

i’m not so interested in what i’m going to be but just being, why get so caught up in tomorrow when you’ll haven’t even finished today I do have a wish to have children but i’m in no hurry at all, but I have noticed that my awareness is so much better since Ajahn Suphan i’m even surprised just knowing and being the watcher in the back seat as Bhante said, I have no feeling of wanting to return home just yet its also really fun learning another language and comparing I ti the only one I know I wouldn’t mind returning to a job thou now for a while any way i’m kinda over backpacking it is fun but I need a break for a while so I can pick up my learning a bit better and hopefully maybe even teach a little it has been nice to help others thou, and I really shouldn’t really worry because everything has gone better than I could have planned, so i’m not really worried and if worse comes to worse I’ll just go home and work for a while.

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LIFES FAMILY

it’s a very nice system, almost communism, in a democratic government but no one really seems to be doing much and as I’ve been drinking most of the time but they seem rather happy the whole time and its just nice to see that I can help even if its just money but its really weird to be in such a place with such poverty buts its also funny to know they still crave after the basics and they wanna go up and i’m happy going down it would be good to be able to speak thou, and I wouldn’t mind living here but not working hard and there such nice people and definitely love to party dance drink but I do love it here. I also see how vipassana is just acceptance of everything all at once and as soon as it arises you accept, as you accept you let it go and then you can become attached to it because it comes and goes you don’t identify because you see the impermanence, and our greatest teacher is suffering

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HELL OF A RIDE

its actually a very nice place here thou i’m surprised that there aren’t so many falang as I thought there would be and its been more of a spectacle especially when i’m walking around with a baby, but I still don’t wanna go home, but it will be good to work for a few months alone then get cashed up again which would be sweet unless I can get a sweet job in Patong but the people have been really nice, and keep trying to drink with my most cope but there’s always one that just doesn’t make it and its better to keep quiet that to speak to much but its been a hell of a ride but what the hell of an adventure.

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LIFE IS GOOD WHEN YOU DONT HAVE TO WORK

Buriram, warm, what a crazy M/F day/night meeting the family staying in an expensive hotel and drinking with the family and then having them playing cards in our room, off the F hook, its going a little fats a little out of hand, but it had to be done soon, guess just hope all parties are happy, it was a little stressing at first, but always fun and never felt to much dissin, but there good at hiding and I cant speak the language any way so who knows but I can tell the road ahead will have a few challenges along the way which will be interesting but it was a hell of a lot more than I expected they are funny people thou I think they place a lot of pressure thou and expectation which is a bit unfair but not out of the blue, there’s no such thing as good or bad in art but only peoples judgements.

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MY REFUGE

its very nice to know you have a refuge in this world anywhere you want, and that’s it in yourself this very nice to know that I alone have the power to deal with what ever shit goes down, good, or bad and that really I what is there to worry about it all ends some day there is no good or bad so what ever happens just happens but love will free us.

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EVERYTHING IS EMPTY

desire is form, and form is empty, people don’t see they are drawn into the emptiness and endlessness of form which has no lasting attributes people play so many games but I know I desire has no winner but itself, there are no winners only losers all I wish for is for all beings to be happy and free from desire from craving, only now do I truly see what desire and craving is, it is only form which is empty, desire is what creates form, I am done with no one but myself to help me, me alone no matter how many teachings I read or hear its up to me in the, I still see I am stick in this samsara all I see is suffering, I still miss my baby, why, all I see is suffering, all I want to do is free us from it, my ego is still stuck in this world of craving, the ego, what a waste of energy, I must speak from my heart, my path is neither easy or hard but necessary life will go on with or without me all I wish is to help those that need, and those I can I am no one but a servant of the great Buddha, I am but a simple vehicle for his teaching, I have a love for all beings, I can not guarantee I will always be there for Kim but she will always be looked after I know she has a beauty beyond words, I know she is the one I love and have loved before. When you let go of everything there is nothing left but the present moment because one has no attachment which is the end of suffering and the beginning of the present to just let go and realise that one doesn’t need anything because one is already had all one needs within oneself already a pure energy which survives upon its own without any need for any outside input, all beings have the same inner beauty its only the mind and its ego which disguise it and cause so much suffering.

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YOUR EGO IS TO BLAME

, it’s a shame there are so many schiesters in Bangers especially Khao San rd, it does ruin the image but I guess its part of the experience and I feel i’m getting close and am on the right track, this is all I know for sure, all I want to do is to be left alone in silence this is when I am happy, Andreaz said that the monks were running away and the more spiritual people were living in the world this is also possible for those who have gone beyond would seem so ordinary and not be noticed by the ego because the ego will be unable to get anything from them so why would it bother i’m not to sure exactly what i’m close to but it also doesn’t mean I’ll get there soon, or this lifetime, but I know i’m closer than I’ve ever been before, if I knew what the next stage was it would help or if I has a teacher or someone to talk to, this would be of great benefit, but I also know that a teacher can not exist without a student, and v/v so they go together, when you begin to watch the mind, you realise how fearful and fragile it is, and how long a process it will take for one to become in control of it, its amazing the culture that has been built up from mindlessness, particularly where I am where there are girls and bars everywhere and inturn, people getting totally heedless and spending a lot of time and money in the process is this just running away from there inner self, if they spent as much time of the inside we would be a lot more free maybe many of them are and that’s why there hear to relax.

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CHANGE IS OUR ONLY HOPE

Bangkok- Sanam Luang, warm if you continue to live in the past, the future will not change, why keep using old solutions for new situations, its no longer just a park I can see the life this park brings from scammers to homeless to people bringing food and supplies its no longer just an area of grass dirt trees, and concrete, once you just stay quiet and watch, you see so so much more, you can see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why does it always take catastrophe for people to bond together, and for people to suffer so much, to see the beauty in each moment, have you ever wondered why some periods in your life seem to go so fast and some slow, its because when you focus upon tomorrow you no longer are in the present moment which is timeless because you no longer think about past or future this is why when we get older each year seems to go faster because as children we don’t think about tomorrow but now and as we get older we worry we become fearful and we fill out lives with more shit that only increases our suffering , FUCKING STOP>>>>>>>>>>>> look inside watch for a moment what you are doing, truly listen to your heart because your mind is always trying to hide its true nature which is to love and to love what else matters, nothing else lasts but this pure energy so why bother with anything else

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WERE STILL THE SAME

Bangkok, Khao San Rd, hot, as I sit alone four stories high above the hustle and bustle of Khao San road, I realise I don’t need it any more, i’m not I hope reliant on it for fun and returning a little earlier than expected but with no money and no one to call I have little choice but to leave and the people don’t mind a good stare, fair enough a couple of looks but not just the whole time, and the kids seem so scared until you smile, wave or say hello, but i’m looking forward to meeting friends again, who I can relax with, i’m so close and to see my baby again will be really good.

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MONEY FOR ONE NIGHT ONE MEAL ONE TICKECT HOME

V/V, Aircon, having finally left L/B and in a decent hotel its good to be alone again, but it was very good, with Alan, Ivan, and Maximus, and leaving the waterfalls, the night market, and the temple, on the hill, its quite amazing how diff it is here and the women seem larger the bus today wasn’t to bad and I found a place easy but more than the other but much better maybe only 4 days here too, especially if I have no money seeing as money card is busted, but I notice how rats are a lot cleaner than us, and the only reason they survive, is because of our filth with no regard for our surroundings or other beings and we have the arrogance to assume where so high and mighty, so hopefully I can get some cash.

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BEAUTIFUL WATERFALLS< NO BEER,mmmmmmmmmmmmm

, Kwang XI waterfall, Luang Prabang, warm, i’m looking forward to coming home, its really nice here but very inconvenient, to get around, especially when ya used to the convenience of Thailand, but i’m looking forward to coming back to where everyone knows your name, the water is quite beautiful, the place is still quite dry, and the women seem a lot more chunky, and they seem so afraid, with such concerned faces, then you just wave or smile, or speak, to them then they light up like a Christmas tree but there are some absolutely beautiful women, here unbelievable, but no pro’s so far anyway, maybe in the city but don’t care anymore, i’m content will I have and don’t have

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HELLO WHERE ARE YOU

Luang Prabang, warm but nice, its quite a nice place but its to small and there’s to many tourists and all I notice there are so many in the bars here where are the Laos’s, I can see how this place mess’s with you or can because its so cheap, and there’s so much its easy to loose but I will leave in 2 days and stay v/v for a week then get back to my baby and my mission can begin, and Mr leng, went for a bike ride which was good, and to the top of a hill to a temple which was beautiful but too many tourists all waiting for the sunset and the children.

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LAOS

Mekong River (Muang Pakbeng), cold, very beautiful here, Laos but you can certainly see the difference between, here and there, the people are nice, nice but you know there just here to make money from us and then do quite well, the real purpose of life is different for everyone, so the answer will never be the same, apart from happiness and suffering, but I feel I have a purpose, but it will also change, as nothing is permanent.

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BORDERLINE

Chiang Khong, Mekong river, Thai/ Laos border, warm, sitting on the border drinking the cheapest beer, having a great time on my own, but I still miss my baby, its quite beautiful, though, but it just looks the same, but its nothing like the rest of Thai with an unusual mix, ----new/old/nature----------------- especially when trekking in Chiang Mai, where they are so poor but they have solar energy, and they live for the day,
--because you can always have a destination but you will never get there without focusing upon your next move, its so easy to feel naive, but each day we wake up were naive so why are we so surprised, I do enjoy it a lot here thou, maybe i’m just running away, but from what I don’t know, cause i’m so content to live here now, its weird, its like I’ve been here before, and the people seem to act a lot nicer, to me and to those I befriend, or who befriend me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do feel I do need to get back to the monastery thou I think I more aware each time of the suffering but I now have a purpose a destination, and object something else I’ve found worthwhile, which I know I can do the other good, but i’m not prepared to give it all up yet even thou there is some friction between it I can also tell now when there makin fun of the falang, either me or someone else, but I wish to learn to read, which would be very good, but the trek was good, with Sarj, Olivia, Richard, Rose, Joe, Erika, Narelle and Sylvia,

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EACH MOMENTS DIRTINESS

Chiang Mai, warm, it’s nice to be back in civilisation with people but you see more and more the dirtiness of the world and how strong the defilements are in each day.

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UNDER THE STARS

Chiang Mai, nice, exceptionally beautiful, place waterfall in the middle of the jungle off my head with so many stars to see and from my heart the most beautiful woman I have met she gives me meaning and life no matter what happens she gives me a love without want, and only need, I am in a place of such beauty all I wish to do is hold my friend girlfriend I feel we have a source which can overcome anything because it is not based upon wanting or needing but giving but lying in cabin so far from my love, its so hard but I will manage and give her all I have and all I need for her and her family, I feel nothing is necessary but her health and wealth and will so what I can , I miss her so much but I know this will not last because of what I have learnt and experienced I will be back soon in this hut I feel kind of lonely even thou every one is so nice, I miss my darling I see what it is I need and want are this, same now for so long, follow the same as that at the moment where I am now I care not for home but for now and life to be and live in the present moment to live for now and to be free.

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KNOWING KNOWING KNOWING

Chiang Mai somewhere, cool – warm, Knowing knowing knowing, writing writing writing, what an amazing experience to have at the Wat for 28 days, a life long experience and a realization of the three characteristics----------
- Impermanence.
- Suffering
- Non self

To truly see the meaning and just knowing without having to think about it I think I will be back and ajahn Suphan is very good and even monks likes me, but I now have done everything I came here for wearing 3 Buddha’s and beads and meeting, Alex, Andrew, and Sonia and Sylvia was also very good people who are on the same path i’m happy to go back the Wat and Patpong but soon I must go to Laos and this is tour is very good with Chang(elephants) riding and trekking through the forest for a few days is very good I don’t think staying in the city would have been good after the 28 days in the Wat and the determination, I do not want to leave here I will enjoy living and working for a while here even the local people here like me but a lot of
Suffering, Happiness, Study and Practice.
I feel a lot better now that I have a purpose while I sit on top of a mountain in Chiang Mai, with forest all around, I again realise, silence again is bliss, and the truth is what lasts forever, and simplicity and the middle way, is what the key to life is for me, and its always better to follow your heart to really sit down in silence and listen to it don’t follow your mind it never knows what it wants and to be calm and relaxed is the best approach because fear is our worst enemy and everything seems so far away when one is still because being is in the moment, because there is suffering , its what one does and how they act that counts, 2 be is to do, to do is 2 be, suffering is also impermanent where there is suffering there is happiness.
(Love is all we have to save the world)
(I don’t want an occupation to rule my life)
(To miss the one you love is the most suffering)
(It’s also the only emotion which can cause such ill will and good)
(Life only exist in the present moment so why are you thinking about tomorrow)
(I’m but an ant lucky enough to walk with giants)

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