Kho Samui, hot, very nice week good to leave Bangers some very nice bars and resorts with many many more ladies especially one last night and the night before Milly spews in the bed and a massive Tsunami wipes out half of S.E. Asia, with friends lost in Patong very sad week, thousands missing and 25, 000 dead already, many falang gone especially in India and surrounding countries, luckily I just got out but many people didn’t with many stuck now also and homeless my time here has been very good, with another tour tomorrow then back to Bangers for another week and then Chang Mai and Laos next then back to Patong very nice people but same shit here but cleaner and nicer.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Sunday, December 19, 2004
JUST ANOTHER CITY
what a wonderful place i’m literally sick and tired from this city and I cant wait to get out and get back to the beach and away from here, my health keeps fluctuating but I think its getting better now at least I can walk and eat a bit maybe another night of sleep will do but Ayu was really nice and so was the boat trip and i’m glad its my last night in this hotel, the worst one so far with no view.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
OH YEAH
, what a day well not today, thou I did go to the grand palace, but yesterday on tour quite an amazing day and met john from Nigeria and made it to Patpong, good all round but I long for a bar where I can just have a drink in peace and relax, but saw a few things snake show, crocodile show, traditional Thai dancing/fighting/wedding, and the floating market and walking down Silom Rd with all the markets and bars, it’s a dirty city thou and my lungs are paying the price also my throat , but back on the Tom Yum for the first time in a couple of weeks thou I need some rice and another tour tomorrow which will be good to see some more temples.
Friday, December 17, 2004
LEFT INSTEAD OF RIGHT
nice day today got lost for a bit taking a left instead of a right, but got to go to Wat Pho, and see an amazingly massive, and beautiful Buddha statue and went driving around town, which was nice, and went to MBK, a huge shopping centre and then just ended up walking around and found Patpong, which was interesting and will be going down there tomorrow to check it out depending on how I feel after the tour tomorrow.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
RICH/POOR
, Bangkok-Woodlands Inn- Charoen Kaung Rd, Bangrak, warm, finally made it to Bangers after a shocker of a bus ride, well not so bad, with 2 valiums, and about 7 hours sleep, still hurting from Wat Tham Saeu, and just been walking around Bangkok seeing a few sites a lot different than other place but the traffic and the air is shocking, the fumes are quite bad as a blanket of gas hovers over through and around the streets the area i’m in is a bit quieter which is good, its weird walking the streets of a nothing country where most people don’t speak the same language and even a fewer who make fun and find you abnormal and seeing the poor people around, and the amount of children around how will the fair is such a country.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
BEAUTIFUL PAIN
1237 steps what a bloody killer, absolutely amazing though Wat Tham Saeu, this place does have its beauty, but you have to go and find it, and finally got my necklace piece, just need the necklace, absolutely buggered thou, physically drained, and losing weight after gaining about 6 kg, in Patong, now my journey can begin, as planned but it was all definitely worth it now with a 2 week break before millsy hopefully I’ll be back to normal by then, time certainly slows when one is silent alone and not drunk.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
WHAT AM I DOING
now that i’m on my own for the longest part I truly enjoy it, its also a lot cheaper quieter and relaxing having spent most of my time sleeping walking and watching football and some reading its so much quieter here than I thought with most places closed by almost 9/10 and bars closing 12/2 it’s a lot more relaxing and a lot less hectic, WHAT AM I DOING, WHERE AM I GOING
Sunday, December 12, 2004
SO GOOD, BUT SO BAD
Krabi- Chao Fah Guest, hot and then wet, and then cold, not as good as Jintana but it will do for four nights and amazing 2 weeks mainly sick though with the worst urinary infection, soooooooooooooooooooooo painful but good to get away from Patong and some where new and a little more quiet and away from the beach, who would have thought I would get so attached to people after one month, I don’t even know how I feel about them, one in particular but I know I will miss them always and that it has certainly been a month of firsts, with a lot of memories and a hell of a lot more friends, than I thought I would ever make, maybe I’ll be back who knows where my path will lead but I hope hope its not like this everywhere I stay because it will get harder and harder to leave each time maybe its good practice but who the hell knows, never did I imagine that people would like me so much, its weird people like me but don’t know why.
2:00 am, its weird how you can miss people after so little I never thought it would happen that I would meet such a good group of people so quickly and fall so fast but did climb twice as fast and high, not to mention a ball breaker of trip on the back of a motorbike with my pack on hanging on for dear life what a rush.
2:00 am, its weird how you can miss people after so little I never thought it would happen that I would meet such a good group of people so quickly and fall so fast but did climb twice as fast and high, not to mention a ball breaker of trip on the back of a motorbike with my pack on hanging on for dear life what a rush.
Friday, November 26, 2004
WHAT HAPPENED
I cant believe time has gone by so quick meeting so many people everywhere, and there’s no time for sitting on your arse, and the contrast between rich and poor are like never I have seen, and the pro’s make the most money with others on 3 dollars a day, went to Phi Phi island last night for half moon party which was off the hook, a party right on the beach with fire dancing and buckets of bourbon for 6 dollars, people nice but way too many tourists, everyday has been a big learning curve, with many people at franks bar, Stens Queen Mary, bangle, Phi Phi was absolutely beautiful and what I thought Phuket would be, but its so dirty.
Friday, November 19, 2004
UNBELIEVABLE
, hot and wet, an absolutely unbelievable time here. The contrast between beauty/ugly, good/bad, is really really Jekyll and Hyde, everything here is for sale, and the amount of people I have met and know, has blown out all initial plans and abilities I thought I would have, which all started Thursday night, have dinner a few drinks and end up on the beach, meet 10-15 people, then from there meet another 10 -15 people each night a new bar, with more falang, to get mao, meet mainly good people, Jason, looked after me, met nick(aussie)bar-Katoy’s R US, then Sten (I think with great place) opening party and will be mao, and went to bangle unbelievable go to Soi Lion, where all the pro’s work, 300 baht just to release than pay 1000 baht.
Friday, November 12, 2004
FINALLY HOME
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX SPECIAL REPORT: THAILAND XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Baan Jintana,, Patong beach, Phuket, hot wet, and wet, unbelievable, its so weird flying, you walk down this small hall sit down in a small chair surrounded by hundreds of people, watch a movie, sleep a little, then try to sleep a little more, then you wake up again and BANG your in another world amazing everything has gone better than I could have planned, a lot better, no checks straight to the hotel, dodgy shower lovely room, TG bloody everywhere, there all cute.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX SPECIAL REPORT: THAILAND XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Baan Jintana,, Patong beach, Phuket, hot wet, and wet, unbelievable, its so weird flying, you walk down this small hall sit down in a small chair surrounded by hundreds of people, watch a movie, sleep a little, then try to sleep a little more, then you wake up again and BANG your in another world amazing everything has gone better than I could have planned, a lot better, no checks straight to the hotel, dodgy shower lovely room, TG bloody everywhere, there all cute.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
MANIC DEPRESSIVE
at home in Melbourne, cold wet windy mid teens, overcast, quite a bit nervous at times, and sometimes rather excited, but then sometimes it doesn’t quite seem real, as though nothing is going to happen.
I am of the nature to age, I have not gone beyond ageing,
I am of the nature to sicken, I have not gone beyond sickness,
I am of the nature to die, I have not gone beyond dying,
All that is mine beloved and pleasing will change and become otherwise, will become separate from me.
I am the owner of my karma, heir to my karma, born of my karma, related to my karma, abide separated by my karma, whatever karma I shall do, for good or ill, of that I will be the heir.
Buddha.
I am of the nature to age, I have not gone beyond ageing,
I am of the nature to sicken, I have not gone beyond sickness,
I am of the nature to die, I have not gone beyond dying,
All that is mine beloved and pleasing will change and become otherwise, will become separate from me.
I am the owner of my karma, heir to my karma, born of my karma, related to my karma, abide separated by my karma, whatever karma I shall do, for good or ill, of that I will be the heir.
Buddha.
Monday, November 01, 2004
DAY BY DAY I GROW
its hard to say how much I have “improved”, over the last year, until I am in that situation again, maybe its my fear of loneliness that has pushed further into religion, I don’t crave that kind of attention anymore, but would rather seek out the wise, and compassionate teachers which I know are out there, hopefully along my travels I will be able to meet and learn from such wisdom, to let go when it really counts, its so easy to say I will do this, and be like that, but until the actual experience dawns upon us, we really don’t know what to expect, which can make it hard to prepare for but a hell of a lot more rewarding, but only if your open enough, and not to stubborn, it is amazing how religion can release all of your fears, is it because it is the truth, is it just because it feeds us a false hope, well will any kind of hope do, is a form of brainwashing, done by the individual, is it love, is it fear, that we believe and will we follow what ever feeds that, what is it that drives one to even seek such answers, is it fear and love, or is it just to find answers which are beyond our comprehension, how simple we are, how easy it is to solve everyone else’s problem, without the grey ;life would be so simple but why do we let emotion and attachment, and the ego, to interrupt our decisions, therefore our lives, I just wish to love all beings the way they wish to be loved, to make them happy with whatever they need to be happy, and to be free, of suffering, no matter, how much or little, big or small, short or tall, we still suffer, you cant rid the world of suffering for people but only show them how they can do it for themselves, freedom and suffering are funny words, as they can mean such much to some, for some people freedom is a physical ability, that they can go and do whatever they want when they want, but this is not freedom, freedom comes from within, some people who work or day, and all week, don’t feel free either, and suffering for some one could be as small as losing money or having something stolen, this is their suffering and is of no less significance as another because it causes the same amount of stress, but what are you really losing, your gaining your own freedom back, the more you own the more stress you accumulate, and the more they begin to own you, but for those who loose there whole family wouldn’t even care if they lost everything they owned, and this could be at any age
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
ALL CONDITIONED PHENOMENA ARE IMPERMANENT
“sabbe sankhara anicca”, (all conditioned phenomena are impermanent), “sabbe dhamma anatta”, (all things are not self) not long now only about 3 weeks, which will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good, i’m getting chills, to be living in another culture will be just and amazing experience, where each I can get up and not have to worry bout anything, and just do what
I feel, thou I will make sure it does become to hedonistic, and that all actions are in line with the five refuges, and don’t cause any suffering, hopefully, this is probably going to underlay everything I do from now on, and will greatly influence any desires, or success in which I will judge my life, and my direction, to increase as the happiness in this universe, and to try and attempt to help alleviate the suffering which occur each moment, through, selfishness, fear, and ignorance, but to do this as successfully as possible I will need to rid them from my own mind first, before I can begin to even start thinking that I will be able to help those around me, where ever I am, if all beings were on this path, there would be such insignificant suffering we would all be in heaven, and what is pain anyway, its just am electrical signal travelling along tracks in the body to the brain, is it caused by just unconformability, or does the mind just create as an escape for itself, when one needs an excuse to not do something it wish’s to not do, if I could be the pain in my body what else would be able to stop me, is it just a mental battle, or is there more to it, I do enjoy prolonging it even though I probably shouldn’t, to push my levels of resistance is always a challenge and a tussle I enjoy, especially seeing as I don’t always win, but I don’t think any of this is about winning or losing, but keeping the balance, the whole circle of life, there is no such thing as death but in our own mind, all that is created dies, but the truth which is not created, nor energy continue forever, because without them there is nothing and there cant be just nothing because it just wouldn’t be able to exist, but I must admit I am becoming a lot more comfortable with the whole idea of it in the end, not saying when it comes I will sail through with flying colours, but right now it’s a lot easier to mentions, and even contemplate, be because if nothing lasts forever than how can death also last for ever, ever thing is in a constant state of evolution, and reaction, its taken me a lot of evolving to realise the truth as it is, set forth in many religions, faiths, and even just ideologies from around the world, and that’s because it’s the truth, it doesn’t change because life and the energy within doesn’t change, but just transforms, in a constant state of flux, but at the moment the world is on a sliding scale which isn’t getting better at the moment and will be unfortunate get worse until it starts getting better, but one day it will all be over and everything with be on the other side of the scale, until it then begins again
Why dream of what can be done,
Wake up before the sun,
You know you will have fun,
Just remember rule one,
I pray that one day,
The world will see the way,
It pains my heart
People are afraid to start,
Stop trying to protect your little ego,
Its just more you will need to let go,
No one ever really dies,
I will hear you heedless cries,
Foolish to think you’re alone,
I’m a second away on the phone,
It wouldn’t be so hard if we let go together,
Drop to the ground like a feather.
I Know your weakness because there my own,
Not fooled by the sweetness you’ve shown,
All you need to do is open,
If a permits himself to be oppressed by something that ought to oppress him, his name will certainly be disgraced. If he leans upon which one cannot lean, his life will certainly be endangered. For him who is in disgrace and danger, the hour of death draws near’ pg 339
Love and hate combat each other, and good fortune and misfortune result there from. The far and the near injure each other, and remorse and humiliation result there from. The true and the false influence each other, and advantage and injury result there from. In all situations of the book of changes it is thus: when closely related things do not harmonize, misfortune is the result: this gives rise to injury, remorse, and humiliation. 355
The superior man sets his person at rest before he moves: he composes his mind before he speaks: he makes his relations firm before he asks for something. By attending to these three matters, the superior man gains complete security. But if a man is brusque in movements, others will not co-operate. If he is agitated in his words, they awaken no echo in others. If he asks for something without having first established relations, it will not be given to him. If no one is with him, those who would harm him draw near. In the book of changes it is said: he brings increase to no one. Indeed, someone even strikes him. He does not keep his heart constantly steady. Misfortune 343
In a struggle with an enemy of superior strength, retreat is no disgrace. Timely withdrawal prevents bad consequences. If out of false sense of honour, a man allowed himself to be tempted into an unequal conflict; he would be drawing down disaster upon himself. In such case a wise and conciliatory attitude benefits the whole community, which will then not be drawn into conflict. 30
How is it that people can be so different when bought up the same, and as family and friends, and all the living beings in this world is all we should be concerned with, why is there so much suffering, people are so quick to protect there own ego, it leaves very little room for others, I think over the last year or so empathy has been my biggest lesson, and often find protecting those I even dislike, and those who cant protect themselves, if I can do it then it obviously isn’t hard, or even take much effort or energy, just a little thought outside of the box, a bit lateral, if ya know what I mean, in it, and possessions are so meaningless, no matter how much they cost or there size, they don’t last and we spend so much time worrying about them that it hardly seems worth it, it hurts me so, and almost brings me to tears just the thought of peoples lack of thought, when its so easy, how many of the worlds problems arise from not thinking of others, this life and the energy we are, lasts so much longer than your bank, house, or car, I don’t care for TVs, electronics, or words of fear and delusion, its so clear through tear filled eyes that your only hurting yourself, participating in these actions of greed, anger, fear, lust, and dishonesty, by no means am I free of these defilements, but by being aware of them, and becoming more mindful, and in the present moment, I know I have greatly reduced these negative actions, and there negative consequences nearest my heart, and even just those beings lives in which I enter into each day,
You call me up and I'll say a few words
But I’ll try not to speak too long
Please to be kind and I'II try to explain
I’ll probably get it all wrong
What does it mean when you promise someone
That no matter how hard or whatever may come
It means that I won t give in,
won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Play it once, disappear
Once in a while I return to the fold
With people I call my own
Even if time is just a flicker of light
And we all have to die alone
What does it mean when you belong to someone
Do you already ? ? ? Do you carry it on
It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
All at once, and I'II show you how to get here
Come on now, come on now, can you feel it,
I can see it in ya
Come on now, come on now,
reveal it, turn around won t ya
The right time, the right place, right now, turn around
A chance is made, a chance is lost,
I carry myself to the edge of the earth
It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Say it once, just say it, and disappear
LOS LONELY BOYS LYRICS
Heaven
Vamanos!
Save me from this prison
Lord, help me get away
'Cause only you can save me now
From this misery
Well I've been lost in my own place
And I'm getting' weary
How far is heaven?
And I know that I need to change
My ways of living
How far is heaven?
Lord, can you tell me?
I've been locked up way too long
In this crazy world
How far is heaven?
I just keep on prayin', Lord
I just keep on livin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
Tu que estas en alto cielo, hechame tu bendicion.
[translated from Spanish: you that's in a higher place, send me down a blessing]
'Cause I know there's a better place
In this place I'm livin'
How far is heaven?
So I just got to show some faith
And just keep on givin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord can you tell me)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
I just gotta know how far
I just wanna know how far
I feel, thou I will make sure it does become to hedonistic, and that all actions are in line with the five refuges, and don’t cause any suffering, hopefully, this is probably going to underlay everything I do from now on, and will greatly influence any desires, or success in which I will judge my life, and my direction, to increase as the happiness in this universe, and to try and attempt to help alleviate the suffering which occur each moment, through, selfishness, fear, and ignorance, but to do this as successfully as possible I will need to rid them from my own mind first, before I can begin to even start thinking that I will be able to help those around me, where ever I am, if all beings were on this path, there would be such insignificant suffering we would all be in heaven, and what is pain anyway, its just am electrical signal travelling along tracks in the body to the brain, is it caused by just unconformability, or does the mind just create as an escape for itself, when one needs an excuse to not do something it wish’s to not do, if I could be the pain in my body what else would be able to stop me, is it just a mental battle, or is there more to it, I do enjoy prolonging it even though I probably shouldn’t, to push my levels of resistance is always a challenge and a tussle I enjoy, especially seeing as I don’t always win, but I don’t think any of this is about winning or losing, but keeping the balance, the whole circle of life, there is no such thing as death but in our own mind, all that is created dies, but the truth which is not created, nor energy continue forever, because without them there is nothing and there cant be just nothing because it just wouldn’t be able to exist, but I must admit I am becoming a lot more comfortable with the whole idea of it in the end, not saying when it comes I will sail through with flying colours, but right now it’s a lot easier to mentions, and even contemplate, be because if nothing lasts forever than how can death also last for ever, ever thing is in a constant state of evolution, and reaction, its taken me a lot of evolving to realise the truth as it is, set forth in many religions, faiths, and even just ideologies from around the world, and that’s because it’s the truth, it doesn’t change because life and the energy within doesn’t change, but just transforms, in a constant state of flux, but at the moment the world is on a sliding scale which isn’t getting better at the moment and will be unfortunate get worse until it starts getting better, but one day it will all be over and everything with be on the other side of the scale, until it then begins again
Why dream of what can be done,
Wake up before the sun,
You know you will have fun,
Just remember rule one,
I pray that one day,
The world will see the way,
It pains my heart
People are afraid to start,
Stop trying to protect your little ego,
Its just more you will need to let go,
No one ever really dies,
I will hear you heedless cries,
Foolish to think you’re alone,
I’m a second away on the phone,
It wouldn’t be so hard if we let go together,
Drop to the ground like a feather.
I Know your weakness because there my own,
Not fooled by the sweetness you’ve shown,
All you need to do is open,
If a permits himself to be oppressed by something that ought to oppress him, his name will certainly be disgraced. If he leans upon which one cannot lean, his life will certainly be endangered. For him who is in disgrace and danger, the hour of death draws near’ pg 339
Love and hate combat each other, and good fortune and misfortune result there from. The far and the near injure each other, and remorse and humiliation result there from. The true and the false influence each other, and advantage and injury result there from. In all situations of the book of changes it is thus: when closely related things do not harmonize, misfortune is the result: this gives rise to injury, remorse, and humiliation. 355
The superior man sets his person at rest before he moves: he composes his mind before he speaks: he makes his relations firm before he asks for something. By attending to these three matters, the superior man gains complete security. But if a man is brusque in movements, others will not co-operate. If he is agitated in his words, they awaken no echo in others. If he asks for something without having first established relations, it will not be given to him. If no one is with him, those who would harm him draw near. In the book of changes it is said: he brings increase to no one. Indeed, someone even strikes him. He does not keep his heart constantly steady. Misfortune 343
In a struggle with an enemy of superior strength, retreat is no disgrace. Timely withdrawal prevents bad consequences. If out of false sense of honour, a man allowed himself to be tempted into an unequal conflict; he would be drawing down disaster upon himself. In such case a wise and conciliatory attitude benefits the whole community, which will then not be drawn into conflict. 30
How is it that people can be so different when bought up the same, and as family and friends, and all the living beings in this world is all we should be concerned with, why is there so much suffering, people are so quick to protect there own ego, it leaves very little room for others, I think over the last year or so empathy has been my biggest lesson, and often find protecting those I even dislike, and those who cant protect themselves, if I can do it then it obviously isn’t hard, or even take much effort or energy, just a little thought outside of the box, a bit lateral, if ya know what I mean, in it, and possessions are so meaningless, no matter how much they cost or there size, they don’t last and we spend so much time worrying about them that it hardly seems worth it, it hurts me so, and almost brings me to tears just the thought of peoples lack of thought, when its so easy, how many of the worlds problems arise from not thinking of others, this life and the energy we are, lasts so much longer than your bank, house, or car, I don’t care for TVs, electronics, or words of fear and delusion, its so clear through tear filled eyes that your only hurting yourself, participating in these actions of greed, anger, fear, lust, and dishonesty, by no means am I free of these defilements, but by being aware of them, and becoming more mindful, and in the present moment, I know I have greatly reduced these negative actions, and there negative consequences nearest my heart, and even just those beings lives in which I enter into each day,
You call me up and I'll say a few words
But I’ll try not to speak too long
Please to be kind and I'II try to explain
I’ll probably get it all wrong
What does it mean when you promise someone
That no matter how hard or whatever may come
It means that I won t give in,
won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Play it once, disappear
Once in a while I return to the fold
With people I call my own
Even if time is just a flicker of light
And we all have to die alone
What does it mean when you belong to someone
Do you already ? ? ? Do you carry it on
It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
All at once, and I'II show you how to get here
Come on now, come on now, can you feel it,
I can see it in ya
Come on now, come on now,
reveal it, turn around won t ya
The right time, the right place, right now, turn around
A chance is made, a chance is lost,
I carry myself to the edge of the earth
It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Say it once, just say it, and disappear
LOS LONELY BOYS LYRICS
Heaven
Vamanos!
Save me from this prison
Lord, help me get away
'Cause only you can save me now
From this misery
Well I've been lost in my own place
And I'm getting' weary
How far is heaven?
And I know that I need to change
My ways of living
How far is heaven?
Lord, can you tell me?
I've been locked up way too long
In this crazy world
How far is heaven?
I just keep on prayin', Lord
I just keep on livin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
Tu que estas en alto cielo, hechame tu bendicion.
[translated from Spanish: you that's in a higher place, send me down a blessing]
'Cause I know there's a better place
In this place I'm livin'
How far is heaven?
So I just got to show some faith
And just keep on givin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord can you tell me)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
I just gotta know how far
I just wanna know how far
Monday, October 18, 2004
I JUST CANT STAY
not long now, and I cant wait, ha ha ha, of course I can seeing as it also allows me to organise everything that I have to and make sure I have enough cash, which hopefully wont be a problem, but not having any responsibilities or jobs, or anything actually will be good, especially since I have been at school pretty much most of my life, and working most of the last five years, I don’t even know what its like to have nothing to do, which will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good I cant wait, the excitement is beginning to build up and blow like a volcano, but its all going to be okay, there is also a little sadness at leaving everything behind, but there is something inside that cant stay here forever, I know I will see everything again, and everybody, but to immerse myself into another culture so far from mine, not only in distance but in all that governs one life will be so very good, and though I have limited experience in it, only having left the country for two months, it was the most liberating experience, and the knowledge that arises from it can not be taught or learnt any other way, and if I need to work just part time than that will just have to be, but i’m so excited to be leaving in just less than two months, that I will be living in a new country learning and living their way will be so good, and to be able to practice will be so relieving, and meeting with new people will be the most amazing experience, maybe I will even do some volunteer work which will also be very good, but a little harder to organise, so that will be a little lower upon the list of priorities, but nether the less an idea, its also interesting to hear what people think about you, wether it be good or bad, its also been very good spending time with Bhante each week, to follow in his foot steps would also be amazing, and to come back here and teach would also be very good, at least this way all questions and doubt will be set upon in concrete for, and there will be no turning back, to rise above, and cross the line or to fall, and crash and burn, I also think that fears cant be beaten for a lay person, but that we just develop better methods for coping, which me thinks is just as important, but it all comes down to becoming a witness, and having the ability to see how and why certain things arise within oneself, and also within others, the more I practice the more I realise we are all the same, and that blaming and harming, others only weakens your own self, when you see, just see, when you hear, just hear, when you smell just smell, when you touch just touch, when you know just know, its amazing how simple it all is, and yet so many people don’t see it, it took me 24 years to realise its simplicity and beauty, and the “eternalness” of it, it is quite mind blowing, to experience without judgement, without labelling, without criticising, without fear, without anger, without religion, without politics, without money, without hatred, when one sees and understands, one can no longer feel hatred or a want to harm, because one knows, and one cant help but to feel love, and a love that has no judgment, or label, or direction, but a true want for all living beings to be happy, healthy and free from suffering, a purity that is true and clear, its so obvious that hate only breeds hate, fear breeds fear, and only love will save the day, “all you need is love” John Lennon.
MY PARALLEL
its interesting to see how most relationships are either convergent, or divergent, few remain parallel, which for obvious reasons would be almost impossible, as one tries to give more as the other tries to take more, the ego causes so much suffering to oneself, and those in which it is inflicted upon, I hope that the suffering I cause has significantly dropped over the last year, the laws of man seem so futile, so emotionless, and egotistical, one needs to look beyond to the laws of the universe, and contemplate upon the amount of suffering one causes, the main problem is that few even realise there own mistakes. Which is understandable, humans are so weak, and the ego is so strong and deceptive, that it takes so much energy mindfulness and concentration to change, that in a split second of no concentration, one can be so greedy and selfish, I can see how the mind what works, always living in fear, trying to protect itself, funnily enough from other egos, and the more I practice the more I realise we are all the same, same fears, wants and desires, needs, and what we think we need, I can see my ego at work and am still taken by it now and then, but as it lessens I realise how difficult it becomes to be honest, people cant handle the truth, because then the ego would loose its control, people are afraid to let go of it, and therefore only wish to hear what the ego wants to hear to reinforce the idea that it is doing a good job, I am very week, but have cut my weakness considerably, and realise that one is sometimes better off saying nothing than causing suffering, everyone already knows there weakness, and tend to choose to ignore them because the ego creates an air of fear around the subject that we wish to go away, but the only way to beat our fears is to walk right thru them, one should not fear, fear itself. Maybe i’m delusional, maybe i’m wrong, but I no longer worry myself with such human judgements but go by the universal laws, if u give, It will be given, if you take it will be taken, if you teach hate, hate will always be your master, if you teach love the universe will love, and the universe is made of energy, this is all that exists, one can change this energy easily, but one should only do without ego, and if the individual wish’s it, otherwise it becomes manipulation, which will never achieve the correct result no matter how we wish, you cant make people do, if they don’t want to, they will fight it always, its not in our nature to
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
15 September 2004 11:58 AM
its amazing how everybody seems to want to be, or look like someone else, and that they need so many things, other than clothes and food, there is little else one needs, a home is of course preferable, but there are of course many unfortunate people who lack any kind of home, or a house really, if people were content with what they had the world would be a lot happier, and its always the poorest countries which are happier according to scientists, maybe its because they don’t have a choice, or there just happy with the simple things in life, happiness has to arise from within, the further I go the more I know this is the right path for me, i’m not going to do things just because everybody else is doing them, that’s such a weak excuse, thou I know it arises from the ego, people just trying to fit in, and feel normal, when who’s normal, what’s normal anyway, its amazing how powerful the ego is, telling us we enjoys things that clearly harms us and those around us, by just brushing it off with some stupid excuse, and its funny how the two worst drugs in the world are legal, and the government makes so much money off, of it, more people die from smoking each than all the other elicit drugs put together, not to mention alcohol, which kills just as many, yet because its acceptable by society we seem to brush it off as alright, and its not like its hard to get any drug what so ever, you just have to walk down some streets and people come up to you, let alone being in a club, I don’t know if I follow the greens idea but at least there trying something different because what’s in place is definitely not working, I know more people that smoke dope than cigarettes, and even some states its legal, and may even have medicinal benefits, which would make more sense as it is natural, rather than some other chemicals manufactured in a lab somewhere, if the government was smart, they could regulate each drug and sell it cheap, which would wipe out most of the criminal underworld, as there would be less people committing crimes trying to feed there habit, and the gangs would have nothing left to deal in, and the government could make cash out of it as well, and that would take out the multibillion dollar industry within a year, because then people would know exactly what they where getting, and the government could keep it clean, and regulate the dosage, so people wouldn’t OD, or have allergic reactions to the other crap that people just chuck in, the problem is I guess its hard to know what would happen, cause you cant go back once its in place, but something needs to be, for people with addictive personalities will always find something to feel dependant on, because of there ego telling them that its alright if it kills me and my family because it makes me feel good, it just sounds so stupid, maybe its how where bought up, or its in the genes, because each culture has its problems, some its smoking, drinking, some its weed, some its opium, I guess what ever is available will do when you think you need something anything will do, drugs will always be around, and people will always take them legal or not, safe or harmful, maybe instead of focusing upon the criminal element of it, maybe focus upon more education, or maybe because it illegal and people like to be naughty and risky, adding an element of excitement to the experience, i’m not to sure why people feel they have to do it on a regular basis, I can understand trying new things, that is fair enough, how can you knock without trying it, but many people judge other one what they don’t understand or have never experienced, how can people tell others what to do when they don’t know what they feel, or understand, and just because their satisfied with doing what ever it is there doing, doesn’t mean that its even right, or even more, that everyone else should do it, why make people do what they don t enjoy just because your stuck doing it, and why do people judge so quickly what is good for, and that they rate a non wasteful life upon how much money they have, or how good a job they have, or how big there house is, these are such empty rewards, what about feeing your mind, emotional intelligence is far more beneficial than intellectual, its no good be really smart if you cant communicate or survive in a group of people, there was once a time when I thought that if I got this and achieved that then I would be happy, but I soon realised that as soon as you get it, your looking for the next thing to achieve, that next hurdle, or mountain to climb, why is it less respectable to be garbage man than a teaching, the world needs both just as much, probably need a garbage more and more as the amount of crap we produce each year, imagine if that was left out on the street for even a month and the amount of disease that would arise would wipe out all the sick, young and elderly, but people are more and more teaching there own children at home, to be intelligent should be a judge of an individual, but how compassionate, giving and helpful they are, like the dalai lama, mother Teresa, Fred hollows, these people who give the most ultimate gift in the universe, which is there own time and love to help other beings, not judging them for their likes or dislikes, religion or non, hetero or gay, old or young, rich or poor, if you take away everything we all owned, all you would see are naked beings, all the same, like we see other animals, we are far lower upon the civilisation stakes than so many other amazing animals, what animal fights over clothing, gold or buildings, but over food and land, and what animal kills another for fun, or any other emotion other than life, to live is all they know yet we take, take, take, take, for no reason other than greed, thinking to much about there own petty self, which can so easily turn to anger and fear, which coexist anger and fear are inseparable, one follows the other
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
7 September 2004 9:59 AM
does man have a destiny, fate, it’s a funny thing, wondering about everything, very mind boggling, but I think there has to be, for there is reason for all that’s lives, and all that feels, from the smallest being to the largest, strongest to the weakest, we should look after all beings, and protect all that se can, and not be so selfish, and think about ourselves, for the small pleasures of eating a piece of meat, because its not a necessity in this society, so other than gluttony and selfishness, or just plain contempt for the compassion of all beings, I see no other reason, why does a being have to die for a such a small reward, and the amount of disease which can arrive from such acts, it’s a lot healthy to just each fruits, vegies and nuts which have more than enough goodness, weak weak weak weak, the more I practice the more I know i’m on the right path, the result is of no concern, why think of buying, if u have no money to spend, why eat when your not hungry, it’s a lot of fun to learn another language, and about another culture so different to your own, doesn’t it make more sense to go through life without harming any beings, or through your action to cause as little suffering as possible, and to increase the love and compassion toward all beings, north south east and west, seen and not seen, I think I’ve finally found my passion, even though I may be a poor practitioner I now know of goals, and a feeling of accomplishment, that not only benefits myself but all beings around the universe, if I can now only get through the rest and not harm anyone either, directly or indirectly I will be very pleased, guilt free and not so afraid, no longer concerned about gaining empty possessions, or upgrading the ones I have, or becoming a slave to money, and what society says will make me happy, with its emptiness that blinds and only just feeds our immediate needs, and yet leaves us empty inside with nothing really all that nourishing or lasting, if we satisfied and happy with what we had, y do we need more and more, life has never been so physically easy in our existence, and yet the biggest illness arising now is depression, hello everybody doesn’t this tell you something, intellectually and emotionally times have never been tougher, as over population of 95% of all the 2/3’s of this planets land, rapes the earth till we ourselves are unable to breath, but seeing as very little leaves this planet, when we pass it will restore itself to its previous glory and wonder, I will be glad to leave it for some time, from this backward society that adores actors and sportsmen which only delude us further millions of dollars to lies and deceive, and to distract us from what is really rising and falling, and yet doctors who save lives daily get very little in comparison, doubt any of these people get even a millions dollars for just six months of work, when other entertainers get millions and millions of dollars a year, including tens, and hundreds of millions of dollars, it just doesn’t make sense, we reward those who deceive and distract compared to those who save lives, and try to increase peoples quality of life, and yet when these entertainers make a mistake everyone in the media is so quick to judge, there only another human being, no more special than a homeless person on the street, each individual has a gift and must utilise it to fulfil there destiny, but something has to go wrong soon, I’ve had such a good run lately I cant believe it even thou I was told it would be, I never thought about it becoming true, very interesting, this magic I have found, very interesting
Sunday, August 22, 2004
22 August 2004 10:16 AM
its certainly an interesting universe we occupy, what is real, why do we “need” a TV or a big house, and a fast car, why do people keep updating everything even thou its not broken, why do we “need” so many TVs in our house, watching other people act out fake lives in stories made up from people watching other people in their life, what difference does it make what name is on our clothing, and who made our car, if people weren’t so afraid and had such small esteem, there would no need to buy new things,
Violent Femmes - Good Feeling Lyrics
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Dear lady there's so many things
That I have come to fear
Little voice says I'm going crazy
To see all my worlds disappear
Vague sketch of a fantasy
Laughing at the sunrise
Like he's been up all night
ooo slippin and slidin
What a good time but now
Have to find a bed
That can take this wait
Good feeing
Won’t you say stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I know the other one
Just a little too well
Oh dear lady
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
y'know it always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Last Goodbye Lyrics (J. Buckley)
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
This is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all.
Kiss me, please, Kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know, it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.
Did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe... you didn't know him at all."
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that, "it's over... it's over..."
Violent Femmes - Good Feeling Lyrics
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Dear lady there's so many things
That I have come to fear
Little voice says I'm going crazy
To see all my worlds disappear
Vague sketch of a fantasy
Laughing at the sunrise
Like he's been up all night
ooo slippin and slidin
What a good time but now
Have to find a bed
That can take this wait
Good feeing
Won’t you say stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I know the other one
Just a little too well
Oh dear lady
Won’t you stay with me just a little longer
y'know it always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Last Goodbye Lyrics (J. Buckley)
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
This is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all.
Kiss me, please, Kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know, it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.
Did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe... you didn't know him at all."
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that, "it's over... it's over..."
Saturday, August 21, 2004
21 August 2004 8:10 AM
what a weird world we live, what is real, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, this question has dogged for years, for as long as I can remember I have always had this question pounding the inside of my head, squeezing my heart, bashing my mind, weakening my self control, berating my faith, alone in this world, but still a feeling of connection, something in common with all the other souls in the universe,
Saturday, August 14, 2004
14 August 2004 12:00 PM
I’m not looking for paradise, this can only exist within your own mind, a perception of what one thinks is beautiful or perfect, it can only exist in your mind, this also goes for hell, a perception of what you think is negative, the world is as it is, neither heaven or hell, but already both, to be, the same as any other sense, its just a perception what the mind has created to relate and interact and protect itself, sound is nothing but vibrations through the air, sight is nothing but reflected light waves through the air, taste and smell are nothing but chemicals rolling over the tongue or through the nostrils, the tongue doesn’t know what tastes nice, your nose doesn’t know what smells nice, the ears don’t know what sounds nice, your eyes don’t know what looks nice, your tongue, nose, ears and eyes don’t know what you like, it all exists in your mind, touch is nothing but pressure, and all pain is one of these senses being overloaded, that’s all it doesn’t know that it hurts, your skin doesn’t know what’s harmful, these are just perceptions in the minds that decipher beneficial, and non-beneficial, a choice, the same as desire, and aversion, both occur through craving, one to have more of and one to lessen, as we feed one, and starve the other, the craving only strengthens, if I can win here, I have won, no matter where I am in the world, but the mind is a bloody stubborn, weak, stupid, selfish, scared thing that doesn’t wish to let go of the pile of shit it has latched on to, there is better, and there is worse, depending on your state of mind, it’s a constant battle, day in day out, every person has the ability to be great, and beautiful, and each individual has the ability to perform grievous bodily harm, but somewhere between our ears there’s something that makes a choice to be one or the other, or somewhere in the middle, but its so easy to be just selfish weak, etc, but there is little satisfaction here which is why they often escalate, but to do one good deed, can benefit greatly and produce satisfaction for the mind and body I don’t understand why the mind still feed on the other, even though it can flip quicker than any measurement of time, always thinking he opposite of what you are doing, but metta bhawana can change this, it is the only method I have to work, to actually change the way I think, without having to think, which brings up so much joy because I can finally realise that there is a path to freedom, it bloody easy, but then there would be no point, it’s the hardest thing anyone can do which is why so few try and even fewer achieve, but I’ve found I no longer have a choice, without it I can no longer survive, there would be no more happiness because there would be nothing but emptiness but I now know there is something more for sure, I always had an indication, a feeling a sense of there being more than what I can see, but its so hard to prove to yourself, but our soul has to come from somewhere and its bot born, so it doesn’t die, just as all the chemicals in the world will never die, they just transform into what ever there karma has in store for them, I know I have done so many things wrong in the past, but by continuing on this path, and only this path, can I diminish there effects, and increase the positive
“Where Is The Love?” Blackeyed Peas
What's wrong with the world, mamaPeople livin' like they ain't got no mamasI think the whole world addicted to the dramaOnly attracted to things that'll bring you traumaOverseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorismBut we still got terrorists here livin'In the USA, the big CIAThe Bloods and The Crips and the KKKBut if you only have love for your own raceThen you only leave space to discriminateAnd to discriminate only generates hateAnd when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeahMadness is what you demonstrateAnd that's exactly how anger works and operatesMan, you gotta have love just to set it straightTake control of your mind and meditateLet your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'allPeople killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveIt just ain't the same, always unchangedNew days are strange, is the world insaneIf love and peace is so strongWhy are there pieces of love that don't belongNations droppin' bombsChemical gasses fillin' lungs of little onesWith ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die youngSo ask yourself is the lovin' really goneSo I could ask myself really what is goin' wrongIn this world that we livin' in people keep on givin inMakin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividendsNot respectin' each other, deny thy brotherA war is goin' on but the reason's undercoverThe truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rugIf you never know truth then you never know loveWhere's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveI feel the weight of the world on my shoulderAs I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colderMost of us only care about money makin'Selfishness got us followin' our wrong directionWrong information always shown by the mediaNegative images is the main criteriaInfecting the young minds faster than bacteriaKids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo', whatever happened to the values of humanityWhatever happened to the fairness in equalityInstead of spreading love were spreading animosityLack of understanding, leading lives away from unityThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' underThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' downThere's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' underGotta keep my faith alive till love is foundNow ask yourselfWhere is the love? Where is the love?Where is the love? Where is the love?People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)
“Where Is The Love?” Blackeyed Peas
What's wrong with the world, mamaPeople livin' like they ain't got no mamasI think the whole world addicted to the dramaOnly attracted to things that'll bring you traumaOverseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorismBut we still got terrorists here livin'In the USA, the big CIAThe Bloods and The Crips and the KKKBut if you only have love for your own raceThen you only leave space to discriminateAnd to discriminate only generates hateAnd when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeahMadness is what you demonstrateAnd that's exactly how anger works and operatesMan, you gotta have love just to set it straightTake control of your mind and meditateLet your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'allPeople killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveIt just ain't the same, always unchangedNew days are strange, is the world insaneIf love and peace is so strongWhy are there pieces of love that don't belongNations droppin' bombsChemical gasses fillin' lungs of little onesWith ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die youngSo ask yourself is the lovin' really goneSo I could ask myself really what is goin' wrongIn this world that we livin' in people keep on givin inMakin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividendsNot respectin' each other, deny thy brotherA war is goin' on but the reason's undercoverThe truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rugIf you never know truth then you never know loveWhere's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love The love, the loveI feel the weight of the world on my shoulderAs I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colderMost of us only care about money makin'Selfishness got us followin' our wrong directionWrong information always shown by the mediaNegative images is the main criteriaInfecting the young minds faster than bacteriaKids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo', whatever happened to the values of humanityWhatever happened to the fairness in equalityInstead of spreading love were spreading animosityLack of understanding, leading lives away from unityThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' underThat's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' downThere's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' underGotta keep my faith alive till love is foundNow ask yourselfWhere is the love? Where is the love?Where is the love? Where is the love?People killin', people dyin'Children hurt and you hear them cryin'Can you practice what you preachAnd would you turn the other cheekFather, Father, Father help usSend some guidance from above'Cause people got me, got me questionin'Where is the love (Love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love)
Friday, August 06, 2004
6 August 2004 8:17 PM
a moment before work once again, and rather tired with little sleep, and a little stuff to do, but this is the calm before the storm, and one should always be one with time, and take heed of the current moment, and just be, though not easy, but very beneficial, it seems that everything is bipolar, and of course cant exist otherwise, but if we were able to melt the east and west, north and south, then there would be one under heaven, a perfect ying yang, which would propel the this race a thousand times faster into the future, and would even allow the feeble use of our minds to become a lot more efficient and all encompassing, I’ve also realised two of the worst ever moments in an individuals life, one involves the first realization of one mortality, and the other involves the idea that one is not loved, the most amazing moment in ones life is the realization that one is loved, and to truly believe it, which isn’t just about the environment one is in, but wether one believes it is up to the individual, and one can only see the truth with thine third eye, in which meditation is the only way to uncover, and to also control and train the mind, so that we are not at its manipulation, as many people act first without analysis, the best one individual can do is to realize when and why an emotion has arisen, and catch it before we act so hastily, and the best way to minimize hatred, and racism, is get people of different cultures to mingle as much as possible, there they then see they are no different, and are after the same thing as they are, I also find my self enjoying more and more of everything, my tolerance is higher, my appreciation is higher, my mind is more open, this may be due to meditation, but unfortunately most of the aging population are travelling in the opposite direction, and are enjoying less and less, and still stick to the same music or movies that they grew up with which is such a real shame because there is so much art out there they miss, and who is anyone to judge, especially art, which is so subject, and meant to produce a reaction, the problem is most people don’t question it and just shut it out, how hard is it to ask one self why don’t I like, and the same works for the opposite, what is it about the art that I do like, why do I like it, I think, well for me art is about an expression of an emotion or emotions which an individual is trying to express the best, and often the only way they can, so how can people judge what they are feeling, and how the feel to express it, unless your just judging the art on practical, and technical areas but who does that any way, most people wouldn’t even know how to write a song, or paint a picture, which damn bloody hard, which is maybe also why i’m more appreciative of art in general because I am an artist and know how hard it is to find what it is exactly your trying to express, all forms have its place upon society, and certainly need to classified to protect those of an innocent age, but art needs to be pushing the boundaries, it there is also a need for the elite artists such tenors which are just gifted, is it really a talent when your born with it, isn’t a talent something you work at and perfect, if your born with it, its just to easy, I dunno maybe that’s just me, but how can you claim it, particularly when it comes to singers, its not as thou they had to do anything to gain such a voice, not like painters, musicians, or sculptors, to write a symphony like Beethoven, to create I think is the ultimate talent, that’s what it is in a nutshell I guess, such as painters who take a blank canvas, or sculptors who take a lump of rock, and turn it into art, these along with those who save lives and decreases the suffering of others should be heralded as the elite of society and should be famous, not actors what do they do for anyone, make a movie with money, I can do it in my backyard, but I could never save a dying being, I hope thou one day that thru other means that I can alleviate some suffering, of the mind, which I think is just as important, for I’ve had my battle in my time, and the worst of them where in my own damn head, there is nothing anyone has done in this world to harm as much as I have harmed myself, and what’s worse is the effect it has upon the people in my environment, I once thought I could get around without affecting anyone, and just glide over this world like a butterfly and no one would notice, but for better or worse, no one can, we are all in this together, and should support each other together, its so simple in theory, but if people didn’t have an ego, and weren’t so judgemental, it would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier to get along, if people just said what they felt, with no attachments, and people where able to take without judgment, if someone’s not smart then they can read more, or if I can do maths like my dad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it a bloody fact people don’t so egotistical and think that there putting you down, its not the end of the world if you a little overweight, not as smart as someone else, it just is, people are so hung up on being judge, who cares your not better or worse and where not the same, it would like a big tree putting shit on smaller tree, who the hell cares, just love one another, if every one had compassion and love for all beings, we would need bombs and guns, or police or even governments in there current form, just organisers, or leaders, and how can a country of 20million be run by just one, this is not logical, it would be good if we all had the same laws, and currency, there is so much segregation based upon whose on a piece of paper and what number it has on it, and what piece of dirt you were born, and what piece of dirt your enemy is born, your made from the same piece of clay as they say, if there was one all omnipresent being who created all these beings, do you really think that he would really want anything to die, or be killed, no way, for to create such life involves love and compassion, not a bloody jihad, or anything, even thou many wars and millions of people have died for their religion, not there god as they would want you to believe, a being that created the whole universe would love all under heaven as equal, irrelevant of the pigment of your skin, what a hoax.
There’s a beauty that resonates thru everything that is beyond the power of the pen, this is beauty, the same as truth, anything in its purest form cannot be expressed in any language, whether great feats of human endurance, or acts of terror,
“I don’t fear none of my enemies, and I don’t fear bullets from uzies, I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these, that make you fall to your knees, and that’s my anxiety’s, sane and the insane rivalry, paranoia has bout me to my knees, lord please please please take away my anxiety”
Black Eyed Peas
Made of dust and grim,
The red rust won’t cost you a dime,
Fall upon the ground from the sky,
With a son would you still lie?
What would you do if you knew the truth?
How could you take what you do?
You’re so concerned with yourself,
These blows only affect our wealth,
If you only could love a little more,
Through the light through the door,
Red is all you see,
Hate is all you will be,
To be free is the only way to live,
A tree can only grow from what you give,
So how do you expect to be right?
When you only have revenge in sight.
It can make you do some strange things,
Good and bad no one knows what it brings,
Nothing better than just lying by one side,
Naked in the mind nothing to hide,
There is nothing but to be,
If not blinded its easy to see,
What’s there what’s real?
Many get lost and unsure how they feel,
Afraid to be honest afraid to say,
Calm is best, calm wont betray,
It will never be until it’s lost,
Down upon a drain in the frost,
Arriving from the cold cold night,
And all you want to do is hold hold all night,
The answer is there shining in our face,
But too afraid to let go and feel the empty space,
Must melt away the ego and feel the truth
Hard in age remember your youth,
There’s a beauty that resonates thru everything that is beyond the power of the pen, this is beauty, the same as truth, anything in its purest form cannot be expressed in any language, whether great feats of human endurance, or acts of terror,
“I don’t fear none of my enemies, and I don’t fear bullets from uzies, I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these, that make you fall to your knees, and that’s my anxiety’s, sane and the insane rivalry, paranoia has bout me to my knees, lord please please please take away my anxiety”
Black Eyed Peas
Made of dust and grim,
The red rust won’t cost you a dime,
Fall upon the ground from the sky,
With a son would you still lie?
What would you do if you knew the truth?
How could you take what you do?
You’re so concerned with yourself,
These blows only affect our wealth,
If you only could love a little more,
Through the light through the door,
Red is all you see,
Hate is all you will be,
To be free is the only way to live,
A tree can only grow from what you give,
So how do you expect to be right?
When you only have revenge in sight.
It can make you do some strange things,
Good and bad no one knows what it brings,
Nothing better than just lying by one side,
Naked in the mind nothing to hide,
There is nothing but to be,
If not blinded its easy to see,
What’s there what’s real?
Many get lost and unsure how they feel,
Afraid to be honest afraid to say,
Calm is best, calm wont betray,
It will never be until it’s lost,
Down upon a drain in the frost,
Arriving from the cold cold night,
And all you want to do is hold hold all night,
The answer is there shining in our face,
But too afraid to let go and feel the empty space,
Must melt away the ego and feel the truth
Hard in age remember your youth,
Sunday, August 01, 2004
1 August 2004 9:46 AM
AM only three months to go and just thinking about it sends shivers through my body, so exciting, i’m ready to go now, but I want to wait a little more just to build it a bit, and I don’t even care about uni any more, all I really care about doing is being in a position to help those who need it, those who don’t have the money to afford what ever it is I can provide, wether it be in photography or psychology, i’m not interesting any more in gaining money, or my own house, or even a relationship, all those things have become secondary, as I know there all nice things of course, but they don’t bring lasting fulfilment or happiness, this has to come from within, with a certain contentment with where one is at the moment, and not looking beyond what one has, or may want next, anything can be updated, exchanged, or replaced, but it if it accomplished your basic needs what difference does it matter how big your TV is or how many rooms in your house
In the end, I will send,
All my love to all, like a soft snow fall,
So gentle and calm, to land upon your arm,
While at first you won’t even notice,
To blossom in you like a lotus,
The beauty which will take a second to feel,
But all you will want to do is give and never steal,
Like the sun fills every corner with heat,
You will drop to your seat,
And remember the sweet,
Nothing could delete,
The feeling from within,
As your mouth will grin,
Without any effort at all,
Able to fill a large hall,
Or even more, forget the race bore,
We all need to take a little more within,
Just to sit and do nothing is not a sin,
Listen to your heart,
Your mind isn’t smart,
Love will conquer all hate,
It’s not worth the state,
Your children will take,
Have a look at what is really at stake,
Don’t be blinded by what you main gain today,
Let your children have a say,
We only have one world to love,
We can fit nicely within one glove,
What will come, and what is real,
Need not worry just notice how you feel,
Allow your understanding to grow,
another day gone in 2004, another 24 hours closer to 2005, I can feel still feel so low, and high sometimes that i’m about to cry in both instances, my fear seems to be delude a little, but maybe i’m just more deluded, a certain kind of brainwashing, upon myself, by myself very genius if you ask me, but I find evidence in each second I breath, in out, in out, very soothing to just watch the breath, and yet so basic, its amazing how simplicity seems to work, maybe just the old theory of chaos and order, but not the other way in this instance, for simplicity never needs complexity to solve, but more simplicity, who knows, but when it comes to cooking its always better to put less in of something then over doing it, you can always add a little latter, but you can never reverse the situation, I am becoming more peaceful, and a guy said in a shop the other day that I looked centred, what does this mean, how does one look, or appear centred, is this reflected in the face, or maybe the eyes, which I find the most fascinating, but have the most trouble looking at in person, but a photo I could look at all day, but its never the same, photos and painting don’t even come close to being there, the same goes for movies, you don’t have the smells or natural sounds of life, recorded sound is so fake, all sound is are waves of vibration, how can vibrations cause such discomfort in people not including ones of extreme volume thou of course, and people keep trying to give me stuff I don’t need, granted I took them in the past but now they seem so empty, and unfulfilling, the more you feed craving the stronger they get, and the more they take a hold of your weak and stupid mind, it would have been so much easier and painless if someone sat you down at about 5 or 6 and said this is how it is, maybe not as fulfilling, maybe because we need to know the why of everything, even when someone tells you not to do something you want to do it just to know why not to do it, may be if everyone was more concerned with what we can do and not with what we cant do then it wouldn’t be an issue, I think some things work backwards round this planet, or maybe i’m backwards, my ideas often conflict with this society, which has an unbelievable amount of misplaced power, it also helps you to find the boundaries quicker when you do wrong
In the end, I will send,
All my love to all, like a soft snow fall,
So gentle and calm, to land upon your arm,
While at first you won’t even notice,
To blossom in you like a lotus,
The beauty which will take a second to feel,
But all you will want to do is give and never steal,
Like the sun fills every corner with heat,
You will drop to your seat,
And remember the sweet,
Nothing could delete,
The feeling from within,
As your mouth will grin,
Without any effort at all,
Able to fill a large hall,
Or even more, forget the race bore,
We all need to take a little more within,
Just to sit and do nothing is not a sin,
Listen to your heart,
Your mind isn’t smart,
Love will conquer all hate,
It’s not worth the state,
Your children will take,
Have a look at what is really at stake,
Don’t be blinded by what you main gain today,
Let your children have a say,
We only have one world to love,
We can fit nicely within one glove,
What will come, and what is real,
Need not worry just notice how you feel,
Allow your understanding to grow,
another day gone in 2004, another 24 hours closer to 2005, I can feel still feel so low, and high sometimes that i’m about to cry in both instances, my fear seems to be delude a little, but maybe i’m just more deluded, a certain kind of brainwashing, upon myself, by myself very genius if you ask me, but I find evidence in each second I breath, in out, in out, very soothing to just watch the breath, and yet so basic, its amazing how simplicity seems to work, maybe just the old theory of chaos and order, but not the other way in this instance, for simplicity never needs complexity to solve, but more simplicity, who knows, but when it comes to cooking its always better to put less in of something then over doing it, you can always add a little latter, but you can never reverse the situation, I am becoming more peaceful, and a guy said in a shop the other day that I looked centred, what does this mean, how does one look, or appear centred, is this reflected in the face, or maybe the eyes, which I find the most fascinating, but have the most trouble looking at in person, but a photo I could look at all day, but its never the same, photos and painting don’t even come close to being there, the same goes for movies, you don’t have the smells or natural sounds of life, recorded sound is so fake, all sound is are waves of vibration, how can vibrations cause such discomfort in people not including ones of extreme volume thou of course, and people keep trying to give me stuff I don’t need, granted I took them in the past but now they seem so empty, and unfulfilling, the more you feed craving the stronger they get, and the more they take a hold of your weak and stupid mind, it would have been so much easier and painless if someone sat you down at about 5 or 6 and said this is how it is, maybe not as fulfilling, maybe because we need to know the why of everything, even when someone tells you not to do something you want to do it just to know why not to do it, may be if everyone was more concerned with what we can do and not with what we cant do then it wouldn’t be an issue, I think some things work backwards round this planet, or maybe i’m backwards, my ideas often conflict with this society, which has an unbelievable amount of misplaced power, it also helps you to find the boundaries quicker when you do wrong
Saturday, July 31, 2004
31 July 2004 9:44 AM
its so easy to find a solution for all of the worlds problems, and comes down to love and compassion, every single person of sound must be able to see the simplicity of this solution, if everyone thought of how there action would effect others first then there would be no need for police or guns, if every one wasn’t so egotistical, and just fucken stupid, fighting over what land, money, or just plain bloody pride, we should all be focusing upon making the world a better place, and begin to think about, if I where to die tomorrow, what is the mos important thing, or things to me, and what would I do, I can definitely tell you it would have nothing to do with harming a single person, because all that counts is a sound mind which arises from knowing your family and friends will be alright, I hope one day that this will become common knowledge, because if people realised that you cant own land, and you cant take money with you when you die, so why bother, people should focus upon what they do take which is there mind, and destroy money, which only has value, for as along as people value it, otherwise its just a piece of paper or plastic, which comes from the ground, just the same as my body and the stars in the sky, which has been on a course for thousands of years, all we have to do is love one another, and forgive, because there is only prolonged suffering by hanging to what people have done, just turn the other cheek, the answer is already here, it so obvious but people seem more involved with themselves, and new cloths and a TV or stereo, what for, I have noticed that over the last few weeks, as soon as people see something on TV or in a magazine they think straight away “I want that”, then they get it and then see a new one and what that, people for heavens sake wake up and see what’s so going, if this is a regular pattern, then you must see its not fulfilling what ever that hole is in you, let go of what is new, and be content with what you have, I’ve also been trying to talk people out of this behaviour ever so slightly, it could even been seen as manipulation, but its for there own good, it has also made me see how easily it is to talk people out of, and into something, as there lead along by a leash, but I will continue to try and people see the truth of this, and its not bound by religion but just sheer logic, if something is not making you happy then the next model isn’t going to accomplish this either. Maybe it comes down to honesty, and silence, the older I get the more I appreciate silence, not to say that I still don’t enjoy noise either, but my appreciation has grown, and i’m more able to see the beauty in silence and nature, i’m no different to this computer or tree outside my window, “Where is the love, where is the truth”, maybe people don’t want to see the truth, or maybe its just true for me, maybe this is just for me or a small few, but please people cant you see that the more you give the more happiness you create, and the less suffering there is in the world, and isn’t this what we should be doing, trying to ease the pain of those in pain, as Buddha said, when one has been hungry, in pain, or poor, how can one just walk past without a thought of compassion, and an offer to relieve even for a small time the suffering, we shouldn’t be fighting or hating, its only bringing down our “civilisation”, assuming that we are civilised, rats treat there own better than what we do, we are all after the one thing, which is happiness, from the smallest to the largest being, from the most visible to invisible, why do people discriminate, just cause your born upon some piece of land, doesn’t mean you belong to just that piece, how foolish can some ideals be, if there was one colour and language, would that make it better us, maybe this would unite us, and may even be one day, as some races genes are more
dominant than others, which will mean as the more and more globalisation takes hold and we blend more and more we will become one, this may help but then our medicine will have to greatly improve, as one race can easily be wiped out by a simple cell, we’ve only got one world, so please people look after it, we are borrowing this from our children’s children, if people took more responsibility, and a little extra thought about the suffering it may cause, it could change the world, and one person cant change the whole world, but they can make a hell of a difference and an impact upon our feeble minds, which could do so much good, if we didn’t focus so much upon greed, hate, revenge, and just harming ourselves
dominant than others, which will mean as the more and more globalisation takes hold and we blend more and more we will become one, this may help but then our medicine will have to greatly improve, as one race can easily be wiped out by a simple cell, we’ve only got one world, so please people look after it, we are borrowing this from our children’s children, if people took more responsibility, and a little extra thought about the suffering it may cause, it could change the world, and one person cant change the whole world, but they can make a hell of a difference and an impact upon our feeble minds, which could do so much good, if we didn’t focus so much upon greed, hate, revenge, and just harming ourselves
Thursday, July 29, 2004
29 July 2004 7:27 AM
it can become quite daunting when you begin to question everything that is around you and yourself as well. Especially when one does not know what is really real, and what is the difference between perception and fact
Saturday, July 24, 2004
24 July 2004 5:18 AM
What’s the point of fighting for land you can’t own,
What’s the point of fighting for gold you can’t keep,
Why do you continue to hurt those at home?
Why can’t you see the pain and tears that they weep?
For what, for what……………………….what’s it all for
we are all just beings after the same thing, why do you think that if you control that bit of land that it will bring you lasting happiness, or you will be happy with more happy, it means more to love and forgive than to kill and harm, if everybody loved and gave all they had there would be no need for greed or stealing or deception for everything one wanted was available, and do you think dying for it means that you win, there is nothing to win or loose, no one owns anything in this world its just on loan, it can all be taken from you in a second, all that matters is love and karma, these are what carry with you always, so don’t be a slave to your weak mind which just deludes and confuses you into likening and distracting you from the truth and false happiness
What’s the point of fighting for gold you can’t keep,
Why do you continue to hurt those at home?
Why can’t you see the pain and tears that they weep?
For what, for what……………………….what’s it all for
we are all just beings after the same thing, why do you think that if you control that bit of land that it will bring you lasting happiness, or you will be happy with more happy, it means more to love and forgive than to kill and harm, if everybody loved and gave all they had there would be no need for greed or stealing or deception for everything one wanted was available, and do you think dying for it means that you win, there is nothing to win or loose, no one owns anything in this world its just on loan, it can all be taken from you in a second, all that matters is love and karma, these are what carry with you always, so don’t be a slave to your weak mind which just deludes and confuses you into likening and distracting you from the truth and false happiness
Thursday, July 08, 2004
8 July 2004 6:25 AM
The world in my hand,
A heart of sand,
The sea in my veins,
A tear in the rain,
The space in my lungs,
A heart of sand,
The sea in my veins,
A tear in the rain,
The space in my lungs,
Sunday, June 27, 2004
27 June 2004 4:43 PM
it is so wonderful to be able to just sit and ponder, with wise reflection the veil of all reality slowly, very very slowly becomes clear, the ability to see everything the way it is, is truly amazing, there is nothing in this world in which I need, nothing nada, nil, zero, its only my body which craves such defilements, such illnesses apart from food, cloths and shelter, I realise now that my nose not knows what is pleasant or not, my ear knows not what is pleasant or not, my tongue knows what is pleasant or not, my mind is the one who has bought me to this hell, the one who desires and longs to pull me down with it, but I say no, not now, and not ever will I let myself become a slave to my mind, I enjoy the battles with my mind, like the day verses the night, cold verses hot, all is starting to unravel, there is nothing one can take into the next life but desire and karma, so why not focus upon these while one is alive, what a waste to spend ones life doing activities which not only reverse this idea, but also mask, and produce denial, and fear of the real universe, not just this planet of causes and conditions but of the whole universe made up of causes and conditions. Such an amazing feeling to live so simply, such freedom, to not have to work or study, everything one needs, one already has, within oneself is the universe, so many things has man made to distract himself from what the truth is, but then when one nears death he is shocked to see the world as it is,
Sunday, June 20, 2004
20 June 2004 10:20 AM
I now can only find peace and happiness in the dhamma which embraces my ears, and eyes, no longer do I see the point in working for my whole life, and for what, and to obtain so little, what is the point I still ask, thou an answer I feel is coming, but will it suffice and quench my fears I doubt it, but there is only one result which can save me now…………………… and only then will I truly be happy and peaceful.
I give myself to you my beloved,
My body to the ground,
My soul to you,
My blood and skin, from the ground within,
My heart and mind, with this ring binds,
My soul and energy, too love and my beloved.
Grateful to see your face,
Within the land,
Inside each sentient being,
I have searched the top,
And bottom of this world,
East and west, when you were always inside,
You are my saviour,
I looked the entire world,
Except within myself,
Now I’ve finally found you,
I give myself to you,
My love and energy to you,
I am the energy,
You the light,
Blocked the clouds bright,
Ignorance makes up all barriers
For eons and eons darkness had ruled,
Until your face I saw,
Didn’t realise how I was fooled,
Surrounded by light in awe.
I see more and myself,
To attain is my only desire,
What has always burned within the fire,
My purpose I may never know,
But my heart feels the truth,
Blinded in my youth,
As each second goes,
My chances slip by,
But my time is nigh,
Can’t help but think why,
How and when,
Will my pain and suffering end?
I will meet the one,
When the time is right,
The final period in sight,
What’s funny, what’s harmful, what’s fearful, what’s annoying, what’s pleasant, what’s not, what tastes good, what tastes bad, how do these arise inside the mind, what determines the food I like, or the entertainment I wish to partake in, what’s the difference, the mind is weak and needs constant awareness and concentration, every second allows it to wander to where it shouldn’t, and causes more subfreezing, everything needs to be done in moderation, not to low or not to high, once you indulge you become weak, and once you refrain for to long you become weak, this is not ideal, and includes anything, food, entertainment, lust, anger, fear,
I give myself to you my beloved,
My body to the ground,
My soul to you,
My blood and skin, from the ground within,
My heart and mind, with this ring binds,
My soul and energy, too love and my beloved.
Grateful to see your face,
Within the land,
Inside each sentient being,
I have searched the top,
And bottom of this world,
East and west, when you were always inside,
You are my saviour,
I looked the entire world,
Except within myself,
Now I’ve finally found you,
I give myself to you,
My love and energy to you,
I am the energy,
You the light,
Blocked the clouds bright,
Ignorance makes up all barriers
For eons and eons darkness had ruled,
Until your face I saw,
Didn’t realise how I was fooled,
Surrounded by light in awe.
I see more and myself,
To attain is my only desire,
What has always burned within the fire,
My purpose I may never know,
But my heart feels the truth,
Blinded in my youth,
As each second goes,
My chances slip by,
But my time is nigh,
Can’t help but think why,
How and when,
Will my pain and suffering end?
I will meet the one,
When the time is right,
The final period in sight,
What’s funny, what’s harmful, what’s fearful, what’s annoying, what’s pleasant, what’s not, what tastes good, what tastes bad, how do these arise inside the mind, what determines the food I like, or the entertainment I wish to partake in, what’s the difference, the mind is weak and needs constant awareness and concentration, every second allows it to wander to where it shouldn’t, and causes more subfreezing, everything needs to be done in moderation, not to low or not to high, once you indulge you become weak, and once you refrain for to long you become weak, this is not ideal, and includes anything, food, entertainment, lust, anger, fear,
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
15 June 2004 11:02 AM
just as I sit here in bed, in Mt Waverley, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, the earth, I cant but help think what its all about, what really does it matter, what difference does it make what it is I do, I sit here and look at my fingers, are they mine, do I really own them, I can move them, and they can cause me great pain, and yet they are constantly changing, and aging, what difference does it make what I do, what is the point of all this, what happens tomorrow, who knows, but what I know is now and now is all I have and the only time i’m actually alive is now, not yesterday, or tomorrow, i’m not alive tomorrow, or though I may be living tomorrow, and yesterday which has been, I lived, i’m not alive yesterday, people seem so hell bent on criticising everyone else, its so easy to criticise, why don’t YOU FUCKEN DO SOMETHING TO HELP, what difference does it make, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get greedy, I get hungry, I get full, I get afraid, I get disgusted, and yet I don’t know who or what I am, I have so many labels, and am so confused, I still don’t understand what, why I am here, why is all of this here what difference does it make, sometimes I just feel what’s the point, what’s the bloody difference………………
Sunday, June 13, 2004
13 June 2004 10:45 AM
I think I finally know why people do become associated with and some even join the monastics way of life, as they begin to realise the dhamma, you realise the negative in the world, and how people are struggling to keep there head above the water, I myself have even been a part of this in the past but now just tend to keep my mouth shut, but people are so judgemental of people, and are constantly putting others down, whether they know them or not, but they still feel the need to tell everyone what they think of that person, who really cares how smart, beautiful, or talented, shouldn’t it just consist of whether that person is a good person or not, shouldn’t honesty, compassion and love be a guide for people, not such shallow emptiness, and to get away from such behaviour would also be a relief, its also daunting thinking about what one will do with the rest of ones life, and I know I couldn’t do the one job for the rest of my life, which could also conflict with the monastery, but in hindsight, there would be happiness and far far far less grief being in a temple
Monday, June 07, 2004
7 June 2004 5:06 AM
when one begins the path of the eightfold path, and attempts to change his or her life around to a spiritual one, there are many emotions attached to this experience, as I guess many human experiences endure, but they are felt so deeply its as though you become that emotion in every cell of your being, you think, feel and act solely on its energy, the problem is it can be both positive and negative, especially when one doesn’t yet have the practice or wisdom to delve deeper into, and beyond, this is not just a Buddhist situation either, but plain and simple a religious one, and is really only significant for those on a spiritual path, as many people are either born into a religion and unfortunately they never really investigate there own religion or anything spiritual at all, or they care not for what is right in front of them and choose to ignore what they either cant see or fear, and end up filling there lives with so much crap that in the end they really do have no time for spiritual growth which is a real shame, because this is what makes you grow as a human being, and gives you the ability for compassion, empathy and a connection between your fellow man which is already there and has been for ever and will always be there, this body we have comes from the ground and will eventually return, and be born again, it is not permanent and what is impermanent is empty, for it is not permanent, and permanent is not form, only that which is permanent, is impermanence. I must admit though there was time when I was younger that I was not in favour of any spirituality or form of organised religion, as they all seemed so hypocritical, until of course when I actually made an effort to investigate upon my own, and shake the veil of ignorance, instead of running and being afraid, I just stopped and sat quite for a while until I could look upon my own mind and see it for what it is, though with guidance of course I did this, and with a little help from the school counsellor, who allowed me to get so much shit off my chest, in which I had never let out before, and when I realised that what ever your trouble or fear is, its never as bad as you would think when you face it, especially with the aid of spiritual practice and wisdom, we all have weakness some of course are easier to deal with than others, though nothing is new, what ever your problem, its arisen and been dealt with before, by a lot more people than you would think, and were expected to fall off every now and then, unless you have joined the monastic life, then there will be consequences for your actions, but there is less distraction, and just plain rubbish, so there is less temptation, but needs such strength and ability to be able to spend such large amounts of time with him/herself, without the distractions, its not so bad doing a couple of days here and there, when you know it will be over again, but I must attempt it again, and feel that this is the only way I will find meaning within my own life, along with fasting as well which is also an amazing experience, almost as though your teasing the beast from within to venture out and show itself, this is when your strength and its weakness are at its most prominent and visible, its rather exciting, when one knows what to expect, ………………………………. Maybe this is where fear comes from, this is very interesting, fear obviously comes from a lack of knowledge, uncertainty, and inexperience, so why do we constantly stay within this state when the answers, experience, wisdom, knowledge are out here, spirituality is now my key to happiness, guidance, experience, knowledge, wisdom, and help………………………………..
Sunday, June 06, 2004
6 June 2004 10:38 AM
interesting to read back upon my time on meditation, very interesting, I wish to go back, and go upon another, so rewarding and peaceful on your own, but very handy with a monk around to guide and teach one who is at the bottom, and you soon realize that there is nothing bad in the world, especially when one knows of karma, and that there are no bad days, just bad actions, and that there is no destiny which one can choose or change or your destiny is your destiny, all that changes is what one believes there destiny to be, which is of course guided by your karma, so indirectly one can influence ones fate so to speak, but i’m looking forward to my time at the end of exams to get away for a while down to the beach on my own, and do a juice fast for a couple of days which will also be a learning experience
Saturday, June 05, 2004
5 June 2004 10:37 AM
a decree I must give here, no longer will I ever do anything to cause harm to any living being, seen or not, big or small, strong or weak, far or near, for I fear more than any punishment in which one could give in this world, there is nothing that I would dare say to purposely harm one or another, but from honesty and what small amount of wisdom, and compassion that I have will all that I say be grown, even though many people find it hard to take any amount of criticism, no matter how helpful it could be, everything should be taken from the centre of ones mind, and not be self centred, otherwise nothing from anyone will be taken aboard, but I would be thankful if someone where to reveal my faults to me so that I could go back and work upon them, to improve and be able to help others, isn’t this logical, and practical, why be afraid of imperfection, when perfection doesn’t exist, but already perfect, one can not be perfect, as one already is, as one attempts to become perfect they in effect become imperfect, in all the magazines today people are awarded for there beauty and basically the death of the body, all your skin, hair and nails, are already dead and are being discarded as they become redundant, and yet this is what we see as beautiful, yuk, yuk, what hypocrisy, really when you think about it, it is quite disgusting, and people spend so much on plastic surgery that in the end not only makes them not look beautiful, but fake, not real, bogus, phony, a sham, counterfeit, in effect lying to yourself and all those around you, that doesn’t make sense when you know what I know, thou I do understand, but I guess why the hell should I care anyway, they can do what ever they want. But I would like if they were able to see what it is I’ve been shown, and found, to be the truth……………… hopefully they will see one day, and we can all live in harmony…………………………
Thursday, June 03, 2004
3 June 2004 9:21 AM
it’s interesting to note, how can one be lost when one knows not of own origin, or destination. This doesn’t make sense does it, its also interesting to note, when one finally realizes the truth how simple it is, but also how weak, and wrong one has been, i’m also beginning to understand more the rules or guidelines in which Buddha laid down so long ago, because you then do nothing wrong, even if you don’t do what was said, but just do what he said not to do, saves so much heartache
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
2 June 2004 12:00 PM
just realized another great insight into the Buddha himself, and Buddhism, I have finally realized why its not a religion, such as those that exist now, nowhere does the Buddha saw follow me, or that he was right, though with wisdom, and practice one begins to realize how right the great Buddha was, and will always be, never interested in ceremonies, traditions, or religious festivals, but only in the way the world and life is, the truth doesn’t need to be believed, it’s the truth, the truth is known, because it is and always will be the way of life, I now have gone beyond belief, but know the Buddha was, and will always be right, my investigation is finally over HOORAY……………………..
it has taken me not only my whole life to finally find the way back to the eight fold path, but with my investigation which began about six years ago has finally succeeded, and a great burden lifted from my mind and body, the Buddha did not teach a religion, but the truth as it is, and the method for enlightenment, which can be attained by any who follow no matter what religion, but one doesn’t also need to become a monk or a nun to attain, though this is obviously the easiest way to attain liberation, as all external factors are removed, and one has finally let go of all worldly desires and delusions, the truth doesn’t change, and is timeless, I now know Buddha and his teachings which have been named Buddhism but need not be labelled as such, as the Buddha himself was not interested in labels, but the truth which is like the sun shinning down, and all around, one doesn’t believe the sun is yellow, or that grass is green, but knows it to be, there is a big difference, but can only be found for me, by the road I have been upon, and the investigation in which I undertook, not knowing where it lead me, and still not knowing where I will end up, but my confidence is steadily growing, and when all weaknesses arise and fears, I know it is the mind and if I continue I will break its hold, and the wall of delusion, but I still have far far far more places to travel,………………………………
it has taken me not only my whole life to finally find the way back to the eight fold path, but with my investigation which began about six years ago has finally succeeded, and a great burden lifted from my mind and body, the Buddha did not teach a religion, but the truth as it is, and the method for enlightenment, which can be attained by any who follow no matter what religion, but one doesn’t also need to become a monk or a nun to attain, though this is obviously the easiest way to attain liberation, as all external factors are removed, and one has finally let go of all worldly desires and delusions, the truth doesn’t change, and is timeless, I now know Buddha and his teachings which have been named Buddhism but need not be labelled as such, as the Buddha himself was not interested in labels, but the truth which is like the sun shinning down, and all around, one doesn’t believe the sun is yellow, or that grass is green, but knows it to be, there is a big difference, but can only be found for me, by the road I have been upon, and the investigation in which I undertook, not knowing where it lead me, and still not knowing where I will end up, but my confidence is steadily growing, and when all weaknesses arise and fears, I know it is the mind and if I continue I will break its hold, and the wall of delusion, but I still have far far far more places to travel,………………………………
Sunday, May 30, 2004
30 May 2004 8:24 AM
here I am again, how are ya, not bad thanks, that’s good, I still have trouble understanding why people are so quick to anger, and hold onto it, and I’ve also had enough of pop culture, while i’m here I might as well tell it like it is, why do people get so sucked into the crap, is it because they don’t want to deal with the reality that it will all soon be over, so that they have to fill there lives with so much shit that they really don’t have time to, even thou that’s a choice somewhere along the line, I must admit it isn’t the easiest thing to do, everyone seems to say that they know this and that means jack, and yet they still go and choose to live their life the same way, how does that work, I keep thinking why are you working, why are trying to buy a house, why do you want a new car, why do you want that new phone, or sandwich maker, or new small knick knacks on the TV, or that new piece of clothing, its all such a load of rubbish, and then I wonder, everyone is so worried about what others are thinking about them, no one actually has time to think about what others are doing anyway, so its such a load of rubbish, and i’m getting so sick of it all, everything in western society is hypocritical, they say one thing and do another why, or is the mind that amazing, and good at deceiving, I know what ajahn bramavamso would say, and that’s just a straight out yes, though I still have that fear that can strike you down anywhere and cut through like a hot butter knife, which I may never be able to fully cover, but I will worry bout that later, for now I have to practice more, and finish uni and save my cash for my trip to Thai in about six months, I will be booking my holiday, or salvation homecoming in about a month or two, so I would like to pay off my credit card before I go also which would mean I have nothing keeping me here, or there and I can go anywhere, it would make it so much easier if I knew what my purpose was, cause then I could get busy doing that straight away and stop wasting my time if that’s what i’m doing now but who is to know such things ay, but one day I will know and hopefully its not to late, so that i’m able to fully perform to the best of my abilities, sometimes I think it would be so much easier if you never new like the animals, but maybe they do know when its going to happen and just accept it, but how do they do it, they have fear and anger also, and yet you never see an animal struck down by depression or such problems, or do they have a better understanding than what we do of the way things work, with life and such things in which we waste so much of our time doing when it means nothing in the end, why do people work there whole lives doing things they hate, just to spend there time drinking on the weekend, and then spending all there week doing shit they hate, please explain…………………….! Why why why, it don’t make no sense, maybe cause its because i’m young I don’t know, there is so much I don’t understand, so so so so much, and will not even learn one billionth of what there is to know in this universe, or maybe its not about the quantity but the quality of what I know, maybe this is why i’m am to be a monk to know what needs to be known, not just useless information that runs round the world, and that drugs are even a bandaid, there not even a light covering bandage, for a gaping wound, but just some king of time delay, it still does kinda freak me out that it will happen to me in the end, cause I’ve known nothing else, so its not alright but you can accept it so much easier when its someone else, but when you think about your own its quite daunting, and just the fear of it being the absolute darkness, and the end, but who knows till you give it a go yourself, that’s why sometimes I think I should wish for a real painful end so that i’m more willing to go on to the next transformation, but then I think about you should be careful of what you wish for cause it never seems to go right or be what you expect, and no doubt that living in constant debilitating pain would not be easy, but would be a good test for the mind to separate itself, and realize that when you are actually in pain, its never your mind that hurts or feels, but its only your body that actually suffers, is really an interesting point that has just come to my attention, especially since I had such an amazing meditation experience when I felt so ill that I thought I was going to be sick, because of the pain I felt in my ass from my meditation stool, that I just had to quit, normally I give up long before that, maybe i’m pushing my body more and more, maybe over the limit but it is a good experience, even though I know Buddha said it was unnecessary to push the body but I find some comfort in being able to have more control over the body even thou we really have very little control in the first place, I have so many questions, but they will be answered in good time, and hopefully I’m able to deal with the reality, and even able to recognise it when it arises but soon, very soon,…………………………………………
Saturday, May 29, 2004
29 May 2004 8:34 AM
AM yet closer to my departure to home, and I find myself coming closer to the final judgment, and I realise that happiness isn’t in the world I’m living in at the moment, without meditation, and the following the path set forth by the great noble awakened and enlightened one the great Buddha, who I would have loved to meet, thou I will wish to meet an enlightened being, or an arhant, which would be an amazing experience, and depression seems to becoming the biggest sickness in the world, well the western one any way, probably due its capitalist ideal, and money worshipping which wish to escape ASAP, but it can come from anything, or arrive anytime, anywhere, having suffered a couple of bouts, thou Buddha named it samvega, which was so bad that I felt I couldn’t go on, the first week was bad, and then the second week, was a hundreds times worse, unable to eat or sleep, with so much fear and anxiety I’ve felt only once or twice before when I was ten and 17, now 24, thou 23 when the last bout occurred, struck with such an overwhelming flood of emotions that sucked me down into an abyss that was complete darkness all around, and only could see the light again thanks to “big Russ”, and the venerable Bhante Thitinyana, who not only calmed me, but grabbed me from the falling branch and just held me there so I could gain my balance and stand up again, so that I could breathe and stop my self from screaming, a whole week, from were I couldn’t sleep, or eat, and with such an anxiety that I was nauseous and vomiting, and had such a huge blockage in my chest, as thou a watermelon was trying to burst out through my throat and couldn’t move on my own, and all I kept feeling was that I needed to cry and just release and relax a bit more and just calm down and stop hyperventilating so I could stop for a second and think a new thought, which had been a while, just the one word over and over again can get so boring, but so fearful and painful, and then meeting ajahn kalyano, and then ajahn bramavamso, they saved my life, and have made me consider my future in monastic life even more, its always been in the back of mind, even thou during high school it was more about being a brother thou, due to the influence of the school of course, thou once I left and was able to discover my own path, becoming a monk has always been a constant rock in every path I walk along, not big enough to be a wall and inhibit what ever I was doing at that moment but enough of a bump in the road to remind, and yet unlike most other things, I don’t fully grasp what it actually is that I feel, to even consider not only a monastic life but to have found such a religion which hardly anybody has even known, let alone read a book upon, I’ve always considered my self different and have never known why, maybe this has something to do with it, maybe I was a monk in a past life, or even just a follower, and that in this life I am to become one, but I can finally see what Buddha was trying to explain to the world, and also don’t understand why people who have read and discovered his teachings, that they also don’t follow, it just seems so obvious to me as soon as I read the first few pages of a book upon his life and teachings everything began to click and fall in place, maybe because I’ve heard it before, or maybe because it’s the truth in all its glory, with no polish, or décor to cover the “ugliness” which westerners are reluctant to talk about, but really in the end who is to say what will happen, but what ever happens was already in the works so to speak, maybe I have some other purpose but I will certainly be doing retreats each year for the rest of my life, my annual medicine, just like the flu shot, thou I have many mistakes in the past due to my ignorance and misunderstandings
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
26 May 2004
just another six months to go until I can go overseas, and for salvation, even thou its probably not an essential thing, or it maybe, depending on if I comeback, from my home to my new home, it almost feels like i’m igniting an old flame, while this I use to light my way to the old and continue upon my path which I was distracted from for so long, but I also almost wish for bad things to occur, because no matter what has happened I have gained great insight from, almost as thou they are all planned in advance for me to become the person I will end up becoming, and I can feel my faith and hope, and refuge is growing at a great pace, the more and more I meditate and listen to dhamma talks the more I feel its truth, its no longer about knowing but just feeling and being, and after going on a one day retreat and listening to a few talks at the bsv by ajahn brahmavamso, another disciple of ajahn chah, who must have been the most amazing monk, I wish I had had the chance to meet him, and listen to him in person, even thou he didn’t speak English, it would have been an awesome experience, but I hope to find another teacher who may already be in this country, but I still feel I must return home first and travel for a while before I try the life of a monastic, if i’m aloud, or accepted, depending upon how I will cope, but I will give it another go in a month for a few days on my own, and no food at the end of my exams, just as another test and experience to learn from hopefully I can find a nice place upon my own, which should be easy seeing as its winter and hardly anyone travels to the beach then, but it will be good to get away from everything again for a couple of days, maybe 4 or 5 days which will be really good, even thou it was the original idea which I had wanted to do earlier but a samvega incident arose so I had to deter my plans for a while but that will make this experience a lot better, but sometimes I feel my meditation has become stagnant as I always just attain the same level, and i’m unable to arise above it, but I try to not focus upon anything but the breath and just relax, sometimes I get frustrated when the constant chatter doesn’t leave, but I do find some moments of just peace and bliss which is why I continue but also because it helps with many other aspects also which is very helpful, I still cant wait till the end of the year thou, if I could find out my exam timetable that would be so helpful now cause I could plan stuff……………………………….......soon I will be home………………………………..
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.
I must say thou I am finding peace within my self and a great deal of happiness and a final letting go of all the pain, which has dogged me for years, and just a love for all beings, and selling of my guitars and getting rid of even more trash, I have barely anything left but music, books and clothes, and of course my bed, the rest can go for all I care, they are a burden on my soul, as it tries to fly and drop the dust, as the dark clouds clear and leave more and more gaps for the truth to shine through and fill my heart with purity, and a want to help others see the dhamma and how the world truly is, not just how we want to see it, and wish it to be, but soon we will all see one day wether were ready or not, at that point of letting go again and hopefully attain what will be true happiness…………………
Let the rain fall upon my head,
Don’t always believe what you’ve read,
Go and see for yourself,
The heart contains all your wealth,
Stop looking out for the answer within,
Nothing can be lost so how can you win,
We delude our self so why listen so much to everyone,
Don’t just be a sheep in the herd under the sun.
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