Virus to be cured- STOP DREAMING START LIVING

Thursday, December 29, 2005

WILL THE BLEEDING STOP

I’m standing on the edge of the cliff,
I’m sorry I had to leave you again,
But I know I will hold you again,
I just cant wait to hold you again,
If only I could explain,
So that you would understand,
But I cant put into words what my heart feels,
Inside is so warm, but outside so cold,
Inside is so tired, but outside so raw,
Maybe its not the words that counts,
But the ways you feel me feel you,
I’m spinning around on the inside,
So fast I cant see where I am,
Who is there to help me,
Who is there who cares,
What difference does it matter,
I can do upon which I need,
What I want needs to match,
All you need is love,
As they say nothing else matters,
Its taken years and years, and one day with you,
For me to understand, how lucky I can be,
Feel sorry for those who never will,
But I will try and do what I can,
How much better is an orchestra,
Than a single musician,
How much better is a field of roses,
Than a single petal,
Don’t be alarmed, the truth is not always pleasant,
In fact it isn’t anything but just is,
We worry about the future, because we think it may cause more suffering, but there is suffering in everything, good and bad are just judgments, based upon our own benefit, or of that of others, we all think that we have so much control, but how much control do we have, so very very little its unbelievable, its hard enough to control our own mind, let alone our bodies or what others are doing, if we all could look inside and control our own thoughts then evolution could occur instantaneously, like a switch.

WHERE AM I GOING

Aries “The emphasis is on travel. You go to relatives and they come to you. You’ll go through money but we all do at Christmas. Unfortunately the money you spend is meant for other things- there are bills associated with the government. Contact with interstate or overseas which is normal for this time of year. Your love stars are only fair. You’re the flavour of the month with someone and they rate highly with you but that’s as far as it goes. So if you were hoping for moments of ecstasy you can just about forget it.”

WHAT CONTROL

ah what a wonderful world we live in, its amazing how the world works, and you just need to wait for what you need, and what you want is just a bonus, its amazing when it all just fits in place, and you really don’t even have to do anything, what control do we have, I don’t even want it really, its much better when you just go with the flow, don’t try to swim against the tide, but just relax, when inside is set and calm, then the outside will follow, I know that every time I stop reading my book I end up doing some harm to some one, but then maybe I just forget, or just damn fucken lazy, “all a nigga really needs is just a little bit, not a lot baby girl just a little bit” 50 cent. The happier you are with less, the longer it will last, and the amount of stress you suffer will be so much less, so much less, there is a lesson each day, it wether we can see, understand, or use it to our advantage or that of someone else, what we want is a funny, thing thou it may not always be for out benefit, well by our limited judgment any way of the present moment, it’s a choice how you feel tis moment, don’t let others control your happiness, and don’t let the world bring you down, now i’m not in a place I enjoy, but I still have fun, and use it as best as I can, because I know soon I will be where I wanna be, and even thou it may not work or even be as I wish it to be, its still going to be better in my “life situation”, even thou I may own less now, I don’t care for such empty belongings, they cause more grief in the long run, and increase the difficultness, and time of other more beneficial projects, and when you bask in the silence you realize how useless your thought can be and how negative, useless, pain in the ass they are, bringing you down from the inside, your own mind in the end harms its own host, and I’ve seen that rich or poor, own a lot or nothing, its still so amazing the power it has, and basically they are still on the same level, and there for there growth will always be limited, and I’ve seen the power of music, and tradition with its ceremonies, I know I will always be alright and probably with a level of laziness but I will always do what I have to do, and a few that I don’t, for the benefit of the universe, I wonder if karma belongs beyond this world and runs through entwined with the whole universe, I will be alright, and I will only grow, just as long as I can keep reading, and I have to stay focused, not so much on my goals but on the inside the rest will follow if I keep the inside on check, and nothing else will matter

MY CONFESSION

well a lots certainly gone down since the last two years when I started this shit, and it feels like a lot has changes, and a lot has been resolved, and questions answered, but there are still a lot worse on the inside, which for some reason maybe I don’t wish to deal with, for what reason I don’t know at the moment, but I hope its just a little extra ingredients to bring me closer to that beautiful cake, which who knows how it will turn out, and who knows what will happen next, at least in the short term I can answer that here, and I hope it will become more and more like that, who will know what will happen and how things will turn out, I hope that it is for the better, and it all really is in your head, I still think what is the point, maybe I will always, and then I remember my promise, and my faith, and of course the point is life, that is all there is, I just I hope I can turn it around to be a positive which it isn’t at the moment, well not to much any way, but that will change as soon as I can start making some money and I hope that this time will pass, and be a gateway to benefit many many more people than just myself,, I just wish I could leave now,, but then that wont help anyone, just as long as I can save heaps and heaps of money, and all I have to do is wait this one year out, that’s all, that will be the hardest part, and I will need a lot of help, but I will manage I’ve done it before, and I don’t care about anything else at the moment, probably not good but I cant help it at the moment with this pain in my heart, where did it come from, I have felt this before but it was helped by a few little extra ingredients I don’t wish for any more, how come nothing can be done without any pain, there is always suffering in everything I do, Buddha is always right, again and again, its all a mystery, to me, if I could take all the emotion,, and fear out of the equation then there would be no pain, and i’m in my own jail, but I know how to beat it, well not beat but work through it or whatever, I know all the answers I have already, I just need to find them and probably more to the point is to understand them, salvation is within, get busy living, or get busy dying, I guess I cant complain, I just need a start and then I can go and smash it, once I start I will be alright and will be able to focus upon what I need to do now, and I wont have to feel so shit, and on the verge of the gaping casim which has always been my way I guess, maybe I should change it, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this wont last.

“I’ve got another confession to make, I’m your fool.” Foo fighters.

Trapped between two worlds, with no way out,
I’m not going to cry or even shout,
I’ve gotta keep going for the promised I made,
There are no guarantees, for even best plans laid,
I want to know what the darkness is for,
Only the light can tell me any more,
The hole is getting heavier, and darker,
This will only make it easier, and quicker,
When the switch is flicked, and I fall over the edge,
The heaven will be ripped, and rain with a sledge,
Break the chains I tied myself,
Breaking my own health

FOR NOW

well everything is going alright at the moment I think, but every time I seem to think something radical happens and just fucks me up, but that’s okay I’ve got some shit going here that I keep doing for a while and actually achieve something and improve myself, and my life skills.

MY GOALS

these are my goals now in writing for what will occur over the next 25 years.
1 year - $10, 000 + home
2 - 3 years - $15, 000 + permanent residence, job
4 – 5 years - homes + car + motorbike + shop + bar + flats (some business)
10 years – school and/or chang reserve
20 years – orphanage
25 years – school and/or chang reserve

VERY JUICY

cool, wet, but what a week, a new job, not easy but then it is I guess, probably the easiest one I’ve had, but its also fun, but I cant see myself doing it for 2 years, going to WA would be pretty sweet, if I can get some mega cash, that would be so sweet, but i’m only physically tired, and still very much on track but just checking my avenues to see where I can be a better whore I guess, and get the big bucks, which is my dream, so a couple of years of that and it would be so sweet after that, very juicy in deed, but who knows.

MY PATH

its so weird thinking back and about the all the stuff that’s happened, but now I fee so goal orientated, so much since I first wanted to go to Thailand, and now I just want to work even harder and make more money so I can set my self up for the rest of my life, which would be so cool, and then I can take it easy, and wont have to worry to much about anything, so if I can get a job and open up a small shop or something and get a couple of businesses going that would be sweet, so then the whole family can work easier and every one will be happy, i’m very excited to start another chapter in my life post-Thailand, this is just the building stage where I can begin to make the foundations and if I can last the next 2 years everything would be so sweet, I can build my own house run a few businesses and work as well, so then I wont have to worry to much about money, but one step at a time, I’ve just got to stay focused and everything will turn out just great, i’m looking forward to the new challenge, and making enough money now by Christmas to be set up and then one more year just for insurance and just stick it in the bank, and everything will be sweet for all parties, so i’m fairly happy to be given the opportunity to do this I know I will succeed, will be so good, just to learn and meet heaps of people I wont have to work hard and I can just take it easy and its only 2 years but its also weird thinking about then next couple years and how they will plan out, I just I can complete my journey so that all will prosper

FOR BEYOND

home, Melbourne, cold, very very cold, I now have a goal, something finally to achieve, that is far greater than, and with a lot of help from the Lord Buddha, I will no doubt achieve my end point and be able to provide for all concerned, and beyond, and I make this promise to the Holy Spirit, of all the universe that I will conquer this hill, no matter how high and mighty my will never lack or dimmer all problems will be solved quickly and each step is another closer to home, this will be done by the whole universe coming together and I will not stop.

THE DIFFERENCE

home, warm, having goals is a big difference, to have something to achieve, is a big difference, otherwise it can be hard, to figure out what’s the point of it all if there’s nothing you want or if you have no dreams what’s the point, now I hope that I can make it so by the time i’m 50 I can relax and take it easy I’ve also realised what’s the point also in not working in just staying home all day if I wanted to do that I then would just become a monk but I know to do is to be, and to be is to do, and life isn’t about working your life but making fun to enjoy everything one does its all just a state of mind and mines changed a lot, GODDBYE TIL NEXT YEAR.

FINALLY I KNOW

home, it’s a relief to finally have goals, and that I don’t need to wait 25 years for em, but now I will be able to develop and build a life for myself, within five years, and know with luck, that I will be set for a fair while, which will be a relief, thou most things aren’t final yet of course but at least now I know what direction i’m going in, and what I need to do, one step at a time, but I can only rely upon myself to get what I want, but I know if it doesn’t work, my chance of happiness is gone, NONSELF SUFFERING IMPERMANECE, I will win with the holy spirit one day but not until I help those that I have given to, to save from

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

going home in a week, it was always bound to end some day, but for the first time in my life I’ve actually got goals, and ones I know is just a matter of time, and I know what it is I have to do to make it all happen, with a little more info I’ll be set, and wont have to worry, it wont matter, easy/ hard, I will just do, and not to be lazy, but remember what for, at least I will be a lot more prepared next time, and more wiser I hope, but then I will also be bale to prepare for my new life, to follow and be reborn again, like Saladin and Gibreel hopefully thou not the same way, but who knows what’s going to happen next, just wish to gain some cash and do it all again.

WHAT AM I DOING

, home, how can I plan anything when I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

MY DREAM

shop, i’m finally resigned to going home in 3 months, but its all been good, and now I HAVE A DREAM, which if reached, will set me up for a long time, but now I can focus upon a goal, nothing will be wasted, and if I can work, even more, and get some cash quick, I’ll be back in no time, able to retire and take care of everything.

BODY ART

27 hours work, what have I done and what will I do, nothing can be taken for granted and I can rely only on others for what can I do for myself here very little do I still follow what I did before there is little I need and even less that I want its becoming easier to give in, but not given up, I have no idea where i’m heading, or even what will happen tomorrow, there’s still too much pain, I need to let of and fear, and release all that makes one angry, Restraint, Forgiveness, solving the root problem.

FROM HOME TO HOME

22 hours work, home, maybe its time I went home, and work for a while, I’ve finally got some goals now, just work and save for a couple of years, then I can come and live, and own a house and a bar, and a shop and I’ll have 3 incomes, hopefully which would be good, which means hopefully I’ll set for a while, and I wont have to worry about money again, but for how long I can go, do I try and do it quick, or do I just wait a little longer, just as long as I keep it fun and keep my mind, what i’m after then it wont be a problem it will soon be over everything passes and I don’t need to spend much by keeping my expenses down I’ll be able to do more hopefully quicker but will see how we go who knows what will happen.

WHAT TO DO

home, 18.5 hours work. Warm/ wet, I just don’t know what to do with my life, no money and no idea, what to do next, or even more, what’s going to happen next, but I know what’s more important than anything, and such an important time, I must keep a clear mind, what to do what to do, maybe I can just wait and see I need to keep a level head and just relax and see how things go.

SABIE SABIE

home , sabie sabie, never has everything been so clear, all of my troubles belong to my mind, and exist only in my mind, all of my anger only exists because I let it, but why has it taken me 25 years, to see it, and all of my pain I have caused is because of fear and yet what am I afraid of, I still don’t know because my mind is so small but my consciousness can fill the universe I realise I have nothing to give, but love because all else is empty but to give this needs truth otherwise you cant make love, but it makes you, all other emotions exist inn the mind only, and that’s where they belong because, the only emotion that the mind needs to exist true love has no place but all other emotions arise in the mind, Jesus said love thy neighbour and love thy enemy for the first time I really miss my parents, I miss that unconditional love, cause its fucken hard to find, so many people here are just after money, but I can understand why they long for all the shit i’m willing to give up, but not all of it, what the hell is there to be afraid of, the best thing that has happened is that my different fears have diminished because really what the fuck do you have to fear when you break away from the ego, you realise just how fucken shit and how much you have people close to you, for nothing but fear but you learn what have you got fear for, other than the burning flame, or boiling there is nothing but shit, there’s only one person that controls your emotions and it’s the unconsciousness, mind.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

(Bangkok), hotel Nobel, warm, I see how each encounter and action allows me to see more and more without this time here who knows how long the suffering would continue I understand now that its just as much my fault as hers if not more, how important it is to care and give more instead of being so selfish and thinking of myself, I need to care and do it now before its to late, and it destroys itself, I need to give more, and make space, for emptiness for the pain to enter before we can be free, we have so much work to do, and nothing is being done, make the one your with the most important person and care with care love and compassion will follow and fill those you are with, be the light yourself, don’t wait for others to follow but just be and accept understanding will follow empathy/ understanding watching the mind, knowing knowing, knowing, impermanence, nonself, suffering, awareness, happiness from within oneself be the Buddha, by changing your own being by practising these qualities people will follow and change with you or they will run and hide.

PENANG

(Bangkok), Penang, rainforest restaurant, wet/warm, stuck again in a place I don’t really want to be, wet and warm, watching fish swim by me as drops fall upon my head, wondering what i’m doing here, where am I going, think I’ve resigned to the fact that I don’t really care anymore, just as long as i’m happy having fun, and know one is getting hurt, it’s the same crazy shit I’ve done and gone thru and don’t suspect it to change, for as long as I don’t change my scene, but its fun, well most of the time anyway, but its all suffering no matter what we choose to, do or not do, its all just a matter of mind, no matter where you are or what you do so what, difference does it make or what you do, as long as you’re not causing any suffering, or harm in any way, and help those you can, this is what matters, unconditional love for all beings, with an understanding of what is and why, and an understanding of silence, this is the first step the rest will follow. I should be more grateful for the times of peace I do have, and use them a little more wisely, i’m also staring to see more how the mind doesn’t enjoy the present and hopefully only one more whole day with two sleeps to go then I can go home again.

WAITING WAITING WAITING

(Malaysia, this is just because its Friday 13, but its amazing how they can build a massive shopping centre similar to chaddy but be surrounded by such poverty, its really quite amazing, to see how big the difference can be and who are the ones really shopping here there and must be a lot of Chinese here but its also funny to see how little there is to do here. Its funny how many nights I have had here on my own in the last 6 months just in a hotel room on my own with nothing to do but wait.

THE DOOR IS OPEN

Malaysia, Penang, hotel Nobel, warm, you would not believe the shit I’ve gone thru over the last 6 months, its been incredible, and I still don’t believe half the shit that has happened, from one day to the next you never know what’s going to happen, sometimes I still have to remind myself where I am, and what kind of shit that has happened, and the people I’ve met, and what I’ve seen its been crazy. I still see I have a lot of work to do, on the inside especially positive forgiveness and to be more understanding, think for a minute about why and what and how. I’m still quite surprised by the difference between countries right next door to Thailand seems to have so much more there seems to be so little maybe communism/ Muslims should get together a little more often both seem similar or maybe its just because of its popularity which is also obviously influenced by its government/ religion seeing as Thais seem to do what ever they want.

WHY OH WHY

14.5 hours work.

ENJOY THE PAIN

11.5 hours done with a lot of pain, and suffering but its been fun, watching and learning with a lot done, quickly much quicker than before, I can feel my leg and body are lot more tired, but last night was fun, going Bangla, Tai Pan, again so many ladies its unbelievable and yet there where so many before i’m glad I was able to see it most of it all before.

PAIN WHAT PAIN

8 hours of work already and so much pain.

WHAT HAVE I DONE

, shop, I’ve definitely got myself into some crazy shit who would have thought shit would end up like this crazy and could never even dream up shit like this ever what the hell am I doing with my life what are you supposed to do with it that also freaks me out people keep saying what are you doing with your life are you happy now, are you happy with this, as thou there’s something more, what else could you want I don’t need much and I’ve been given everything I’ve needed how could I not be happy only a person trying to feed upon an endless ego would want more and I don’t need that then I would never be happy and so much shit has gone down I would never have believed you if you told me before but ay fuck it, Sabie Sabie, take it as it comes and don’t be so attached only In fucken Thailand would ya get so much crazy shit going and if only you would never fully understand what kind of shit goes down and for why but so many people talk shit I don’t know why its not the same as home where you do what you can for your friend and not what you can get out of your friend, sometimes I still cant believe what’s gone down life is so good most of the time apart from the few times here and there where I’ve been drunk and lost the plot ending up with nothing from nothing but these ARE GOOD TIMES WHERE EVERYTHING IS NOW COMING BACK, AND I HAVE TO DO VERY LITTLE, BUT SOON I WILL NEED TO MAKE AND GIVE, back again but for now i’m just a real bum, though its such a weird lifestyle, at the moment these are definably the good times, and let them roll on, hopefully this will last for a while, after doing my first tattoo, going to hospital, so many ladies, I cant remember so much alcohol, I cant remember so much weed, is hasn’t all been fun, but its all ended \well, which I guess is good, it will be good to do my own work thou, but I will have to wait a while.

SLOW DOWN

another drunken night gone but it doesn’t seem so fast anymore but just as crazy and even had a spew at the bar which was a little weird seeing as I wasn’t that drunk but I don’t know what happened and i’m also beginning to know to many people on Bangla, even just walking around isn’t easy anymore and there all nearly girls I need very little and want even less and a lot more suffering it seems as the fun gets more so does the pain so what do you do and I cant help but think where will my life lead me i’m learning a lot a real lot but there are too many ladies here.

CRAZY

, my life has also become rather crazy as I see now it was always going to be if I stayed here but what can I do its a lot more manic/depressive than I’m used to and expected but what can I do I never imagined it would be like this I was hoping for simplicity especially after Chiang Mai, which was so peaceful and pleasant and wasn’t easy but not hard, this is almost to extreme from bliss to heart break, it certainly takes it out of ya if you become to attached which I think I have but I know it wont last all I can rely on is the truth of what is and not what I tell myself it to be, I need to become more free and reliant upon myself and what I can do even if it isn’t much its all I have to rely upon is what I can do and feel is right I don’t care about anything at the moment but my friends and there position why is it I reflect this is so much as though i’m a mirror in which I cant be my own self and i’m always up for heedlessness maybe to escape the pain inside I wish it to go away and yet I created it how smart can I be when I create my own suffering day in day out I feel it maybe that why i’m so quick to tears because it touch’s upon my own pain, I need to know myself better, I know I want nothing but to be free of this suffering I feel each second i’m feeling very tired and worn out i’m looking forward to a holiday
16:16 its certainly been interesting but not always fun but definitely learn a lot with a lot of good people around to help but very tiring what a weird world I’ve entered its amazing how I see nothing is normal and nothing is backwards or forwards just because one person does it one way doesn’t make it right and the other way is wrong its just different after going to hospital and having stitches for the first time and having them taken out by a friend I almost feel like a mute Thai person who can barely speak.

SUNDOWN GULP

sitting in the shop on my birthday drinking at 3 after another scare just relaxing and trying to be in the moment writing about the past and wondering what’s going to happen next nothing really to gain or loose but just live and do and carry on I am in such a conflict most of the time with myself and end up taking it out on someone else but I keep asking myself what about that there’s only a problem if there’s a solution I just don’t know what to do so I will do nothing and just wait soon this will pass and my only happiness which I can rely on is my own, and just be happy i’m alive and to suffer a little more with what ever I can I wish for nothing and need very little and my own judgement of the situation is what is bringing me down, so what can I do, I wish for simplicity and all I get is complexity, nothing has turned out how I thought it would, and everything just keeps going up and down, like a roller coaster in my head and heart, I just don’t know what to do anymore, it has not been easy, sometimes I just want to walk away, sometimes run, but then you get nowhere.

UP DOWN LEVEL

what a crazy week, its been so many ups and downs arguments and misunderstandings and we still come back together and who knows what will happen next everything gets more and more crazy having stayed in this country for so long it all feels so normal now its no longer the same surprised around the corner of these streets but of my life its no longer a surprise the area and I still love this place no matter how much I loose but really what have I lost and there’s so much freedom and you can have what ever you want and I seem to be meeting more and more people that are so closely connected if I stay here I could know everyone soon, its just a matter of time really but I still have so much to learn the more I know the more I want to learn hopefully I can stay here for a long time I don’t wanna go home yet, its been the biggest learning experience of my life.

CRAVING SIMPLICITY

what a crazy world I live in seeing how people actually live from day to day and hearing there troubles and how they cope then watching myself and how I cope is really awakening with such highs and lows friends and family and even a few enemies along the way I really respect how Micro deals with different situations and its also interesting to see how my life has/ is turning out and the things I’ve seen and done and experienced is really amazing sometimes you just want to cry or laugh and just give up but what really, what difference does it make when you realise nothing really matters and that there is no right or wrong, good or bad there is just life and that which comes with it and you cant get to happy/ sad because really its all the same shit anyway so why stress or even bother just be accept let in relax and watch the breath live now and basically I’ve become a pimp and am living the good life of not having to work, I can see now why they do it its so easy and you get money for nothing and everything paid for and you live the good life but its only ever for a little while and can quickly and easily turn bad as well.

HOME HOME HOME

Patong, warm>>>>hot, its good to be home a little nervous as usual and a lot poorer than planned buts its still good and I’ve even made a place a little better thou it was only money that I gave and maybe even just a little hope as well but it does feel good to have done some good and I don’t really need the money anyway, just as long as I can get home that’s all then work for six or 7 months get cashed up and come back and if I have enough maybe even buy a house I love Thailand too much to not at least live here for a while and it feels good to know that I’ve helped the people here and made it a little better i’m very tired thou and i’m so over travelling at the moment plus I’ve got no money left and am relying upon the fact that ill get a job and get some cash then I can stay for as long as possible even thou its good to be home a lot has changed since the last time I was here but its still home it hasn’t changed that much, death is only feared and seen as negative because of our attachment and belief that it will bring us lasting happiness.

TOMORROW IS EMPTY

i’m not so interested in what i’m going to be but just being, why get so caught up in tomorrow when you’ll haven’t even finished today I do have a wish to have children but i’m in no hurry at all, but I have noticed that my awareness is so much better since Ajahn Suphan i’m even surprised just knowing and being the watcher in the back seat as Bhante said, I have no feeling of wanting to return home just yet its also really fun learning another language and comparing I ti the only one I know I wouldn’t mind returning to a job thou now for a while any way i’m kinda over backpacking it is fun but I need a break for a while so I can pick up my learning a bit better and hopefully maybe even teach a little it has been nice to help others thou, and I really shouldn’t really worry because everything has gone better than I could have planned, so i’m not really worried and if worse comes to worse I’ll just go home and work for a while.

LIFES FAMILY

it’s a very nice system, almost communism, in a democratic government but no one really seems to be doing much and as I’ve been drinking most of the time but they seem rather happy the whole time and its just nice to see that I can help even if its just money but its really weird to be in such a place with such poverty buts its also funny to know they still crave after the basics and they wanna go up and i’m happy going down it would be good to be able to speak thou, and I wouldn’t mind living here but not working hard and there such nice people and definitely love to party dance drink but I do love it here. I also see how vipassana is just acceptance of everything all at once and as soon as it arises you accept, as you accept you let it go and then you can become attached to it because it comes and goes you don’t identify because you see the impermanence, and our greatest teacher is suffering

HELL OF A RIDE

its actually a very nice place here thou i’m surprised that there aren’t so many falang as I thought there would be and its been more of a spectacle especially when i’m walking around with a baby, but I still don’t wanna go home, but it will be good to work for a few months alone then get cashed up again which would be sweet unless I can get a sweet job in Patong but the people have been really nice, and keep trying to drink with my most cope but there’s always one that just doesn’t make it and its better to keep quiet that to speak to much but its been a hell of a ride but what the hell of an adventure.

LIFE IS GOOD WHEN YOU DONT HAVE TO WORK

Buriram, warm, what a crazy M/F day/night meeting the family staying in an expensive hotel and drinking with the family and then having them playing cards in our room, off the F hook, its going a little fats a little out of hand, but it had to be done soon, guess just hope all parties are happy, it was a little stressing at first, but always fun and never felt to much dissin, but there good at hiding and I cant speak the language any way so who knows but I can tell the road ahead will have a few challenges along the way which will be interesting but it was a hell of a lot more than I expected they are funny people thou I think they place a lot of pressure thou and expectation which is a bit unfair but not out of the blue, there’s no such thing as good or bad in art but only peoples judgements.

MY REFUGE

its very nice to know you have a refuge in this world anywhere you want, and that’s it in yourself this very nice to know that I alone have the power to deal with what ever shit goes down, good, or bad and that really I what is there to worry about it all ends some day there is no good or bad so what ever happens just happens but love will free us.

EVERYTHING IS EMPTY

desire is form, and form is empty, people don’t see they are drawn into the emptiness and endlessness of form which has no lasting attributes people play so many games but I know I desire has no winner but itself, there are no winners only losers all I wish for is for all beings to be happy and free from desire from craving, only now do I truly see what desire and craving is, it is only form which is empty, desire is what creates form, I am done with no one but myself to help me, me alone no matter how many teachings I read or hear its up to me in the, I still see I am stick in this samsara all I see is suffering, I still miss my baby, why, all I see is suffering, all I want to do is free us from it, my ego is still stuck in this world of craving, the ego, what a waste of energy, I must speak from my heart, my path is neither easy or hard but necessary life will go on with or without me all I wish is to help those that need, and those I can I am no one but a servant of the great Buddha, I am but a simple vehicle for his teaching, I have a love for all beings, I can not guarantee I will always be there for Kim but she will always be looked after I know she has a beauty beyond words, I know she is the one I love and have loved before. When you let go of everything there is nothing left but the present moment because one has no attachment which is the end of suffering and the beginning of the present to just let go and realise that one doesn’t need anything because one is already had all one needs within oneself already a pure energy which survives upon its own without any need for any outside input, all beings have the same inner beauty its only the mind and its ego which disguise it and cause so much suffering.

YOUR EGO IS TO BLAME

, it’s a shame there are so many schiesters in Bangers especially Khao San rd, it does ruin the image but I guess its part of the experience and I feel i’m getting close and am on the right track, this is all I know for sure, all I want to do is to be left alone in silence this is when I am happy, Andreaz said that the monks were running away and the more spiritual people were living in the world this is also possible for those who have gone beyond would seem so ordinary and not be noticed by the ego because the ego will be unable to get anything from them so why would it bother i’m not to sure exactly what i’m close to but it also doesn’t mean I’ll get there soon, or this lifetime, but I know i’m closer than I’ve ever been before, if I knew what the next stage was it would help or if I has a teacher or someone to talk to, this would be of great benefit, but I also know that a teacher can not exist without a student, and v/v so they go together, when you begin to watch the mind, you realise how fearful and fragile it is, and how long a process it will take for one to become in control of it, its amazing the culture that has been built up from mindlessness, particularly where I am where there are girls and bars everywhere and inturn, people getting totally heedless and spending a lot of time and money in the process is this just running away from there inner self, if they spent as much time of the inside we would be a lot more free maybe many of them are and that’s why there hear to relax.

CHANGE IS OUR ONLY HOPE

Bangkok- Sanam Luang, warm if you continue to live in the past, the future will not change, why keep using old solutions for new situations, its no longer just a park I can see the life this park brings from scammers to homeless to people bringing food and supplies its no longer just an area of grass dirt trees, and concrete, once you just stay quiet and watch, you see so so much more, you can see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why does it always take catastrophe for people to bond together, and for people to suffer so much, to see the beauty in each moment, have you ever wondered why some periods in your life seem to go so fast and some slow, its because when you focus upon tomorrow you no longer are in the present moment which is timeless because you no longer think about past or future this is why when we get older each year seems to go faster because as children we don’t think about tomorrow but now and as we get older we worry we become fearful and we fill out lives with more shit that only increases our suffering , FUCKING STOP>>>>>>>>>>>> look inside watch for a moment what you are doing, truly listen to your heart because your mind is always trying to hide its true nature which is to love and to love what else matters, nothing else lasts but this pure energy so why bother with anything else

WERE STILL THE SAME

Bangkok, Khao San Rd, hot, as I sit alone four stories high above the hustle and bustle of Khao San road, I realise I don’t need it any more, i’m not I hope reliant on it for fun and returning a little earlier than expected but with no money and no one to call I have little choice but to leave and the people don’t mind a good stare, fair enough a couple of looks but not just the whole time, and the kids seem so scared until you smile, wave or say hello, but i’m looking forward to meeting friends again, who I can relax with, i’m so close and to see my baby again will be really good.

MONEY FOR ONE NIGHT ONE MEAL ONE TICKECT HOME

V/V, Aircon, having finally left L/B and in a decent hotel its good to be alone again, but it was very good, with Alan, Ivan, and Maximus, and leaving the waterfalls, the night market, and the temple, on the hill, its quite amazing how diff it is here and the women seem larger the bus today wasn’t to bad and I found a place easy but more than the other but much better maybe only 4 days here too, especially if I have no money seeing as money card is busted, but I notice how rats are a lot cleaner than us, and the only reason they survive, is because of our filth with no regard for our surroundings or other beings and we have the arrogance to assume where so high and mighty, so hopefully I can get some cash.

BEAUTIFUL WATERFALLS< NO BEER,mmmmmmmmmmmmm

, Kwang XI waterfall, Luang Prabang, warm, i’m looking forward to coming home, its really nice here but very inconvenient, to get around, especially when ya used to the convenience of Thailand, but i’m looking forward to coming back to where everyone knows your name, the water is quite beautiful, the place is still quite dry, and the women seem a lot more chunky, and they seem so afraid, with such concerned faces, then you just wave or smile, or speak, to them then they light up like a Christmas tree but there are some absolutely beautiful women, here unbelievable, but no pro’s so far anyway, maybe in the city but don’t care anymore, i’m content will I have and don’t have

HELLO WHERE ARE YOU

Luang Prabang, warm but nice, its quite a nice place but its to small and there’s to many tourists and all I notice there are so many in the bars here where are the Laos’s, I can see how this place mess’s with you or can because its so cheap, and there’s so much its easy to loose but I will leave in 2 days and stay v/v for a week then get back to my baby and my mission can begin, and Mr leng, went for a bike ride which was good, and to the top of a hill to a temple which was beautiful but too many tourists all waiting for the sunset and the children.

LAOS

Mekong River (Muang Pakbeng), cold, very beautiful here, Laos but you can certainly see the difference between, here and there, the people are nice, nice but you know there just here to make money from us and then do quite well, the real purpose of life is different for everyone, so the answer will never be the same, apart from happiness and suffering, but I feel I have a purpose, but it will also change, as nothing is permanent.

BORDERLINE

Chiang Khong, Mekong river, Thai/ Laos border, warm, sitting on the border drinking the cheapest beer, having a great time on my own, but I still miss my baby, its quite beautiful, though, but it just looks the same, but its nothing like the rest of Thai with an unusual mix, ----new/old/nature----------------- especially when trekking in Chiang Mai, where they are so poor but they have solar energy, and they live for the day,
--because you can always have a destination but you will never get there without focusing upon your next move, its so easy to feel naive, but each day we wake up were naive so why are we so surprised, I do enjoy it a lot here thou, maybe i’m just running away, but from what I don’t know, cause i’m so content to live here now, its weird, its like I’ve been here before, and the people seem to act a lot nicer, to me and to those I befriend, or who befriend me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do feel I do need to get back to the monastery thou I think I more aware each time of the suffering but I now have a purpose a destination, and object something else I’ve found worthwhile, which I know I can do the other good, but i’m not prepared to give it all up yet even thou there is some friction between it I can also tell now when there makin fun of the falang, either me or someone else, but I wish to learn to read, which would be very good, but the trek was good, with Sarj, Olivia, Richard, Rose, Joe, Erika, Narelle and Sylvia,

EACH MOMENTS DIRTINESS

Chiang Mai, warm, it’s nice to be back in civilisation with people but you see more and more the dirtiness of the world and how strong the defilements are in each day.

UNDER THE STARS

Chiang Mai, nice, exceptionally beautiful, place waterfall in the middle of the jungle off my head with so many stars to see and from my heart the most beautiful woman I have met she gives me meaning and life no matter what happens she gives me a love without want, and only need, I am in a place of such beauty all I wish to do is hold my friend girlfriend I feel we have a source which can overcome anything because it is not based upon wanting or needing but giving but lying in cabin so far from my love, its so hard but I will manage and give her all I have and all I need for her and her family, I feel nothing is necessary but her health and wealth and will so what I can , I miss her so much but I know this will not last because of what I have learnt and experienced I will be back soon in this hut I feel kind of lonely even thou every one is so nice, I miss my darling I see what it is I need and want are this, same now for so long, follow the same as that at the moment where I am now I care not for home but for now and life to be and live in the present moment to live for now and to be free.

KNOWING KNOWING KNOWING

Chiang Mai somewhere, cool – warm, Knowing knowing knowing, writing writing writing, what an amazing experience to have at the Wat for 28 days, a life long experience and a realization of the three characteristics----------
- Impermanence.
- Suffering
- Non self

To truly see the meaning and just knowing without having to think about it I think I will be back and ajahn Suphan is very good and even monks likes me, but I now have done everything I came here for wearing 3 Buddha’s and beads and meeting, Alex, Andrew, and Sonia and Sylvia was also very good people who are on the same path i’m happy to go back the Wat and Patpong but soon I must go to Laos and this is tour is very good with Chang(elephants) riding and trekking through the forest for a few days is very good I don’t think staying in the city would have been good after the 28 days in the Wat and the determination, I do not want to leave here I will enjoy living and working for a while here even the local people here like me but a lot of
Suffering, Happiness, Study and Practice.
I feel a lot better now that I have a purpose while I sit on top of a mountain in Chiang Mai, with forest all around, I again realise, silence again is bliss, and the truth is what lasts forever, and simplicity and the middle way, is what the key to life is for me, and its always better to follow your heart to really sit down in silence and listen to it don’t follow your mind it never knows what it wants and to be calm and relaxed is the best approach because fear is our worst enemy and everything seems so far away when one is still because being is in the moment, because there is suffering , its what one does and how they act that counts, 2 be is to do, to do is 2 be, suffering is also impermanent where there is suffering there is happiness.
(Love is all we have to save the world)
(I don’t want an occupation to rule my life)
(To miss the one you love is the most suffering)
(It’s also the only emotion which can cause such ill will and good)
(Life only exist in the present moment so why are you thinking about tomorrow)
(I’m but an ant lucky enough to walk with giants)

HOPE

, Bangkok (again) Khao San Rd, warm, never did I think people would like me so much so quick and so sorry to hurt anybody this place is amazing and still don’t wanna leave and such a bad time over 125, 000 now dead and 6000 in Thailand so much lost but what do I have with no plans and no place to stay, with NYE wild in Patpong with a ping pong show and way to many buckets of Samsong and red bull, and then meeting john john again who is so rich doesn’t need to work and his wife, and Micro doing a tattoo in hotel room and piercing my eyebrow last night and meeting another girl on NYE way too tiny JEP JEP JEP and soon off to Chiang Mai then back to Patong and work hopefully but we’ll see how we go.

GOOD TO BE GONE

Kho Samui, hot, very nice week good to leave Bangers some very nice bars and resorts with many many more ladies especially one last night and the night before Milly spews in the bed and a massive Tsunami wipes out half of S.E. Asia, with friends lost in Patong very sad week, thousands missing and 25, 000 dead already, many falang gone especially in India and surrounding countries, luckily I just got out but many people didn’t with many stuck now also and homeless my time here has been very good, with another tour tomorrow then back to Bangers for another week and then Chang Mai and Laos next then back to Patong very nice people but same shit here but cleaner and nicer.

JUST ANOTHER CITY

what a wonderful place i’m literally sick and tired from this city and I cant wait to get out and get back to the beach and away from here, my health keeps fluctuating but I think its getting better now at least I can walk and eat a bit maybe another night of sleep will do but Ayu was really nice and so was the boat trip and i’m glad its my last night in this hotel, the worst one so far with no view.

OH YEAH

, what a day well not today, thou I did go to the grand palace, but yesterday on tour quite an amazing day and met john from Nigeria and made it to Patpong, good all round but I long for a bar where I can just have a drink in peace and relax, but saw a few things snake show, crocodile show, traditional Thai dancing/fighting/wedding, and the floating market and walking down Silom Rd with all the markets and bars, it’s a dirty city thou and my lungs are paying the price also my throat , but back on the Tom Yum for the first time in a couple of weeks thou I need some rice and another tour tomorrow which will be good to see some more temples.

LEFT INSTEAD OF RIGHT

nice day today got lost for a bit taking a left instead of a right, but got to go to Wat Pho, and see an amazingly massive, and beautiful Buddha statue and went driving around town, which was nice, and went to MBK, a huge shopping centre and then just ended up walking around and found Patpong, which was interesting and will be going down there tomorrow to check it out depending on how I feel after the tour tomorrow.

RICH/POOR

, Bangkok-Woodlands Inn- Charoen Kaung Rd, Bangrak, warm, finally made it to Bangers after a shocker of a bus ride, well not so bad, with 2 valiums, and about 7 hours sleep, still hurting from Wat Tham Saeu, and just been walking around Bangkok seeing a few sites a lot different than other place but the traffic and the air is shocking, the fumes are quite bad as a blanket of gas hovers over through and around the streets the area i’m in is a bit quieter which is good, its weird walking the streets of a nothing country where most people don’t speak the same language and even a fewer who make fun and find you abnormal and seeing the poor people around, and the amount of children around how will the fair is such a country.

BEAUTIFUL PAIN

1237 steps what a bloody killer, absolutely amazing though Wat Tham Saeu, this place does have its beauty, but you have to go and find it, and finally got my necklace piece, just need the necklace, absolutely buggered thou, physically drained, and losing weight after gaining about 6 kg, in Patong, now my journey can begin, as planned but it was all definitely worth it now with a 2 week break before millsy hopefully I’ll be back to normal by then, time certainly slows when one is silent alone and not drunk.

WHAT AM I DOING

now that i’m on my own for the longest part I truly enjoy it, its also a lot cheaper quieter and relaxing having spent most of my time sleeping walking and watching football and some reading its so much quieter here than I thought with most places closed by almost 9/10 and bars closing 12/2 it’s a lot more relaxing and a lot less hectic, WHAT AM I DOING, WHERE AM I GOING

SO GOOD, BUT SO BAD

Krabi- Chao Fah Guest, hot and then wet, and then cold, not as good as Jintana but it will do for four nights and amazing 2 weeks mainly sick though with the worst urinary infection, soooooooooooooooooooooo painful but good to get away from Patong and some where new and a little more quiet and away from the beach, who would have thought I would get so attached to people after one month, I don’t even know how I feel about them, one in particular but I know I will miss them always and that it has certainly been a month of firsts, with a lot of memories and a hell of a lot more friends, than I thought I would ever make, maybe I’ll be back who knows where my path will lead but I hope hope its not like this everywhere I stay because it will get harder and harder to leave each time maybe its good practice but who the hell knows, never did I imagine that people would like me so much, its weird people like me but don’t know why.
2:00 am, its weird how you can miss people after so little I never thought it would happen that I would meet such a good group of people so quickly and fall so fast but did climb twice as fast and high, not to mention a ball breaker of trip on the back of a motorbike with my pack on hanging on for dear life what a rush.

WHAT HAPPENED

I cant believe time has gone by so quick meeting so many people everywhere, and there’s no time for sitting on your arse, and the contrast between rich and poor are like never I have seen, and the pro’s make the most money with others on 3 dollars a day, went to Phi Phi island last night for half moon party which was off the hook, a party right on the beach with fire dancing and buckets of bourbon for 6 dollars, people nice but way too many tourists, everyday has been a big learning curve, with many people at franks bar, Stens Queen Mary, bangle, Phi Phi was absolutely beautiful and what I thought Phuket would be, but its so dirty.

UNBELIEVABLE

, hot and wet, an absolutely unbelievable time here. The contrast between beauty/ugly, good/bad, is really really Jekyll and Hyde, everything here is for sale, and the amount of people I have met and know, has blown out all initial plans and abilities I thought I would have, which all started Thursday night, have dinner a few drinks and end up on the beach, meet 10-15 people, then from there meet another 10 -15 people each night a new bar, with more falang, to get mao, meet mainly good people, Jason, looked after me, met nick(aussie)bar-Katoy’s R US, then Sten (I think with great place) opening party and will be mao, and went to bangle unbelievable go to Soi Lion, where all the pro’s work, 300 baht just to release than pay 1000 baht.

FINALLY HOME

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Baan Jintana,, Patong beach, Phuket, hot wet, and wet, unbelievable, its so weird flying, you walk down this small hall sit down in a small chair surrounded by hundreds of people, watch a movie, sleep a little, then try to sleep a little more, then you wake up again and BANG your in another world amazing everything has gone better than I could have planned, a lot better, no checks straight to the hotel, dodgy shower lovely room, TG bloody everywhere, there all cute.

MANIC DEPRESSIVE

at home in Melbourne, cold wet windy mid teens, overcast, quite a bit nervous at times, and sometimes rather excited, but then sometimes it doesn’t quite seem real, as though nothing is going to happen.

I am of the nature to age, I have not gone beyond ageing,
I am of the nature to sicken, I have not gone beyond sickness,
I am of the nature to die, I have not gone beyond dying,
All that is mine beloved and pleasing will change and become otherwise, will become separate from me.
I am the owner of my karma, heir to my karma, born of my karma, related to my karma, abide separated by my karma, whatever karma I shall do, for good or ill, of that I will be the heir.
Buddha.

DAY BY DAY I GROW

its hard to say how much I have “improved”, over the last year, until I am in that situation again, maybe its my fear of loneliness that has pushed further into religion, I don’t crave that kind of attention anymore, but would rather seek out the wise, and compassionate teachers which I know are out there, hopefully along my travels I will be able to meet and learn from such wisdom, to let go when it really counts, its so easy to say I will do this, and be like that, but until the actual experience dawns upon us, we really don’t know what to expect, which can make it hard to prepare for but a hell of a lot more rewarding, but only if your open enough, and not to stubborn, it is amazing how religion can release all of your fears, is it because it is the truth, is it just because it feeds us a false hope, well will any kind of hope do, is a form of brainwashing, done by the individual, is it love, is it fear, that we believe and will we follow what ever feeds that, what is it that drives one to even seek such answers, is it fear and love, or is it just to find answers which are beyond our comprehension, how simple we are, how easy it is to solve everyone else’s problem, without the grey ;life would be so simple but why do we let emotion and attachment, and the ego, to interrupt our decisions, therefore our lives, I just wish to love all beings the way they wish to be loved, to make them happy with whatever they need to be happy, and to be free, of suffering, no matter, how much or little, big or small, short or tall, we still suffer, you cant rid the world of suffering for people but only show them how they can do it for themselves, freedom and suffering are funny words, as they can mean such much to some, for some people freedom is a physical ability, that they can go and do whatever they want when they want, but this is not freedom, freedom comes from within, some people who work or day, and all week, don’t feel free either, and suffering for some one could be as small as losing money or having something stolen, this is their suffering and is of no less significance as another because it causes the same amount of stress, but what are you really losing, your gaining your own freedom back, the more you own the more stress you accumulate, and the more they begin to own you, but for those who loose there whole family wouldn’t even care if they lost everything they owned, and this could be at any age

ALL CONDITIONED PHENOMENA ARE IMPERMANENT

“sabbe sankhara anicca”, (all conditioned phenomena are impermanent), “sabbe dhamma anatta”, (all things are not self) not long now only about 3 weeks, which will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good, i’m getting chills, to be living in another culture will be just and amazing experience, where each I can get up and not have to worry bout anything, and just do what
I feel, thou I will make sure it does become to hedonistic, and that all actions are in line with the five refuges, and don’t cause any suffering, hopefully, this is probably going to underlay everything I do from now on, and will greatly influence any desires, or success in which I will judge my life, and my direction, to increase as the happiness in this universe, and to try and attempt to help alleviate the suffering which occur each moment, through, selfishness, fear, and ignorance, but to do this as successfully as possible I will need to rid them from my own mind first, before I can begin to even start thinking that I will be able to help those around me, where ever I am, if all beings were on this path, there would be such insignificant suffering we would all be in heaven, and what is pain anyway, its just am electrical signal travelling along tracks in the body to the brain, is it caused by just unconformability, or does the mind just create as an escape for itself, when one needs an excuse to not do something it wish’s to not do, if I could be the pain in my body what else would be able to stop me, is it just a mental battle, or is there more to it, I do enjoy prolonging it even though I probably shouldn’t, to push my levels of resistance is always a challenge and a tussle I enjoy, especially seeing as I don’t always win, but I don’t think any of this is about winning or losing, but keeping the balance, the whole circle of life, there is no such thing as death but in our own mind, all that is created dies, but the truth which is not created, nor energy continue forever, because without them there is nothing and there cant be just nothing because it just wouldn’t be able to exist, but I must admit I am becoming a lot more comfortable with the whole idea of it in the end, not saying when it comes I will sail through with flying colours, but right now it’s a lot easier to mentions, and even contemplate, be because if nothing lasts forever than how can death also last for ever, ever thing is in a constant state of evolution, and reaction, its taken me a lot of evolving to realise the truth as it is, set forth in many religions, faiths, and even just ideologies from around the world, and that’s because it’s the truth, it doesn’t change because life and the energy within doesn’t change, but just transforms, in a constant state of flux, but at the moment the world is on a sliding scale which isn’t getting better at the moment and will be unfortunate get worse until it starts getting better, but one day it will all be over and everything with be on the other side of the scale, until it then begins again

Why dream of what can be done,
Wake up before the sun,
You know you will have fun,
Just remember rule one,
I pray that one day,
The world will see the way,
It pains my heart
People are afraid to start,
Stop trying to protect your little ego,
Its just more you will need to let go,
No one ever really dies,
I will hear you heedless cries,
Foolish to think you’re alone,
I’m a second away on the phone,
It wouldn’t be so hard if we let go together,
Drop to the ground like a feather.

I Know your weakness because there my own,
Not fooled by the sweetness you’ve shown,
All you need to do is open,

If a permits himself to be oppressed by something that ought to oppress him, his name will certainly be disgraced. If he leans upon which one cannot lean, his life will certainly be endangered. For him who is in disgrace and danger, the hour of death draws near’ pg 339

Love and hate combat each other, and good fortune and misfortune result there from. The far and the near injure each other, and remorse and humiliation result there from. The true and the false influence each other, and advantage and injury result there from. In all situations of the book of changes it is thus: when closely related things do not harmonize, misfortune is the result: this gives rise to injury, remorse, and humiliation. 355

The superior man sets his person at rest before he moves: he composes his mind before he speaks: he makes his relations firm before he asks for something. By attending to these three matters, the superior man gains complete security. But if a man is brusque in movements, others will not co-operate. If he is agitated in his words, they awaken no echo in others. If he asks for something without having first established relations, it will not be given to him. If no one is with him, those who would harm him draw near. In the book of changes it is said: he brings increase to no one. Indeed, someone even strikes him. He does not keep his heart constantly steady. Misfortune 343
In a struggle with an enemy of superior strength, retreat is no disgrace. Timely withdrawal prevents bad consequences. If out of false sense of honour, a man allowed himself to be tempted into an unequal conflict; he would be drawing down disaster upon himself. In such case a wise and conciliatory attitude benefits the whole community, which will then not be drawn into conflict. 30

How is it that people can be so different when bought up the same, and as family and friends, and all the living beings in this world is all we should be concerned with, why is there so much suffering, people are so quick to protect there own ego, it leaves very little room for others, I think over the last year or so empathy has been my biggest lesson, and often find protecting those I even dislike, and those who cant protect themselves, if I can do it then it obviously isn’t hard, or even take much effort or energy, just a little thought outside of the box, a bit lateral, if ya know what I mean, in it, and possessions are so meaningless, no matter how much they cost or there size, they don’t last and we spend so much time worrying about them that it hardly seems worth it, it hurts me so, and almost brings me to tears just the thought of peoples lack of thought, when its so easy, how many of the worlds problems arise from not thinking of others, this life and the energy we are, lasts so much longer than your bank, house, or car, I don’t care for TVs, electronics, or words of fear and delusion, its so clear through tear filled eyes that your only hurting yourself, participating in these actions of greed, anger, fear, lust, and dishonesty, by no means am I free of these defilements, but by being aware of them, and becoming more mindful, and in the present moment, I know I have greatly reduced these negative actions, and there negative consequences nearest my heart, and even just those beings lives in which I enter into each day,

You call me up and I'll say a few words
But I’ll try not to speak too long
Please to be kind and I'II try to explain
I’ll probably get it all wrong
What does it mean when you promise someone
That no matter how hard or whatever may come

It means that I won t give in,
won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Play it once, disappear

Once in a while I return to the fold
With people I call my own
Even if time is just a flicker of light
And we all have to die alone
What does it mean when you belong to someone
Do you already ? ? ? Do you carry it on

It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
All at once, and I'II show you how to get here

Come on now, come on now, can you feel it,
I can see it in ya
Come on now, come on now,
reveal it, turn around won t ya
The right time, the right place, right now, turn around

A chance is made, a chance is lost,
I carry myself to the edge of the earth

It means that I won t give in, won t give in, won t give in
Cause everyone I love is here
Say it once, just say it, and disappear

LOS LONELY BOYS LYRICS

Heaven

Vamanos!

Save me from this prison
Lord, help me get away
'Cause only you can save me now
From this misery

Well I've been lost in my own place
And I'm getting' weary
How far is heaven?
And I know that I need to change
My ways of living
How far is heaven?
Lord, can you tell me?

I've been locked up way too long
In this crazy world
How far is heaven?
I just keep on prayin', Lord
I just keep on livin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)

Tu que estas en alto cielo, hechame tu bendicion.
[translated from Spanish: you that's in a higher place, send me down a blessing]

'Cause I know there's a better place
In this place I'm livin'
How far is heaven?
So I just got to show some faith
And just keep on givin'
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord can you tell me)
How far is heaven?
(I just gotta know how far it is)
How far is heaven?
(Oh, Lord, can you tell me?)
How far is heaven?
I just gotta know how far
I just wanna know how far

I JUST CANT STAY

not long now, and I cant wait, ha ha ha, of course I can seeing as it also allows me to organise everything that I have to and make sure I have enough cash, which hopefully wont be a problem, but not having any responsibilities or jobs, or anything actually will be good, especially since I have been at school pretty much most of my life, and working most of the last five years, I don’t even know what its like to have nothing to do, which will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good I cant wait, the excitement is beginning to build up and blow like a volcano, but its all going to be okay, there is also a little sadness at leaving everything behind, but there is something inside that cant stay here forever, I know I will see everything again, and everybody, but to immerse myself into another culture so far from mine, not only in distance but in all that governs one life will be so very good, and though I have limited experience in it, only having left the country for two months, it was the most liberating experience, and the knowledge that arises from it can not be taught or learnt any other way, and if I need to work just part time than that will just have to be, but i’m so excited to be leaving in just less than two months, that I will be living in a new country learning and living their way will be so good, and to be able to practice will be so relieving, and meeting with new people will be the most amazing experience, maybe I will even do some volunteer work which will also be very good, but a little harder to organise, so that will be a little lower upon the list of priorities, but nether the less an idea, its also interesting to hear what people think about you, wether it be good or bad, its also been very good spending time with Bhante each week, to follow in his foot steps would also be amazing, and to come back here and teach would also be very good, at least this way all questions and doubt will be set upon in concrete for, and there will be no turning back, to rise above, and cross the line or to fall, and crash and burn, I also think that fears cant be beaten for a lay person, but that we just develop better methods for coping, which me thinks is just as important, but it all comes down to becoming a witness, and having the ability to see how and why certain things arise within oneself, and also within others, the more I practice the more I realise we are all the same, and that blaming and harming, others only weakens your own self, when you see, just see, when you hear, just hear, when you smell just smell, when you touch just touch, when you know just know, its amazing how simple it all is, and yet so many people don’t see it, it took me 24 years to realise its simplicity and beauty, and the “eternalness” of it, it is quite mind blowing, to experience without judgement, without labelling, without criticising, without fear, without anger, without religion, without politics, without money, without hatred, when one sees and understands, one can no longer feel hatred or a want to harm, because one knows, and one cant help but to feel love, and a love that has no judgment, or label, or direction, but a true want for all living beings to be happy, healthy and free from suffering, a purity that is true and clear, its so obvious that hate only breeds hate, fear breeds fear, and only love will save the day, “all you need is love” John Lennon.

MY PARALLEL

its interesting to see how most relationships are either convergent, or divergent, few remain parallel, which for obvious reasons would be almost impossible, as one tries to give more as the other tries to take more, the ego causes so much suffering to oneself, and those in which it is inflicted upon, I hope that the suffering I cause has significantly dropped over the last year, the laws of man seem so futile, so emotionless, and egotistical, one needs to look beyond to the laws of the universe, and contemplate upon the amount of suffering one causes, the main problem is that few even realise there own mistakes. Which is understandable, humans are so weak, and the ego is so strong and deceptive, that it takes so much energy mindfulness and concentration to change, that in a split second of no concentration, one can be so greedy and selfish, I can see how the mind what works, always living in fear, trying to protect itself, funnily enough from other egos, and the more I practice the more I realise we are all the same, same fears, wants and desires, needs, and what we think we need, I can see my ego at work and am still taken by it now and then, but as it lessens I realise how difficult it becomes to be honest, people cant handle the truth, because then the ego would loose its control, people are afraid to let go of it, and therefore only wish to hear what the ego wants to hear to reinforce the idea that it is doing a good job, I am very week, but have cut my weakness considerably, and realise that one is sometimes better off saying nothing than causing suffering, everyone already knows there weakness, and tend to choose to ignore them because the ego creates an air of fear around the subject that we wish to go away, but the only way to beat our fears is to walk right thru them, one should not fear, fear itself. Maybe i’m delusional, maybe i’m wrong, but I no longer worry myself with such human judgements but go by the universal laws, if u give, It will be given, if you take it will be taken, if you teach hate, hate will always be your master, if you teach love the universe will love, and the universe is made of energy, this is all that exists, one can change this energy easily, but one should only do without ego, and if the individual wish’s it, otherwise it becomes manipulation, which will never achieve the correct result no matter how we wish, you cant make people do, if they don’t want to, they will fight it always, its not in our nature to

15 September 2004 11:58 AM

its amazing how everybody seems to want to be, or look like someone else, and that they need so many things, other than clothes and food, there is little else one needs, a home is of course preferable, but there are of course many unfortunate people who lack any kind of home, or a house really, if people were content with what they had the world would be a lot happier, and its always the poorest countries which are happier according to scientists, maybe its because they don’t have a choice, or there just happy with the simple things in life, happiness has to arise from within, the further I go the more I know this is the right path for me, i’m not going to do things just because everybody else is doing them, that’s such a weak excuse, thou I know it arises from the ego, people just trying to fit in, and feel normal, when who’s normal, what’s normal anyway, its amazing how powerful the ego is, telling us we enjoys things that clearly harms us and those around us, by just brushing it off with some stupid excuse, and its funny how the two worst drugs in the world are legal, and the government makes so much money off, of it, more people die from smoking each than all the other elicit drugs put together, not to mention alcohol, which kills just as many, yet because its acceptable by society we seem to brush it off as alright, and its not like its hard to get any drug what so ever, you just have to walk down some streets and people come up to you, let alone being in a club, I don’t know if I follow the greens idea but at least there trying something different because what’s in place is definitely not working, I know more people that smoke dope than cigarettes, and even some states its legal, and may even have medicinal benefits, which would make more sense as it is natural, rather than some other chemicals manufactured in a lab somewhere, if the government was smart, they could regulate each drug and sell it cheap, which would wipe out most of the criminal underworld, as there would be less people committing crimes trying to feed there habit, and the gangs would have nothing left to deal in, and the government could make cash out of it as well, and that would take out the multibillion dollar industry within a year, because then people would know exactly what they where getting, and the government could keep it clean, and regulate the dosage, so people wouldn’t OD, or have allergic reactions to the other crap that people just chuck in, the problem is I guess its hard to know what would happen, cause you cant go back once its in place, but something needs to be, for people with addictive personalities will always find something to feel dependant on, because of there ego telling them that its alright if it kills me and my family because it makes me feel good, it just sounds so stupid, maybe its how where bought up, or its in the genes, because each culture has its problems, some its smoking, drinking, some its weed, some its opium, I guess what ever is available will do when you think you need something anything will do, drugs will always be around, and people will always take them legal or not, safe or harmful, maybe instead of focusing upon the criminal element of it, maybe focus upon more education, or maybe because it illegal and people like to be naughty and risky, adding an element of excitement to the experience, i’m not to sure why people feel they have to do it on a regular basis, I can understand trying new things, that is fair enough, how can you knock without trying it, but many people judge other one what they don’t understand or have never experienced, how can people tell others what to do when they don’t know what they feel, or understand, and just because their satisfied with doing what ever it is there doing, doesn’t mean that its even right, or even more, that everyone else should do it, why make people do what they don t enjoy just because your stuck doing it, and why do people judge so quickly what is good for, and that they rate a non wasteful life upon how much money they have, or how good a job they have, or how big there house is, these are such empty rewards, what about feeing your mind, emotional intelligence is far more beneficial than intellectual, its no good be really smart if you cant communicate or survive in a group of people, there was once a time when I thought that if I got this and achieved that then I would be happy, but I soon realised that as soon as you get it, your looking for the next thing to achieve, that next hurdle, or mountain to climb, why is it less respectable to be garbage man than a teaching, the world needs both just as much, probably need a garbage more and more as the amount of crap we produce each year, imagine if that was left out on the street for even a month and the amount of disease that would arise would wipe out all the sick, young and elderly, but people are more and more teaching there own children at home, to be intelligent should be a judge of an individual, but how compassionate, giving and helpful they are, like the dalai lama, mother Teresa, Fred hollows, these people who give the most ultimate gift in the universe, which is there own time and love to help other beings, not judging them for their likes or dislikes, religion or non, hetero or gay, old or young, rich or poor, if you take away everything we all owned, all you would see are naked beings, all the same, like we see other animals, we are far lower upon the civilisation stakes than so many other amazing animals, what animal fights over clothing, gold or buildings, but over food and land, and what animal kills another for fun, or any other emotion other than life, to live is all they know yet we take, take, take, take, for no reason other than greed, thinking to much about there own petty self, which can so easily turn to anger and fear, which coexist anger and fear are inseparable, one follows the other

7 September 2004 9:59 AM

does man have a destiny, fate, it’s a funny thing, wondering about everything, very mind boggling, but I think there has to be, for there is reason for all that’s lives, and all that feels, from the smallest being to the largest, strongest to the weakest, we should look after all beings, and protect all that se can, and not be so selfish, and think about ourselves, for the small pleasures of eating a piece of meat, because its not a necessity in this society, so other than gluttony and selfishness, or just plain contempt for the compassion of all beings, I see no other reason, why does a being have to die for a such a small reward, and the amount of disease which can arrive from such acts, it’s a lot healthy to just each fruits, vegies and nuts which have more than enough goodness, weak weak weak weak, the more I practice the more I know i’m on the right path, the result is of no concern, why think of buying, if u have no money to spend, why eat when your not hungry, it’s a lot of fun to learn another language, and about another culture so different to your own, doesn’t it make more sense to go through life without harming any beings, or through your action to cause as little suffering as possible, and to increase the love and compassion toward all beings, north south east and west, seen and not seen, I think I’ve finally found my passion, even though I may be a poor practitioner I now know of goals, and a feeling of accomplishment, that not only benefits myself but all beings around the universe, if I can now only get through the rest and not harm anyone either, directly or indirectly I will be very pleased, guilt free and not so afraid, no longer concerned about gaining empty possessions, or upgrading the ones I have, or becoming a slave to money, and what society says will make me happy, with its emptiness that blinds and only just feeds our immediate needs, and yet leaves us empty inside with nothing really all that nourishing or lasting, if we satisfied and happy with what we had, y do we need more and more, life has never been so physically easy in our existence, and yet the biggest illness arising now is depression, hello everybody doesn’t this tell you something, intellectually and emotionally times have never been tougher, as over population of 95% of all the 2/3’s of this planets land, rapes the earth till we ourselves are unable to breath, but seeing as very little leaves this planet, when we pass it will restore itself to its previous glory and wonder, I will be glad to leave it for some time, from this backward society that adores actors and sportsmen which only delude us further millions of dollars to lies and deceive, and to distract us from what is really rising and falling, and yet doctors who save lives daily get very little in comparison, doubt any of these people get even a millions dollars for just six months of work, when other entertainers get millions and millions of dollars a year, including tens, and hundreds of millions of dollars, it just doesn’t make sense, we reward those who deceive and distract compared to those who save lives, and try to increase peoples quality of life, and yet when these entertainers make a mistake everyone in the media is so quick to judge, there only another human being, no more special than a homeless person on the street, each individual has a gift and must utilise it to fulfil there destiny, but something has to go wrong soon, I’ve had such a good run lately I cant believe it even thou I was told it would be, I never thought about it becoming true, very interesting, this magic I have found, very interesting

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