1 February 2004

1 February 2004 9:32 AM I think true beauty is hidden from our limited sense’s, and ignorant minds, I sometimes wonder if we all do have a destiny, or something along those lines anyway, some sort of path, if so then there is meaning to each individual step and breath, because a path has a beginning and an end, and of course a middle, a direction with purpose, like water flowing down the hill, to the ocean, as grass is covered and dark clouds floating by on a sweet salty breeze off the field of green and blue liquid of life, as bodies live and learn, just as those upon the desert plains, and grass fields, of the earth, that have seen so much, and yet is a part of every part of us, as we are made up of the earth which has been rolling for years and years, my skin, hair, and organs, therefore are as old as this planet, our bodies which only last so long, really do live forever, everything that’s is made is empty, but so very full at the same time, and there is nothing impure till it becomes into such form, there is no atrocity with out man, but yet there is very little love and compassion also, love only exists because of man, just as time and money….are they all the same, if so then what difference does it make who we meet, then if we are all the same then why not fully find ourselves, I find myself completely ruled by my bodies very need at each moment it arises, so weak and lazy, undisciplined and immature………….
So many memories, or dreams I cant draw the line, but does it matter in the end, all I know is that along with these images are feelings, and stories which I feel blessed to have of my own, which cant be taken, and as years go by I can even add to them a few more, places visited and people met along the way, and sounds and tastes, I find myself so often on the verge of tears of late, at such simple moments of life full of love, and am over come with such emotion, only since the last year or so, is it because I am holding back some pain of my own which I have not dealt with yet, but I have searched and found nothing yet, or is something I have opened in my own head, for me to feel such basic human emotion which so many people fail to express at the moment, I just don’t know. What’s the deal, I just don’t know, would it still feel the same if you had an idea of what was to come or for what reason, the pain and suffering continue, I know life is suffering, because we are tied to these bags of cells, and biological machines, sometimes I just feel like crying, I would say its for no reason but its always when I tend to think of those who are in pain, whether physical, psychological, self inflicted, or imposed on by another, maybe its to balance my rather ecstatic moods in which I feel such elation for no reason, I am afraid, why is it that people cant see outside the box, that they cant see the forest for the trees, I am ruled by biological systems of laws and chemical reaction, which occur, and are in constant motion, no matter how still you choose to be, it can never be, life is suffering and to break it would an ecstasy of experiences unable to be expressed, I know there is something to be worked through but I don’t know what it is yet, but soon I feel all will be uncovered, I feel so lucky to just be alive, and able to experience all that I have even thou so limited at that point in time, but that will soon change, well in about nine months anyway, nine months away from my freedom and when my life begins, in practice and each moment will count, but the preceding moments have been necessary of course, as preparation, and prevention are the only cure, and music has such an ability to make you feel, and reach into your soul, and make you feel, or motivate oneself

“The day had been long, and I missed the bus again, all I wanted to do was to get home and see my family and relax, with a meal. but you don’t always get what you wish, I certainly didn’t dream of doing this job as I was growing up as a child running around a big house yelling screaming, playing and joking. Though as I look back upon missed opportunities and daring risks that could have landed me any where in the world. But ha, not I always had to take the safe way and just fall into a job that had some kind of stability, and a family with a house and a car. Though I can’t complain I guess seeing as there are so many people with so little” unknown

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